24 Hours We Will Never Forget

It's just after 10pm on Tuesday night and my internal clock is still not right. Everyone is sleeping and I am here typing on the laptop in our hotel room. I am not even tired, despite the fact that I slept just 4 hours last night and little the night before.

The trip out here was (still is) certainly memorable. I will try to recap to this point....

We woke up at 5am on Monday and loaded the cars. Left the house in two cars (Mom and Dad each drove) with our SEVEN pieces of checked luggage and FIVE carry-on bags perfectly on time at 6am. The security line stretched halfway to Canarsy (as Mom would say) and we made it through in about 30 minutes. The flight to Minneapolis was just perfect. The kids were wonderful and I think I dozed off for a bit. We had to walk eleven miles from terminal to terminal in Minneapolis so that we could board our Mini-Cooper aircraft to Salt Lake City. This thing sat 48 people......THIN people. We piled on and after taking BOTH kids to the potty TWICE, a man approached me (sitting with Sadie on my lap) and indicated with dread, that the window seat was his. I got up to let him in, my head brushing against the CEILING of the plane, and noticed the pain in his face. "I know what you're thinking and, you have to believe me, it won't be that bad." Trying to calm the nerves of a baby-scared airline passenger is funny and sad at the same time. I could have told him I had six bombs taped to my testicles and he would have been more at ease.

The flight to Salt Lake on the go cart was an hour late and extremely uncomfortable. The man sitting behind me was 300 pounds and smelled like he had some old shrimp lodged deep within his beard. Thank goodness Sadie pooped - it took the smell of shrimp away.

We realized something was very wrong after 20 minutes at the baggage claim yielded 4 pieces of luggage. Two car seats and Deb's massive suitcase - missing. We filed claims and Delta lent us two car seats that must have been made for sumo wrestling families. I didn't know whether to install them in a car, or take them home and bathe the kids in them. Our stroller was missing an important piece and my suitcase had a hole punched through it like someone was checking to see if I was trying to smuggle pickled herring and lox into Utah.

Alamo was a breeze. I told Deb I never had an easier time renting a car. There was a reason for that. I never did rent it at all. You see, 5 minutes into our drive to the hotel, my cell phone rang. It was the brain surgeon from Alamo telling me that I never signed my contract for the minivan I just stole from the lot and can I come back and sign them now. I was pissed at this point. I told him that I was in the middle of East Bumblecrap and could not turn around...it was his fault that he let me leave while he made google eyes at the once-in-a-lifetime blonde bombshell that was behind me and needed help learning how to start her car.

Yes, you read right - I said East Bumblecrap. If I were in ANY OTHER PLACE in the entire solar system than Utah, I would have said East Bumblefuck and probably followed that up with a "you stupid snot nosed douchebag" but, I caught myself. I live in Utah now and I have to be nice. Whatever. The rocket scientist ended up DRIVING to my hotel with my unsigned contracts so I could sign them.

The best part was yet to come. My cellphone rings. It's Joe - my moving van driver....

"Hi Mr. Borenstein. It's Joe - your moving van driver."

"Hi, Joe. How are you today?"

"Are you already in Utah? If not, can you delay your flight?"

Again, I am a Utah resident now. NO BAD WORDS. I was good. Turns out that Joe is stuck in Nebraska and Route 80 is CLOSED due to the massive snowstorm that's all over CNN. What makes it worse, is that he is just 40 miles from where the road closed. 40 miles from freedom. He "may" be delayed from Wednesday to Friday with 16,000 pounds of my shit.

I spoke to Joe again this afternoon. He's in Nebraska, the same 40 freaking miles from open road that he was 24 hours ago. In his words, he will be "lucky" to get here on Friday. OK. Deb has no clothes, I have 3 pair of underwear and the kids have a bunch of odds and ends. That's gonna be GREAT. I can't yell at Joe, though, because he sincerely feels bad.

So last night at midnight, Delta shows up here at my hotel with our stuff. Things are looking up. Today we spent hours at the house just sitting on the floor and opening all of our mail. Hannah's new Princess bedroom set arrived and our new internet phones did too (Vonage!). We planned out where all our furniture was going to go when it gets here. Then I thought about every material possession of mine being stuck on an orange truck in a blizzard in Nebraska and I got nauseous.

We have eaten six consecutive meals at various fast food joints and tonight it was a pleasure eating a shrimp spinach salad at Applebees. The kids are eating well, despite the amount of chicken nuggets. We decided to borrow some pots from the hotel tomorrow and make a dinner at our house. We bought some stuff at Target tonight to make dinner with. The BIGGEST target in the free world, I might add. It has a grocery store attached to it. An entire, fully stocked grocery store with prepared foods and a Starbucks and everything. Niiiiiice.....

We officially put the hotel on notice that we aint going anywhere for a few days so we continue to live in a one bedroom efficiency until Mother Nature stops being a bitch and opens the damn road.

I am tired all of a sudden....I think the Grande-Triple Espresso-Skim-Cinnamon Dolce Latte is wearing off. Try ordering THAT without stuttering! Good night everyone and look for updates tomorrow or Thursday. Peace.