Sun, Snow, School and Snails

Time is moving along quite quickly here in what I consider to be the single most beautiful place I have ever seen inside the United States. You can never get tired of waking up and walking into the kitchen for breakfast and looking out your window at miles of snow capped mountains.

Anyway, here's an update on what's going on since my last post...

The movers were successful in moving 18,000 pounds of our stuff into the house. For the most part, everything transferred very well. However, after about two hours of moving, the crew called me outside. I knew it was not good news. Turns out our 2-year old, 57" TV was completely totaled in the move. Some doofus back home thought it would be a good idea to pack a 200 pound DESK on top of it for the 2,200 mile trip. Done. It completely SUCKS. We were so looking forward to watching some good hi-def TV after three months and now this... So....thank goodness we have the complete replacement option in the insurance for the move so we SHOULD get a new TV out of this. Of course, the company will argue that it can be fixed and we will face weeks of arguing...I'll keep you all posted. Of course, when I called to check on the claim yesterday, I was told to call back on Friday. It's starting already...

The house looked in shambles the day of the move....

There were boxes everywhere and it looked like there would be WEEKS of work to be done. However, we decided that we would work slowly and take as long as we would need. It was a good decision. Tonight, as I write this, we are about 50% completed. The kitchen was first and that took two days by itself.

Sadie ate cereal for the first time!

I started in the new office Monday and things are crazy in there setting up the office and ordering supplies and such. My first three hires flew to Philly today to begin an intensive 2.5 week training and they will start with me in the office on April 17th. THAT'S when the fun starts!

So I promised I would post a few shots of our life in the skanky hotel. Four of the most uncomfortable days of our lives.

Things were pretty tight and we didn't have much room to do much of anything...

However...while Deb and I were fighting every moment to keep composed and calm, the kids thought it was the greatest time they ever had. They got to sleep with us and eat at restaurants three meals a day. When we got back to the room at night, they kept us sane...

They stayed happy while we were cursing Mother Nature for snowing a million inches right where our truck was. They are awesome.

So, now it's Day six and we are settling in quite nicely. The weather has been absolutely stunning....except for today. It rained on and off and the mountains got over two feet of snow (or as the skiers would say, "two feet of fresh powder"). I will put some scenery photos up in the coming days.

So we all know that when it rains, the earthworms come out to say "Hi!" Tonight, as I was taking out the trash at around 7pm, I noticed about fifty of the creepy crawlers on our walkway. It was amazing - I have never seen so many worms in one place! I ran into the house to get Elijah and Hannah and they came outside to look at them with me. Two steps outside and Elijah shouts, "SNAIL!!!" and, sure enough, right there resting on a piece of carpet, was a slimy snail! I have never seen one live before. We got down real close on the carpet and I put our new digital camera to the test. Elijah named him Shelly. Isn't she cute?

I should have moved her but I decided to let her be. I just hope I don't step on Shelly when I leave for work in the morning!

There's one more picture I want to share with you. It was a few nights before we left. Our friends had some pizza for us and Lynne baked the most amazing, Utah shaped cake EVER. I leave you with this picture until next time! Good Night!!

The Walls are Closing In....

Our week continues here in beautiful, sunny Salt Lake. First, some observations from the last four days and then the continuing story of our journey here. (As a bit of a spoiler, I will let you know that the story as it now stands has us STILL here in this hellhole of a "hotel" tonight.)

So, those observations....

• Every woman is pregnant. Seriously. Every single woman, with the exception of my wife, in the state of Utah is pregnant. I've only seen one hospital. Where are they all born?
• Everyone is so sweet here it's like I am living in the movie Fargo. You walk into Einstein Bagels and the woman greets you like you are her long lost cousin. They practically HUG you here. In McDonalds, the woman at the counter actually explained to me how their store works and why their store is so different than the others in the area. Then she gave me my heart attack on a plate and wished me a great day. Incredible. (If Mom is reading this, substitute McDonalds with Salad Works).
• It's 50 degrees out and, unless you have been here, you have no idea what that feels like. People ALL OVER are wearing shorts and flip flops. SHORTS AND FLIP FLOPS!! That's just the way people live out here...in shorts and flip flops. We are not wearing jackets most of the time because, although it may be cold, it's not "chilly" if you know what I mean. It's just cold....nice, calm, dry cold. Perfect weather. My windows were open today.
• Policemen take your height and weight when they pull you over. See below for more on that.
• Finally, and this may be the most incredible thing about Utah, you never get machines when you call businesses. HUMANS ANSWER THE PHONE HERE!! I called the cable company - Comcast - the phone rang twice and a man answered, "Hello, Comcast!" Deb called the DMV - the freaking DMV!!! - and a human answered the phone and then answered all her questions WITHOUT transferring her ONCE!!!! Go figure!

We registered Elijah for Kindergarten and his first day was Wednesday. I was pulling up to the school and I noticed police lights flashing behind me. The conversation that transpired was nothing short of extraordinary (think Fargo again here for the accents...)

"Afternoon Sir, how ya doin' today?"

"Good, officer. And you?"

"Terrific! Hey listen, the reason I pulled ya on over today was 'cause you were speeding there. I had ya clocked at 37 in a 25 zone there. That's 12 miles over the speed limit there."

"Ouch"

"Hey - can I take a peek at yer license and registration please?"

(I panic....I realize I left that damn....sorry....dagum rental papers in the hotel room. In Philly I would be roughed and calling my one relative. In Utah.....)

"Gee - you know that happens all the time!! People forget those papers back in the hotel and that's OK. I'll be right back."

(he goes back to his car for about 45 seconds. The next part is what really sticks with me...)

"OK sir - I am going to issue you a written warning there sir. No fine, no points, no worries. You don't gotta show up in court for this here. Just a warning."

"Thank you officer"

"OK, sir, can I get your height please?"

"OK....6 feet"

"GREAT!! Can I get your WEIGHT PLEASE?"

(what the fuck? a policeman is asking for my weight?)

"Gee, officer, that's a LOADED question!"

(laugh - HE LAUGHS TOO!)

"Drive safe now, OK Sir? Welcome to Utah and I hope you have a great stay with us."

I wanted to get the guy's phone number and invite him and his family to dinner.

Anyway, Elijah LOVES school. He has Mrs. Carter and he's fitting in nicely after just two days.

I REALLY feel bad for the kids because we've been sleeping in this tiny room for 4 nights. Thank goodness - at 8am tomorrow the orange truck is supposed to pull up to the house and dump all my shit there. TOMORROW we will move in - 3 days behind schedule but all the stronger for it.

Just in the last 11 hours we have:

• Gotten Debbie a drivers license (I could not get mine because my social security card is on the damn truck)
• Had $376 in groceries delivered to the house by Albertsons.
• Dropped another $250 in Costco on more groceries.
• Received two awesome packages - TWO DOZEN bagels from our dear friends the Vincoffs and an amazing TREE from Aunt Helene.
• Gone to the potty 11 times and changed 3 poopie diapers.
• Gone to Smiths grocery store and bought some more odds and ends.

We are exhausted.

So....I need to post some pics for all of you!! Got some good ones already from here in our skanky hotel room.

More updates later. I need some sleep - there is a place next to Elijah on the bed waiting for me!!

Love you all!!

24 Hours We Will Never Forget

It's just after 10pm on Tuesday night and my internal clock is still not right. Everyone is sleeping and I am here typing on the laptop in our hotel room. I am not even tired, despite the fact that I slept just 4 hours last night and little the night before.

The trip out here was (still is) certainly memorable. I will try to recap to this point....

We woke up at 5am on Monday and loaded the cars. Left the house in two cars (Mom and Dad each drove) with our SEVEN pieces of checked luggage and FIVE carry-on bags perfectly on time at 6am. The security line stretched halfway to Canarsy (as Mom would say) and we made it through in about 30 minutes. The flight to Minneapolis was just perfect. The kids were wonderful and I think I dozed off for a bit. We had to walk eleven miles from terminal to terminal in Minneapolis so that we could board our Mini-Cooper aircraft to Salt Lake City. This thing sat 48 people......THIN people. We piled on and after taking BOTH kids to the potty TWICE, a man approached me (sitting with Sadie on my lap) and indicated with dread, that the window seat was his. I got up to let him in, my head brushing against the CEILING of the plane, and noticed the pain in his face. "I know what you're thinking and, you have to believe me, it won't be that bad." Trying to calm the nerves of a baby-scared airline passenger is funny and sad at the same time. I could have told him I had six bombs taped to my testicles and he would have been more at ease.

The flight to Salt Lake on the go cart was an hour late and extremely uncomfortable. The man sitting behind me was 300 pounds and smelled like he had some old shrimp lodged deep within his beard. Thank goodness Sadie pooped - it took the smell of shrimp away.

We realized something was very wrong after 20 minutes at the baggage claim yielded 4 pieces of luggage. Two car seats and Deb's massive suitcase - missing. We filed claims and Delta lent us two car seats that must have been made for sumo wrestling families. I didn't know whether to install them in a car, or take them home and bathe the kids in them. Our stroller was missing an important piece and my suitcase had a hole punched through it like someone was checking to see if I was trying to smuggle pickled herring and lox into Utah.

Alamo was a breeze. I told Deb I never had an easier time renting a car. There was a reason for that. I never did rent it at all. You see, 5 minutes into our drive to the hotel, my cell phone rang. It was the brain surgeon from Alamo telling me that I never signed my contract for the minivan I just stole from the lot and can I come back and sign them now. I was pissed at this point. I told him that I was in the middle of East Bumblecrap and could not turn around...it was his fault that he let me leave while he made google eyes at the once-in-a-lifetime blonde bombshell that was behind me and needed help learning how to start her car.

Yes, you read right - I said East Bumblecrap. If I were in ANY OTHER PLACE in the entire solar system than Utah, I would have said East Bumblefuck and probably followed that up with a "you stupid snot nosed douchebag" but, I caught myself. I live in Utah now and I have to be nice. Whatever. The rocket scientist ended up DRIVING to my hotel with my unsigned contracts so I could sign them.

The best part was yet to come. My cellphone rings. It's Joe - my moving van driver....

"Hi Mr. Borenstein. It's Joe - your moving van driver."

"Hi, Joe. How are you today?"

"Are you already in Utah? If not, can you delay your flight?"

Again, I am a Utah resident now. NO BAD WORDS. I was good. Turns out that Joe is stuck in Nebraska and Route 80 is CLOSED due to the massive snowstorm that's all over CNN. What makes it worse, is that he is just 40 miles from where the road closed. 40 miles from freedom. He "may" be delayed from Wednesday to Friday with 16,000 pounds of my shit.

I spoke to Joe again this afternoon. He's in Nebraska, the same 40 freaking miles from open road that he was 24 hours ago. In his words, he will be "lucky" to get here on Friday. OK. Deb has no clothes, I have 3 pair of underwear and the kids have a bunch of odds and ends. That's gonna be GREAT. I can't yell at Joe, though, because he sincerely feels bad.

So last night at midnight, Delta shows up here at my hotel with our stuff. Things are looking up. Today we spent hours at the house just sitting on the floor and opening all of our mail. Hannah's new Princess bedroom set arrived and our new internet phones did too (Vonage!). We planned out where all our furniture was going to go when it gets here. Then I thought about every material possession of mine being stuck on an orange truck in a blizzard in Nebraska and I got nauseous.

We have eaten six consecutive meals at various fast food joints and tonight it was a pleasure eating a shrimp spinach salad at Applebees. The kids are eating well, despite the amount of chicken nuggets. We decided to borrow some pots from the hotel tomorrow and make a dinner at our house. We bought some stuff at Target tonight to make dinner with. The BIGGEST target in the free world, I might add. It has a grocery store attached to it. An entire, fully stocked grocery store with prepared foods and a Starbucks and everything. Niiiiiice.....

We officially put the hotel on notice that we aint going anywhere for a few days so we continue to live in a one bedroom efficiency until Mother Nature stops being a bitch and opens the damn road.

I am tired all of a sudden....I think the Grande-Triple Espresso-Skim-Cinnamon Dolce Latte is wearing off. Try ordering THAT without stuttering! Good night everyone and look for updates tomorrow or Thursday. Peace.

Fun With Utah

This week has been very difficult. It's been like a Farewell Tour for us. Every night, we are dining with different family and friends. Each night ends in tearful hugs and promises of Utah visits. We still have tonight, tomorrow and Sunday to go but, at this point, we are ready to start our adventure in Salt Lake City.

I was going to post another mushy story about how wonderful our friends are. We've been having dinner with them almost all week and we are so lucky in that respect. The cake that Lynne made for us was absolutely incredible and I will post a picture here later. However, I decided to make this post a little more light hearted and share with you some of what we will be experiencing out in Utah.

YOU MIGHT BE LIVING IN UTAH IF:

Sandals are the best-selling shoes.

You have to ask for the uncensored version of "Titanic."

Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.

You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running. Then they come in fourth.

You live on Redwood Road, but there are no redwood trees, or any trees for that matter.

The local NBA team is named after the entire state instead of a city.

Schools stay open, even if two feet of snow falls overnight, but close for the opening of hunting season.

People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.

There is a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.

You go to a wedding reception where the bride isn't pregnant, but her mother is.

People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery.

In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.

Beer drinkers don't shop on Sunday.

When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks are standard.

Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.

"Temple recommends"are acceptable identification for cashing a check.

The July 4th celebration lasts 20 days.

More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.

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I've heard them all by now...

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?
A: Because thirty-six is just too many.

It goes on and on....

YES - I saw "that show on HBO" this past Sunday. It's on after the Soprano's and it's called BIG LOVE. It's about a Utah polygamist (Bill Paxton) and his life with three wives and kids, all living in three houses next to eachother. Of course, I am watching it. It's funny because in the first five minutes of the show they mention that the family lives in the Wasatch Valley. That's exactly where we are going to be living. I'll be on the lookout for Bill!

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously, she says -

Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"

Brigham Young: "I am."

I am Stuck on Band-Aid and Band-Aid's Stuck On Me

I am sitting in my bed. It's 10:54 on Monday evening and a thought just raced through my head. ONE WEEK from this very moment, every single material item my family owns, with the exception of some underwear, assorted clothes and some toiletries, will be on a truck moving at 60 miles per hour on Route 80 somewhere in western Pennsylvania on it's way to Salt Lake City, Utah. My family will be sleeping here in Cherry Hill, NJ getting ready to spend our last week as residents of this town for a LOONG time. What a strange feeling.

Part of me is just freaked out that I have a couple of days to PACK everything up in the house to get it ready for the truck. Dad brought home ten boxes from his store today to help us out. Mom cried once today; Deb twice.

With each passing day, I find myself becoming more and more ready for this move. Deb and I had a conversation today and I realized that my emotions are so different from hers and there are legitimate reasons for that. For starters, she is HERE in the house all day long. She talks to the family, spends time with the kids, etc. I am at work. Deb says it's like pulling a Band-Aid one hair at a time...you know that once it comes off it's going to feel fine....it's the getting the darn thing off that hurts like hell. When we get out there I am going to be working long hours. I will be occupied by the job and Deb will be home with the kids. It's going to be tougher for her to leave and tougher for her to adjust out there. She has been great throughout all this - really incredible, actually. I am lucky to have her. I just hope the Band-Aid comes off as smoothly as possible.

Forget UTAH for JUST a Second....

OK so we have around three weeks to go...but let's forget that just for a second. I want to take a second to plug a new project.

Just Us Dads is a new weblog I put together that will feature posts written by Dads about their experiences as a father. There are LOTS of Mommy blogs out there and just not enough Daddy ones.

I've recruited a bunch of Dads and we are going to post some things and hope to get some good discussion and feedback going. So - head on over to Just Us Dads and bookmark it!!

OK...we now return to our regularly scheduled blogging....

Follow the Snow Brick Road

From when I step foot in my office every morning until I leave around 5:30 every day, I must get 20 questions about when I am leaving for Utah. "So when are they sending you out there?" "Got a move day yet?" "When is the office finally opening?"

Next to questions about me being a Jew in Utah, it's the most common conversation subject. I should just get a t-shirt that says "Soon to be ten Jews in Utah" on the front. Up to now, I didn't know what I would put on the back. However, I can now announce for certain that the back of that t-shirt can read, "The Adventure Begins - March 20, 2006".

The other night, Deb and I were sitting around and I told her we had to finalize this thing because we needed to let the movers know and start the process of helping everyone grieve. I am half joking on that last part but the truth is that there are a lot of people saying some very touching things to us these last few weeks. I knew we would be missed but I never thought it would be like this. I won't get too mushy here but I can tell you that we are really feeling the love these days. It's nice on one hand and, of course, on the other hand it makes it more tough to go. Deb has had her crying spots and after every one she reassures me that she's excited about getting out there but the actual move it becoming more and more real. I know. It's not going to be easy but we've had lots of time to prepare and there are exciting times coming!!! So - I won't dwell on this too long. Just wanted to let everyone know that March 20 is the day.

We settle on our house tomorrow! We signed all the papers today and had them notarized. They are going to Utah by FedEx in the morning. Our first mortgage payment in four months will be due on April 1st. It's good to be a homeowner again. I've now owned more homes than my parents have in their lifetime!

It's amazing - when Deb has a sad moment and cries a little, Elijah always runs over to her and comforts her. He says everything is going to be fine. He hugs her. It's adorable. I really think he's ready for this move. He will start school immediately and karate as well. We also just got some good information on the JCC Summer Camp out there so he will spend some weeks doing that this summer. He's been wonderful about all this.

Hannah just wants to take a purple plane to Utah. Nothing else matters. Purple plane. I keep thinking about her on the Soul Plane to Utah.....

More updates coming soon. Gotta get some sleep now. Night.

WAIT!! I almost forgot....

My bud Jules from Tales From the Stirrups tagged by butt and now I have to answer these questions...

Four jobs I've had in my life:
1. Working at Dad's retail store, C&J Discount (I was the 'J'!)
2. Working for an advertising company placing ads on the sides of NJ Transit buses (Aunt Helene got me that job)
3. Bill Collector!! Three companies. Yes, I had a few alises (Paul Britton and Randy Jackson to name a few)
4. Selling gold plated jewelery business to business. The biggest waste of time EVER.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. About Last Night
2. Anchorman
3. Planes Tranes and Automobiles
4. Girls Gone Wild Volumes 1-80 (does this count as 1?)

Four places I have been on vacation (in order of favorites):
1. Carribean cruise. Ahhhh......
2. Disney! (headed back this October!)
3. Mexico
4. Israel

Four websites I visit daily:
1. MelodicRock.com
2. CNN
3. ESPN
4. Philadelphia Daily News

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Sushi of any kind
2. Beef Stroganoff
3. Deb's milanesa and pude
4. Mom's chicken soup

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. None. Right here in my bed next to Deb is just fine!
2-4. See above.

Put the Needle in the Buttocks

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to some important people who are going through an exciting but rather scary time right now. We send you lots of love and support!!

Post 100

This is the 100th post on Jawdy's Basement. I was going to write something but can't get this picture out of my mind and thought it would be a perfect way to mark the special occasion. I can't believe how my Hannah has grown up so fast....

This Little Piggie

Time is flying by so fast and so much is happening! Here's the update...

Deb, Sadie and I spent four days in Utah last week. We were on a house hunting trip. Elijah and Hannah stayed home with my parents (thanks guys!) and we took Sadie for her first flight. The flight was great - Sadie was amazing - and our first day looking at houses was very interesting. We looked at about a dozen houses all around Salt Lake City and saw some very nice potential houses. Friday morning we got back together with our realtor and went to see another house before our realtor had to go attend other business. We spent the rest of the day together and attended services at the synagogue at night. Notice I say "the synagogue"? That's because I don't need to specify which one because there really is JUST ONE. Anyway, the Rabbi knew we were coming and pointed us out in the congregation. After the service, dozens of people came to introduce themselves and we got into some great conversation. In the car back to the hotel, we made a crucial decision.

Without going into TOO much detail, it's safe to say that Salt Lake City is not the most diverse place to live. I wrote about that here. Well, after speaking with so many of the congregants at the synagogue on Friday night, it was obvious we had to live as close to the city as we could afford. We would have to sacrifice some of the things we wanted in a home so that we could live in a more diverse setting and make life easier for the kids at school and for social life in general. We decided that we would completely shift our requirements for the house and when we arrived at Remax on Saturday morning to see more houses, they were all within a few miles of the city. Well, the results on Saturday were fantastic. More details on the whole house thing in just a minute...

Trackback to Friday afternoon. We had most of the day to ourselves and planned on relaxing at the hotel and previewing more houses online before going to synagogue at 6:30. Well, sometime after 3pm or so, Sadie got fussy. Not a big deal - babies get fussy all the time. Well, Sadie has never been fussy for more than 10 or 15 minutes before. This time, she didn't stop crying. At times, her crying got severe and it was nearly impossible to console her. Deb and I traded off 5 minutes trying different things. We thought she was hungry so we tried a bottle; but Sadie only ate an ounce before crying again. We thought she had gas so we layed her on her back and pumped her legs to help her; but that only made her cry more. After she finally fell asleep for about 30 minutes, we thought we were in the clear. Not the case. Sadie woke up crying worse than before and we were close to either calling a Doctor or driving to the emergency room when Deb made a joke that turned out to be not such a joke after all!

You see, a few weeks ago a co-worker of mine came into my office and told me about the strangest emergency room visit I have ever heard. His infant daughter had somehow gotten her toe tangled up with a hair that was in her sock and the hair wrapped itself around her toe a bunch of times, cutting through the skin and becoming sort of a tourniquet. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctors had to remove the hair under magnification with a special tool. The case of this "hair tourniquet" was so rare, that other doctors in the hospital asked to watch the procedure because they never get to see such a thing. Strange, right? I told Deb about what happened that night and, although the poor little girl was fine, she could have lost her toe from the wayward hair.

Well, while we were trying the thousandth method to get Sadie to calm down, and realizing that we probably were NOT going to synagogue that night, Deb looked at me in an attempt to break the tension and said, "maybe she has a toe tourniquet." We both chuckled. Well, Deb pulled off Sadie's sock and....viola! Blood. "Oh my God. She DOES!"

Deb touched it and Sadie screamed in pain. I ran down to the front desk and borrowed a pair of scissors. Deb had a tweezer in the room. We thought we had a shot of removing it ourselves because the hair was actually wrapped around TWO toes in a figure eight formation so there was room to try and cut the hair between her toes. I held Sadie down and Deb did the operation. She removed two pieces of hair from Sadie's toe and within seconds there was silence. Success. Sadie was happy again.

The hair had broken the skin and so we treated the wound with Neosporin for a few days afterwards. We made it to synagogue and Sadie slept the entire time. Poor thing. Can you imagine what could have happened if my co-worker had not told me that story? Who ever heard of a hair tourniquet?? Apparently, it's a fairly well-known issue with babies. In any case, she's all better now and back to her happy self! Now I know why they say to wash your infant's clothes inside out!!

So back to the house thing. Saturday afternoon we saw a wonderful house that was just 3 miles from my office in the Cottonwood Heights section of Salt Lake City. It needed some updating but we felt it was a diamond in the rough. We bid on it. Last night we found out that we had successfully purchased a house in Salt Lake!




It's the most interesting layout inside that I have ever seen. I'll post more pictures later. There are FOUR levels inside and a two-level deck with a hottub in back. The views are indescribable, both from the deck and the driveway. It's on a cul-de-sac and VERY quiet! We are going to have time to update the floors and paint before we move in so it will be ready for the family in plenty of time! Settlement looks to be around February 21st and the move date sometime in March! We are close to starting our adventure!

Now if we can keep everybody's toes clean.....

I am trying out this new media service! Let me know what you all think. This is a short clip of Hannah singing her Thanksgiving Song.



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Dial 'P' for Poop

Hannah is continuing her potty training and has been remarkably resilient. She has not had a single drop of anything in her panties and she regularly asks to go potty. She's even held it in on a few occasions while we were in transit. However, she is suffering a bit with ole #2 and is not quite there yet with being able to "let go."

She says, "Daddy, I have to poopy," and I take her to the bathroom. She sits down and less than 3 seconds later, she's getting up and announcing that "the poopy is stuck." We lift her pants and leave the bathroom and then, 5 minutes later, we are back in for the same routine. Of course, she is just nervous and get scared right at the moment so she needs to get used to it. To help her transition I am trying a variety of methods in the bathroom to keep her on the seat for more than 3 seconds.

First, I bring some books and magazines. I figure that it works for me, why not her? We read some Dr. Seuss, some Dora and some Blues Clues. No go. So then I try sitting on the floor next to the toilet and telling her stories I made up about her teachers. No go. This past Saturday, we went to Toys R Us and bought her a toy cellphone that flips open and makes all kinds of sounds. Cinderella was on it so she had to have it. Well, she carries this thing around with her all the time and that includes the potty. So we are in there for the 75th time in a span of 15 minutes the other night and, in desperation, I grabbed the cellphone. I opened it up and called the poop.

"Hello, Mr. Poopie? Hi, this is Hannah's daddy. Where are you? YOU ARE?? WOW!! When are you planning on coming out??? NOW???? OK - OK - bye - lemme tell Hannah...we will see you in a coupla seconds!!"

"Hannah - the Poopie packed his bags already and he's coming out of your tushie RIGHT NOW!!! He just told me!! Are you ready?"

I hope the Poopie family has Verizon because the peak time charges would be insane.

Oh, and by the way, it didn't work. Instead my daughter thinks I am absolutely insane and she doesn't bring her phone to the potty anymore.

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All my plumbing seems to be in order!

I met with Dr. Fallick on Friday morning and he checked me out good. I scheduled my procedure for March 31st. Why so late? Well, the earliest appointment was for March 17th but there was not another appointment close enough to mine so that Spencer and I could go together. The next available spot was the 31st. I may be in Utah by then so I may have to reschedule anyway. I hope not cause then I will have to find a new Doctor out there and with all the kids running around, I am not sure what the pickins will be like!!

Speaking of Utah, we are going out there on Thursday morning for our final "tune up". Deb and I have to pick some houses and start making offers on them. We are there for 4 days and should see a bunch to choose from. The plan is to get an offer accepted and more forward ASAP. When the settlement day arrives, so shall the Borenstein family in Utah.

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Finally, there have been many requests for more pictures on the site...so I decided to open an official Kodak Gallery in our name. You can access all of our pics right here and I will add the link to the sidebar of Jawdy's Basement as well. If you see a picture you like, you can even order them directly from our site! Have fun!!!

When Poopie Has Deeper Meaning

What is the most satisfying moment of your life? Do you remember how you felt immediately after your feat? It's that euphoric rush that brings you to pump your fists, stand up and yell..

"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!"

OK, so maybe your exclamation varies from mine a little.

Point here is that last night, Hannah deposited her FIRST poopie into the pottie. It was not easy! She has been in Dora panties since Sunday morning. She just woke up on Sunday and said she didn't want diapers anymore. She had a small poopie accident at school on Monday and had not pooped since. Obviously there were some issues to be worked out there.

I remember Elijah having the same issues when he was potty trained. It was a few days before he began pooping on the pottie. For some reason, kids believe that part of their body is leaving them and they get so scared that it nearly makes them sick.

When Hannah came home from school yesterday and I heard she had not pooped for a second straight day, I knew that she was going through some of those emotions.

During dinner, she said she felt something. That set off a series of bathroom trips for the next 90 or so minutes. We would go in, Hannah would sit on the potty for 10 seconds, get freaked out and announce that "the poopy is stuck." Then she would stand there for a couple of minutes with me while I told her a story or read her a book. Then she would announce that she felt it again so it was back on the potty for 10 seconds......etc.

Finally we moved the operation upstairs to another bathroom and 10 minutes later.....

"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!!"

I screamed, Hannah screamed, Deb and Elijah and Sadie ran in the bathroom screaming. It was like we won the lottery. Afterwards I had that euphoric feeling I mentioned at the top of this post. What an accomplishment!!

Later on when Hannah was in her PJs and getting ready for bed, I gave her a hi-5 and told her we would now be known as the POOPIE PARTNERS.

I love having kids.

The Penal Code (or Is God Trying to Tell Me Something?)

I was born with a double hernia. I must have done some real heavy lifting in utero. At some point in month 5 or 6, I figure that I must have gone too far in trying to shift the placenta from one side of me to the other. Maybe I didn't bend my knees properly. Who knows. One thing is for sure and that is that my scrotum was vacant upon my birth.

At the age of 5, my parents decided it was time to fix the problem and I went for a consult and then surgery was scheduled. There would be two testicles removed from my lower abdomen and then inserted, wired and fastened within my scrotum. Two incisions in my abdomen and two in my scrotum. How many times can I use the word scrotum in one paragraph?

So, my parents decided on a surgeon they felt comfortable with. At age 5, I probably did not care at all who was doing it. I just wanted testicles. I wonder how concerned my parents were when they noticed the Doctor's name. Klutz.

That's right - Dr. Klutz was going to slice open my scrotum and connect my babymakers and insure that my parents would someday become grandparents. The surgery went well. I remember watching my meltoff stitches disappear in the bathtub. I remember that it took YEARS for the scars to disappear from my groin area. Yes, everything healed nicely. Yes, my parents were happy with the results. Yes, I was able to father children later on. BUT the fact that Dr. KLUTZ performed my double hernia surgery has always lingered in my mind. Every time I have a pain in my nether region, I panic. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I read a story about someone with testicle issues. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I look at my son's jewels and make sure everything is in place. DR. KLUTZ. It just won't go away......which is a fact that should not surprise me.......

My mom likes to tell the story of my circumcision. Rather then choose a professional Doctor who does circumcisions for a living, they decided to "hire" the butcher from the kosher deli down the street. The guy pulled up in a Harley and was weilding a machete in a sheath that went all the way down his leg. I think it was actually "Bill" from the Kill Bill movies. So, naturally the so-called Mohel says a few prayers and proceeds to slice my 1-week old johnson into pieces. Mom said the bleeding would not stop. She was afraid I was going to DIE. Imagine the guilt my poor mother must have felt. She hired a mohel who MURDERED her firstborn by severing blood vessels in his unprotected PENIS. 20/20 would have loved that story.

OK OK OK...so I embellished a little. Maybe it wasn't the butcher from down the street....and maybe there was no machete....but it felt like it! It IS true that my mother was scared for my life. The bleeding would not stop and my little weewee got infected. True story!! SO maybe it made complete sense that, when it came time to fix my hernia, the Doctor that was chosen was named Klutz.

Fast forward 32 years or so. Now, finally confident that my boys have done their job, I've decided to submit them to the ultimate sacrifice......DEATH. On January 27th, I will be in a urologist's office for a consultation. During that meeting, a date will be set for the ceremonial severing of my beloved vasa deferentia. In English - I am getting my nuts snipped.

It was hard to accept that this was going to happen at first. I was extremely happy and grateful for Dr. Klutz when my testes didn't run back the other way when the word vasectomy was first uttered. He must have done a good job closing the road to ball traffic because if there ever was a time for them guys to turn around and go back.....it was at that moment. However, now it has become very clear that if I want to have any evidence of an enjoyable sex life WITHOUT the possibility of more Borensteins, that I need to go through the simple process of getting my scrotum sliced open, vas deferens yanked out and CLIPPED, and then having them cauterized with a welding gun. Well, you don't have to believe MY description. Here is the exact description directly from the urologist's website:

The patient is given a local anesthetic to the scrotal area.
The surgeon will make 1 to 2 small incisions on either side of the scrotum and
pull the vasa deferentia through these incisions. The vasa deferentia are
severed and either tied or cauterized then secured with a suture or surgical
clamp.

They just make it sound so wonderful, don't they? I especially like the part about sutures and surgical clamps. Yeah - THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

But, I mean, it's not like I have not BEEN THERE before! I was BORN with that double hernia people!! Dr. Hannibal Lechter nearly turned me into John Wayne Bobbitt as a one-week old and then Dr. Klutz juggled my testicles OUTSIDE OF MY BODY before using twisties to put them back in place. To this day I have no idea if he accidentally DROPPED ONE. I mean, if he did drop one on the operating room floor, what would the nurses say? "You are such a Klutz, Doctor."??????????????

So what's the point? Well, it seems almost comical or ironic OR both.....however, again, not at all surprising when I discovered the name of the Doctor who will be sterilizing me for good next month. His name is Dr. Mark L. Fallick. Go figure.....a urologist named Fallick. Is that WRONG?

My first question to Dr. Fallick will be, "Why did you get into urology? Was it because your friends RODE you throughout your entire childhood and this is your way of getting back at them?" HA HA!!! Look at me!!! I am a urologist and my name is FALLICK!!!! Showed you all!

I wonder if Dr. Fallick knows Dr. Lechter or Dr. Klutz? Maybe they all attend the SAME SUPPORT GROUP. Either way, I hope this story ends with the simple sutures and clamps that all good stories end with. I just hope that Dr. Fallick does not look at my junk and say, "Hmmm..that looks like the work of Dr. Klutz." I can guarantee that if that happens, my boys will be running the other way faster than the Roadrunner trying to lose Wile E. Coyote.

Come to think of it.....haven't my boys been through ENOUGH procedures already? Soon they will be compared to Michael Jackson's face....and you know what they say about his nose, right?

I AM GOING TO HAVE A LEE PRESS-ON PENIS!!!!!!!

I need some frozen peas.....

Homeless and Living in Grand Central Station

Call ABC, NBC, CBS or FOX right away. We have the PERFECT situation comedy / reality show opportunity for them!! It's on Country Club Drive in Cherry Hill, NJ. The ratings will be THROUGH THE ROOF!! The Neilson people will bronze a statue of us!! David Letterman will invite us to perform on Stupid Human Tricks! We can make MILLIONS!!!

We are homeless. For the first time since 1998, we do not have a mortgage. No electric bill, water bill, sewage, NOTHING! Of course, we had to set up a wireless network at Mom's and put a DVR in our room (notice I didn't call it our BEDroom - just our ROOM because that's where we LIVE). Heck, with the wireless internet and DVR in our room - there's no reason to LEAVE! When we DO leave is when the fun starts. That's when the cameras should start rolling...

The door closes to our room and we can see Luis and Elijah in THEIR room. Elijah is playing his GameBoy and watching "Land Before Time, Part 22" on the TV. Luis is next to him holding a plate of chicken nuggets that he brought upstairs from the kitchen because Elijah refused to eat them because they were not in the shape of DINOSAURS. Luis calls me on my cellphone to tell me that Elijah is in danger of getting said nuggets force fed to him through his sphincter in 2 minutes if he does not eat them willingly. I tell Luis to make sure they have ketchup on them first or that would hurt like hell.

Down the hall in Mom's office we see 5-year old Sofia playing with her new Barbie while Sabrina is on the computer working on her thesis. The topic is why American men suck.

Mom and Dad's bedroom is occupied by a toddler bed. In the toddler bed is a napping Hannah - innocent and ALWAYS happy. The sanity of the house is restored with one line "It's a BEEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL day!"

Downstairs in the kitchen, there needs to be multiple cameras. One focused on Dad trying to figure out his new Senseo coffee maker. "I've pushed every freakin button on this thing 4 times. Where's my coffee?" "Did you read the instructions, Dad?" "No." Dad provides the most intense humor in the house because even the slightest disruption of his routine (like removing 5% of the pulp in his orange juice) causes the earth to change it's rotation. When we put digital cable in the family room, the new remote almost caused Dad to enroll in therapy. I think he's told me FIFTEEN times in the week we have been there, that he will be reverting BACK to the rabbit ears, SPRUCER BOX cable system the SECOND we leave the house. He's only happy when he can hit the side of the TV to improve the reception.

Luis comes down to the kitchen to make his four turkey sandwiches for lunch. He's still hungry after that so he cooks up some spinach and egg and while he rocks out to Poison and Whitesnake.

Mom comes home and cooks dinner for everyone. Salad, green beans, spinach, brussel sprouts, carrots, collared greens, broccoli, celery, broccoli robb, radishes, peas, lima beans, beets, and cauliflower served on a bed of cabbage and endive and garnished with flaxseed oil and wheat germ. Dad gets up from the table and causes the room to gasp when he adds salt and a dollop of butter on his radish. Mom nearly has an anxiety attach but Luis brings her the oxygen tank just in time. Cut to a commercial.

When we return, Dad is retreating to the couch to catch this week's episode of '24' but yells in to Debbie to help him find the right channel on the remote. Before she leaves, he tells her she can take the cable system with her when she moves out.

At 8pm, Elijah is still working on his Mac & Cheese. It's been two hours. Mom tells me that I am too fat and in the next sentence offers me up a slice of 4-layer ice cream cake with a side of Crisco and bacon fat. The audience is rolling at this point.

I clear my throat and Mom runs over with a gallon of chicken soup and some sliced potatoes to wrap around my head. Buba says they take the sick out of you. "I'm not sick, Mom. I cleared my throat because I had a piece of wheat germ stuck down there." Mom demands I drink the chicken soup (after she skims the fat off it) and then tells me to check my testicles. The credits roll.

Viewers can't WAIT for the coming attractions for next week's episode in which Candice secretly replaces Dad's remote with a mango and tells him it's the latest in technology. Dad spends 5 minutes trying to use it to watch 'Law and Order'. Elijah runs up from downstairs where he's been on a 4-day Star Wars Playstation binge and asks if chicken nuggets come in Darth Vader shapes. The cliffhanger occurs when all three bathrooms are occupied and Luis needs to poop.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN??

Stay tuned for another episode of..... "The Real World: Borenstein's" Come to think of it...we ought to seek out the movie rights too....

Happy Birthday Elijah!!

I can't believe he's SIX!!! A bunch of us went to Lincoln Financial Field on Saturday to get a tour of the place and then went to Friendly's for ice cream. The Eagles field was very cool and we got to step on the field and tour the press box and the post-game conference room. They would not let us in the Eagles locker room because it was the day before a game. Still a good time was had by all and the Star Wars toys are piling up in the house!!!




Warm wishes and MAZEL TOV to our friends Julie and Marc (see Tales from the Stirrups) on the successful return home with their new son! He's gorgeous!

I don't wanna jinx anything here but it looks like our house has been sold! We are going through some typical attorney review/inspection issues now but it looks like closing will be NEXT FRIDAY. Just mentioning that makes my stomach hurt. I am not going to say much more yet but we are having movers come and pack up everything and store it until the final move to Utah in late March or early April. We will be taking up with the parental units until then. This means that we will be OUT OF OUR HOUSE by this time - next week. Gulp. I will update you all later on.

Meanwhile we have visitors!! Luis is back in town from Colombia and this time he brought Sabrina and her beautiful daughter Sophia. I will post pictures next time. They are staying with my parents until mid-January...which....means.....yes.....you got it. Sardines. Should be a fun couple of weeks.

Sadie sleeps 5-6 hours straight at night!! Deb is doing a phenomenal job with her schedule. I am convinced that any baby can spend a week with Deb and get on an excellent sleep schedule!

While we were at the link, I took some time in the Press Conference Room to introduce the new wide receiver for the Eagles next year. The press was there to take photos...

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELIJAH!!! I hope to get more pictures of you like this in the coming weeks but I am afraid you are never going to put down the GameBoy we bought you!! WE LOVE YOU!

JEEZ! It's Not THAT Bad!!

People love to put the fear of god in you. That's just human nature. When we announced we were expecting our third child, most people would congratulate us and then tell us one of the following things:

1. Since your first two kids were so wonderful as infants, this one will DRIVE YOU TO DRINK and you will be in a sanitarium by the time you are 40.
2. Well, there goes any chance of SLEEPING EVER AGAIN! Hannah and Elijah slept through the night at 9 weeks so this one is going to put you on SLEEP MEDICATION.
3. Two was easy - each one of you is in charge of one. THREE? Forget it! It's like going from man-to-man defense to a ZONE. They are going to be all over the place. YOUR LIFE IS NOW OVER. GIVE UP. YOU ARE GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET AND YOUR KIDS ARE HOLDING THE HANDLE!! SURRENDER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look, people, y'all need to accept this as FACT: WE MAKE GOOD KIDS! We have the recipe and we cook 'em to perfection.

Sadie is a doll. Aside from being beautiful, she is peaceful and easy. She treats us like gold. JUST LIKE ELIJAH AND HANNAH DID!! Wow - did we defy the odds?

Sadie is sleeping at 3-5 hour clips at night, which is great. She's up to 4 ounces of formula for each bottle and she's up a lot during the day. She's going to be a month old in a few days!! Soon she will be smiling!!

Meanwhile, Elijah is moving right along in Kindergarten and his 6th birthday is this weekend! We are going to Lincoln Financial Field for a tour on Saturday to celebrate. He's quite the Eagles fan! Hannah is learning to go on the potty and she's so incredibly lovable and squeezeable - it's awesome. She's all love all the time.

It's a BEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL DAY!!!!

Every morning when I go into Hannah's room to get her, I open her shades and she yells that statement out loud. I told her that EVERY day is a beautiful day and she loves telling me that every morning. "Look Daddy, it's raining REALLY hard and it's VEEERRRRY chilly outside but it's a BEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL DAY!!!! I love her.




Got a big month coming up with cousins Luis, Sabrina and Sophia coming from Colombia next week!! It's going to be a great holiday season!!!

Always more to come...

Party of Five

So now what?

Here we are....huddled around the TV....watching the Eagles game. In moments like this, it does not seem any different - two kids vs. three kids. Actually, so far, it's been pretty easy. Deb and I have been working the system while I've been home from work. Deb's been really bonding with Sadie and has taken on most of the duties with her while I have been concentrating on Elijah and Hannah. Tomorrow the test really begins when I go back to work and Deb is here all day with Sadie. I know she can do it, she's been incredibly amazing from day one of the pregnancy. She hasn't complained, hasn't "played the pregnancy card" at all and has maintained being a wonderful mom and wife at the same time. There were times during the pregnancy where Deb was more active and involved than before she was pregnant! You would never know!! I am proud of her. She's a terrific mommy.

Meanwhile, I've managed to spend alone time with both Elijah and Hannah this week - taking them shopping and on various errands outside and playing a lot with them here. They have both been very accepting in their own ways of Sadie and they are both very happy that she's here. Hannah tells everyone about her "little thithter" and then moves on to the next subject. I was feeding Hannah soup the other day and wanted to put a bib on her to protect her clothes and she pulled it away and said, "this is HERS! this bib is my little thithters!" Elijah is all over her - ALL THE TIME. Yesterday, Hannah's Godparents, Spencer and Lynne, were over and their daughter Sydney was leaning over Sadie. Elijah stepped in and said, "not too close to the face please, Sydney." He's so overprotective. Last night before bed, Elijah told us that if we needed help during the night, to wake him up and he would help us feed and change her. It was adorable.

Sadie has been sleeping for 3-4 hours at a shot at night, which is great. She gave us 5 hours once a few nights back. She's been easy to feed and falls asleep on her own each time. All we have to do is swaddle her and lay her in her bassinet. 30 minutes most. It's great.

We have had tens of people stopping over and bringing food. Right now, we have a dozen or so meals sitting in the fridge waiting to either be eaten or go bad. Hey - we can't eat everything!!! We have chinese food, two chickens, mashed potatoes, corn, beans, eggplant parm, briskit, roast beef and chicken salad in the fridge. Wanna come over?

So there you have it. It was a nice, easy week and Deb and I had a chance to relax, play video games and get some peace and quiet. Now it's time to get on with life!! Work at 8am tomorrow.

Speaking of work....a lot of you are wondering what's going on with me with the whold move thing. Well, I'll have more information for you all later this week but it appears that the move will be more like March or April 2006. Lots of reasons for this but I won't bother boring you with those. I'll update again later on in the week.

So thanks to all who have been here and helped us out this week. We are now a party of FIVE and yes, I can assure you, it will never be six. :-)

Sadie the Beautiful Baby

Sadie the Pretty Baby!!!!

She's here!!!! I don't have much time so I am copying the e-mail I sent to friends and family here and will include some additional pics!!!

Hi all!!

Yesterday afternoon at 4:19, we welcomed the newest Borenstein into the world!

Her name is Sadie Pearl Borenstein and she weighed in at 7 pounds and 3 ounces. She was 18.25 inches long. Everyone is doing great and I still can’t believe this happened.

Elijah and Hannah wore their big brother/big sister T-shirts to the hospital to meet Sadie and it was one of those moments you don’t ever forget. They spent the night at Mom’s house and Deb and I got great night’s sleep. I spoke to Deb this morning and she was cleaning the room and wants to come home TODAY. The Doctor said it’s possible but, most likely, it will be tomorrow.

Hope to speak to you all soon!!!!

Dad (times 3!)