The Penal Code (or Is God Trying to Tell Me Something?)

I was born with a double hernia. I must have done some real heavy lifting in utero. At some point in month 5 or 6, I figure that I must have gone too far in trying to shift the placenta from one side of me to the other. Maybe I didn't bend my knees properly. Who knows. One thing is for sure and that is that my scrotum was vacant upon my birth.

At the age of 5, my parents decided it was time to fix the problem and I went for a consult and then surgery was scheduled. There would be two testicles removed from my lower abdomen and then inserted, wired and fastened within my scrotum. Two incisions in my abdomen and two in my scrotum. How many times can I use the word scrotum in one paragraph?

So, my parents decided on a surgeon they felt comfortable with. At age 5, I probably did not care at all who was doing it. I just wanted testicles. I wonder how concerned my parents were when they noticed the Doctor's name. Klutz.

That's right - Dr. Klutz was going to slice open my scrotum and connect my babymakers and insure that my parents would someday become grandparents. The surgery went well. I remember watching my meltoff stitches disappear in the bathtub. I remember that it took YEARS for the scars to disappear from my groin area. Yes, everything healed nicely. Yes, my parents were happy with the results. Yes, I was able to father children later on. BUT the fact that Dr. KLUTZ performed my double hernia surgery has always lingered in my mind. Every time I have a pain in my nether region, I panic. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I read a story about someone with testicle issues. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I look at my son's jewels and make sure everything is in place. DR. KLUTZ. It just won't go away......which is a fact that should not surprise me.......

My mom likes to tell the story of my circumcision. Rather then choose a professional Doctor who does circumcisions for a living, they decided to "hire" the butcher from the kosher deli down the street. The guy pulled up in a Harley and was weilding a machete in a sheath that went all the way down his leg. I think it was actually "Bill" from the Kill Bill movies. So, naturally the so-called Mohel says a few prayers and proceeds to slice my 1-week old johnson into pieces. Mom said the bleeding would not stop. She was afraid I was going to DIE. Imagine the guilt my poor mother must have felt. She hired a mohel who MURDERED her firstborn by severing blood vessels in his unprotected PENIS. 20/20 would have loved that story.

OK OK OK...so I embellished a little. Maybe it wasn't the butcher from down the street....and maybe there was no machete....but it felt like it! It IS true that my mother was scared for my life. The bleeding would not stop and my little weewee got infected. True story!! SO maybe it made complete sense that, when it came time to fix my hernia, the Doctor that was chosen was named Klutz.

Fast forward 32 years or so. Now, finally confident that my boys have done their job, I've decided to submit them to the ultimate sacrifice......DEATH. On January 27th, I will be in a urologist's office for a consultation. During that meeting, a date will be set for the ceremonial severing of my beloved vasa deferentia. In English - I am getting my nuts snipped.

It was hard to accept that this was going to happen at first. I was extremely happy and grateful for Dr. Klutz when my testes didn't run back the other way when the word vasectomy was first uttered. He must have done a good job closing the road to ball traffic because if there ever was a time for them guys to turn around and go back.....it was at that moment. However, now it has become very clear that if I want to have any evidence of an enjoyable sex life WITHOUT the possibility of more Borensteins, that I need to go through the simple process of getting my scrotum sliced open, vas deferens yanked out and CLIPPED, and then having them cauterized with a welding gun. Well, you don't have to believe MY description. Here is the exact description directly from the urologist's website:

The patient is given a local anesthetic to the scrotal area.
The surgeon will make 1 to 2 small incisions on either side of the scrotum and
pull the vasa deferentia through these incisions. The vasa deferentia are
severed and either tied or cauterized then secured with a suture or surgical
clamp.

They just make it sound so wonderful, don't they? I especially like the part about sutures and surgical clamps. Yeah - THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

But, I mean, it's not like I have not BEEN THERE before! I was BORN with that double hernia people!! Dr. Hannibal Lechter nearly turned me into John Wayne Bobbitt as a one-week old and then Dr. Klutz juggled my testicles OUTSIDE OF MY BODY before using twisties to put them back in place. To this day I have no idea if he accidentally DROPPED ONE. I mean, if he did drop one on the operating room floor, what would the nurses say? "You are such a Klutz, Doctor."??????????????

So what's the point? Well, it seems almost comical or ironic OR both.....however, again, not at all surprising when I discovered the name of the Doctor who will be sterilizing me for good next month. His name is Dr. Mark L. Fallick. Go figure.....a urologist named Fallick. Is that WRONG?

My first question to Dr. Fallick will be, "Why did you get into urology? Was it because your friends RODE you throughout your entire childhood and this is your way of getting back at them?" HA HA!!! Look at me!!! I am a urologist and my name is FALLICK!!!! Showed you all!

I wonder if Dr. Fallick knows Dr. Lechter or Dr. Klutz? Maybe they all attend the SAME SUPPORT GROUP. Either way, I hope this story ends with the simple sutures and clamps that all good stories end with. I just hope that Dr. Fallick does not look at my junk and say, "Hmmm..that looks like the work of Dr. Klutz." I can guarantee that if that happens, my boys will be running the other way faster than the Roadrunner trying to lose Wile E. Coyote.

Come to think of it.....haven't my boys been through ENOUGH procedures already? Soon they will be compared to Michael Jackson's face....and you know what they say about his nose, right?

I AM GOING TO HAVE A LEE PRESS-ON PENIS!!!!!!!

I need some frozen peas.....