Jawdy's Basement Presents the First Ever Video Blog!

First off, head over the picture site for two new picture albums featuring Hannah's Third Birthday Dinner and Elijah's Kindergarten Program.

Now, speaking of Elijah's program...here is the first video ever posted here at the Basement. There are more to come - mostly shorter than this but I HAD to run this whole thing because it's absolutely classic. Elijah is there in the middle - it won't take long to find him. SHAKE THOSE HIPS!!!

Milestones and House Pains

Sorry so late!! For the first time since writing on Jawdy's Basement, I have been uninspired for some reason. Strange, I must say. Usually I will remark a bunch of times that "I need to post about this" but lately I have not said that. UNTIL NOW! What a eventful week we had here in the Borenstein Family - Utah Branch....

First is big news about Elijah. He woke up one morning and announced that his tooth had come out! It had been loose for quite some time, about a month I think, and he woke up with it on his tongue. I think we were more excited than he was. He was so nonchalant about it - just announced that the thing was on his tongue, put it in a plastic bag and went to watch his morning TV. That night he put the tooth under his pillow and the tooth fairy delivered a fresh $5 bill in it's place. He awoke the next morning and grabbed the $5 and went around telling everyone that the tooth fairy gave him "just one five-dollar bill." Poor kid. When I lost my teeth, the tooth fairy gave me some broccoli and flaxseed. So the going rate is $5 per tooth now? Amazing. He's actually decided to bank the cash in hopes of saving enough money to purchase the millennium Falcon. The ACTUAL millennium Falcon. I told him he would need to steal other kid's teeth to get enough cash for that. Our boy is TOOTHLESS!! I loved calling him that. That's what Dad called my sister and I when we lost teeth. "Hey toothless - come eat your broccoli. You don't want the tooth fairy to get offended!"

Sunday was, of course, Mother's Day. It was also our Hannah's third birthday. We got a little homesick when we asked Hannah where she wanted to have her birthday dinner and she said "Aunt Cannice's house." Eventually she decided on Mexican food so we went to the city and ate dinner at the Blue Iguana. Hannah ordered a burrito and had the greatest time. It was precious.

They don't really do a Happy Birthday thing over there but our waiter, Carlos, was kind enough to sing Happy Birthday to Hannah anyway. That plate is fried ice cream and Hannah thought there was popcorn in it when she tasted it. We told her it was cinnamon and she asked Carlos how they got the cinnamon in the ice cream. It was adorable. She said it was the best birthday dinner she ever had.

We are so proud - our little girl is three!

So the weekend was over and then came today....let me start by taking you back a few weeks...or a few years...

Most of you know that the one common denominator with all of the houses we have owned has been WATER. Our first house had water flowing into the downstairs family room on a regular basis. If that was not happening then the hot water heater was overflowing and murdering our carpet. So we moved. House #2 had that whole basement fiasco that I don't want to remember right now but if you want to relive it, you can do so here. SO now we moved across the country to one of the dryest states of all. You know what's coming....

A few weeks back, I noticed a small puddle just inside the laundry room door which leads to the backyard. I figured water had just seeped under the door (we had rain) so I dismissed it. Every once in awhile I noticed some water in the same place and just figured that it seeped under the door. So this weekend I went to Home Depot and bought a door seal so I could reseal the door and end the seepage. I won't be needing the sealer.

Last night I noticed a rather large pool of dirty water there. It had not rained. I opened the laundry room door and it was perfectly dry outside. Uh-oh. So I got down on all fours and proceed to follow a small trail of water that ended at the baseboard of the wall. The wall was leaking. I ran my hand up the wall in horror as I realized it was bubbly and mushy and WET. My first thought was, "the water fucking followed us to Utah." We already had an exterminator coming to the house today to get rid of the CARPENTER ANTS that are in my kitchen....and now this. Sleeping was difficult last night but all's well that ends well...

I woke up and called the home warranty people. Thank god for home warranties!!! The plumbers were here in an hour. They removed cabinets from the wall and cut open the sheetrock....all the way up to the ceiling. There, JUST BELOW the ceiling line, was the source of the problem. The water was coming from the kitchen sink. Had the source of the problem been just a few inches higher, the plumbers would have had to cut open the ceiling and secondary damages are NOT covered in the home warranty....like I said all's well that ends well. They replaced the pipe and remounted the cabinets in the laundry room and it only cost me $55 for the deductible.

Oh yeah - the carpenter ants are gone too.

We got our swamp cooler working!! Don't know what one is? I didn't either. Read about them here. We don't have central air here in Utah - you really don't need it because it's totally not humid. Now, you all know that I am not the average HANDYMAN so one of my employees came over today, climbed on the roof, and hooked the thing up (it's been 85 and sunny and will be all week). It's much nicer in here now!! Thanks Kelly!! Check out the clouds!

So now we are back to normal. No more ants. No more water in the house. Nice and chilly in here too. Life is good again.

The Great Outdoors

One of the great things about moving here to Utah is the outdoor life. EVERYONE is outside all the time. I'm talking 8am to 10pm on the weekends - kids EVERYWHERE. They are riding their bikes or scooters (or, with one 5 year old on our block, a motorcycle with training wheels) up and down the block and in the circle (we live in a cul-de-sac). It's amazing. Last Sunday, Elijah was riding his bike for four hours outside and was really getting the hang of it. His bike is a few years old now and is just big enough to fit him. Anyway, after coming inside for the night on Sunday, he accidentaly left the bike on the driveway. Not that big a deal around here - there is not much of a threat for it to be stolen. However, he left it ON IT'S SIDE. It was raining on Monday morning when I got in my car to leave for work and....well....you can probably guess what I didn't see behind me in the driveway...

Good thing the bike was not newer. It works out, kinda, because we are going to pick him up a scooter now to replace the bike. A lot of the kids have scooters here because it's more like snowboarding. Bikes are popular for sure, but you see more skateboards and scooters around then anything else. A good summer of "scootering" around will suit him well when the snow returns and he learns how to ski.

Deb had a productive weekend - she assembled a closet organizer in the girl's room all by herself! She was very proud! At one point, she borrowed a level from our neighbor and then needed his assistance to cut a pipe to fit in the closet, but I am giving her full credit for the job and it looks good!

We celebrated our wedding anniversary on Tuesday night by taking the kids to a restaurant here called The Mayan. It's Mexican food but the setting is in a jungle and there are cliff divers and magicians all over the place. The divers jump from about 20 feet and the kids love to watch them. There was a balloon lady and all kinds of distractions for the kids. The food was rather crappy but at least we didn't have an issue with the kids. Going to a nicer restaurant would have been a challenge. Deb and I agreed - we would save our anniversary date for when our parents come here so they can watch the kids for us.

I think I mentioned that Hannah gave up her pacifier a few weeks back. She's been sleeping great at night but, for some reason, has completely given up napping. Not good. Some of you can relate to this I'm sure - but being around a three year old who gets up at 7am and does not nap is like someone smearing wasabe on an open cut on your scrotum. It hurts.

So, as I type this, Deb is home trying to lure Hannah to her bed (or any bed for that matter). She's walking around the house with a fishing rod with fruit snacks on the hook saying, "come on girl - COME ON!!" but Hannah ain't biting. Looks like she's done napping for life.

It's 70 degrees and breezy and there is not a cloud in the sky here. It's going to be like this for the next SEVEN days. Are you jealous?

Click over to the recently completed 100 Things About Me page and contribute to the list!!

THE ZOO!!

Made our first trip to the great Utah Hogle Zoo Saturday! Check out the photo album by clicking HERE!

I'll write later in the week!

Stay Away From That New Family...

Elijah and I have always had a tradition of going to Target together on Saturdays. Back in NJ we would run some errands together just about every week and usually end up in Target for 10-15 minutes. This past Saturday, we went to the Target here in Salt Lake for the first time. This Target is maybe 3 miles from the house and it's one of those GREATLAND Targets...which means they have an entire grocery store with Salad Bar and everything. It could take 4 hours to walk through the place.

I don't know if we will ever be allowed to go back.

As soon as we get there, Elijah tells me he has to go potty so we walk in to the most vile smelling bathroom EVER. Imagine dunking your head in a vat of Jabba the Hut's doody.

"OH MY GOD - IT SMELLS SO BAD IN HERE!" said my honest boy.

"OK, Elijah, it IS a bathroom so lets go over here to the urinal and go pee pee."

"I think someone is making a POOP in here, Daddy!"

So I practically cut him off and raise my voice louder than his, which, if you know Elijah, is like shouting off the top of Mt. Rushmore. "OK sweet boy - are you done going pee pee?"

He backs off from the urinal and goes to wash his hands....but before he does, he walks up to the door of the stall and literally gets on his hands and knees to look UNDER THE DOOR. Before I could grab him, the words were already out.

"YEP!! THERE IS SOMEBODY MAKING A POOP IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

At that point, my nervousness got to me so bad that I had to poop. We were home pretty quickly after that.

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We went to our first Salt Lake Bees game today! They are the Triple A affiliate of the Angels and they play in a magnificent stadium about 15 miles from our house. It was a great day and the kids loved it. Click here to see all the pictures. I will leave you with one of my favorites...and no, the background is NOT a painting... We live in a pretty cool place...

Home

It's been so long since I posted and yet it feels like yesterday. So much is going on and every day is so busy!! Let's see if I can get you up to date...

• We are about 70% complete with our unpacking. Deb did a magnificent job in the playroom upstairs this past weekend and now all we really have, aside from decorating, is the basement. There are about 20 boxes down there. I'll post some more pics in the coming weeks.
• Sadie sits up! She's five months tomorrow and she can sit on her own for 15-20 seconds or so.
• Work is going well and my staff of three begins with me on the 17th full time. They have spent the last two weeks in Philadelphia training. We go live on the 17th!!!
• It snowed 20 inches this weekend ten miles from here and we got nothing.
• Elijah is liking school here. Today I went through his backpack and there were seven papers in there. Some were coloring pages and some were words and stories that he was to read. Every single one of them was Easter themed. One of the pictures Elijah drew was the Easter bunny delivering eggs under a rainbow. I said that we don't celebrate Easter and Elijah said they don't talk about Passover in the school. So Deb told the teacher she would love to come in and talk to the class about Passover and the teacher thought that would be a great idea. We will see if that happens. Talk about a difference!
• Elijah is also liking Sunday school at the Synagogue. We've met some nice people already from there. In fact, this Wednesday for the first Seder we are going to someone's house and then on Thursday to ANOTHER person's house. THEN, to complete the trifecta, we are going to Shabbat dinner on Friday to yet ANOTHER person's house who has a son in Elijah's Sunday school. Three free dinners in a row - AWESOME!
• The TV repairman is coming on Thursday morning to take the TV and see if he can fix it (not). Then the arguing will begin with the movers on why they should (better) replace my TV. It's all kind of messed up.
• Hannah follows Elijah around like she IDOLOZES him. She makes the sounds he makes, imitates his moves and everything. It's amazing....except when he's being bad cause then she's bad with him. Deb said the only thing she does differently than him is eat. She eats EVERYTHING. Elijah eats 5 things....6 if you count macaroni and cheese as two.
• Our cars are not here. Yes, that's correct - OUR FUCKING CARS ARE NOT HERE. Sorry - got angry for a second there. The car moving company said April 13th or possibly as late as the 17th. It sucks. Oh and by the way - its $448 per week for the minivan we are renting. Nice.
• We ate at Rich's Bagels this weekend. Besides Einstein, it's the only bagel shop we have seen. "Born and Raised in Utah" is their slogan. Not bad! A little different - they claim they use no fat or oil in the bagels. Certainly edible!
• Mom and Dad are coming for 10 days in July. Bobe and Zeide are coming for two weeks in August. Spencer and Lynne are planning a trip at the end of June. Excellent!

Some more interesting facts about our new home...

• There is no such thing as Pepper Steak here and NO Chinese restaurants here have ever heard of Chinese Pizza. This leads me to believe that Pepper Steak and Chinese Pizza are Jewish creations.
• We found Saturday Night Live!! It's on the WB at 10:30pm. COOL!!
• Nobody uses turn signals here. It's like driving behind my father ALL THE TIME.
• Still the most interesting thing about the people here is the way everyone adapts to the weather. I wrote about this before but EVERYONE is in shorts and flip-flops all the time. This past weekend I drove Elijah to Sunday school and it was 42 degrees when we left the house. Elijah reluctantly wore his sweat jacket. When we got to the Synagogue, there were tons of kids walking in with TANK TOPS and shorts on. No jackets. It was 42 degrees!!!! Parents too! Walking in with their kids in tank tops and flip-flops. So Elijah took off his jacket! So far, the kids have not worn their winter coats ONCE here. It's so different - I can't explain it. It's awesome for sure.

I am so tired now. I would write more but, to tell you the truth, I already had and lost 80% of this post to an errant key click...I had to type it all again and now I am pooped!!

Everyone have happy and healthy Pesach and I hope you all find the afikomen!

Sun, Snow, School and Snails

Time is moving along quite quickly here in what I consider to be the single most beautiful place I have ever seen inside the United States. You can never get tired of waking up and walking into the kitchen for breakfast and looking out your window at miles of snow capped mountains.

Anyway, here's an update on what's going on since my last post...

The movers were successful in moving 18,000 pounds of our stuff into the house. For the most part, everything transferred very well. However, after about two hours of moving, the crew called me outside. I knew it was not good news. Turns out our 2-year old, 57" TV was completely totaled in the move. Some doofus back home thought it would be a good idea to pack a 200 pound DESK on top of it for the 2,200 mile trip. Done. It completely SUCKS. We were so looking forward to watching some good hi-def TV after three months and now this... So....thank goodness we have the complete replacement option in the insurance for the move so we SHOULD get a new TV out of this. Of course, the company will argue that it can be fixed and we will face weeks of arguing...I'll keep you all posted. Of course, when I called to check on the claim yesterday, I was told to call back on Friday. It's starting already...

The house looked in shambles the day of the move....

There were boxes everywhere and it looked like there would be WEEKS of work to be done. However, we decided that we would work slowly and take as long as we would need. It was a good decision. Tonight, as I write this, we are about 50% completed. The kitchen was first and that took two days by itself.

Sadie ate cereal for the first time!

I started in the new office Monday and things are crazy in there setting up the office and ordering supplies and such. My first three hires flew to Philly today to begin an intensive 2.5 week training and they will start with me in the office on April 17th. THAT'S when the fun starts!

So I promised I would post a few shots of our life in the skanky hotel. Four of the most uncomfortable days of our lives.

Things were pretty tight and we didn't have much room to do much of anything...

However...while Deb and I were fighting every moment to keep composed and calm, the kids thought it was the greatest time they ever had. They got to sleep with us and eat at restaurants three meals a day. When we got back to the room at night, they kept us sane...

They stayed happy while we were cursing Mother Nature for snowing a million inches right where our truck was. They are awesome.

So, now it's Day six and we are settling in quite nicely. The weather has been absolutely stunning....except for today. It rained on and off and the mountains got over two feet of snow (or as the skiers would say, "two feet of fresh powder"). I will put some scenery photos up in the coming days.

So we all know that when it rains, the earthworms come out to say "Hi!" Tonight, as I was taking out the trash at around 7pm, I noticed about fifty of the creepy crawlers on our walkway. It was amazing - I have never seen so many worms in one place! I ran into the house to get Elijah and Hannah and they came outside to look at them with me. Two steps outside and Elijah shouts, "SNAIL!!!" and, sure enough, right there resting on a piece of carpet, was a slimy snail! I have never seen one live before. We got down real close on the carpet and I put our new digital camera to the test. Elijah named him Shelly. Isn't she cute?

I should have moved her but I decided to let her be. I just hope I don't step on Shelly when I leave for work in the morning!

There's one more picture I want to share with you. It was a few nights before we left. Our friends had some pizza for us and Lynne baked the most amazing, Utah shaped cake EVER. I leave you with this picture until next time! Good Night!!

The Walls are Closing In....

Our week continues here in beautiful, sunny Salt Lake. First, some observations from the last four days and then the continuing story of our journey here. (As a bit of a spoiler, I will let you know that the story as it now stands has us STILL here in this hellhole of a "hotel" tonight.)

So, those observations....

• Every woman is pregnant. Seriously. Every single woman, with the exception of my wife, in the state of Utah is pregnant. I've only seen one hospital. Where are they all born?
• Everyone is so sweet here it's like I am living in the movie Fargo. You walk into Einstein Bagels and the woman greets you like you are her long lost cousin. They practically HUG you here. In McDonalds, the woman at the counter actually explained to me how their store works and why their store is so different than the others in the area. Then she gave me my heart attack on a plate and wished me a great day. Incredible. (If Mom is reading this, substitute McDonalds with Salad Works).
• It's 50 degrees out and, unless you have been here, you have no idea what that feels like. People ALL OVER are wearing shorts and flip flops. SHORTS AND FLIP FLOPS!! That's just the way people live out here...in shorts and flip flops. We are not wearing jackets most of the time because, although it may be cold, it's not "chilly" if you know what I mean. It's just cold....nice, calm, dry cold. Perfect weather. My windows were open today.
• Policemen take your height and weight when they pull you over. See below for more on that.
• Finally, and this may be the most incredible thing about Utah, you never get machines when you call businesses. HUMANS ANSWER THE PHONE HERE!! I called the cable company - Comcast - the phone rang twice and a man answered, "Hello, Comcast!" Deb called the DMV - the freaking DMV!!! - and a human answered the phone and then answered all her questions WITHOUT transferring her ONCE!!!! Go figure!

We registered Elijah for Kindergarten and his first day was Wednesday. I was pulling up to the school and I noticed police lights flashing behind me. The conversation that transpired was nothing short of extraordinary (think Fargo again here for the accents...)

"Afternoon Sir, how ya doin' today?"

"Good, officer. And you?"

"Terrific! Hey listen, the reason I pulled ya on over today was 'cause you were speeding there. I had ya clocked at 37 in a 25 zone there. That's 12 miles over the speed limit there."

"Ouch"

"Hey - can I take a peek at yer license and registration please?"

(I panic....I realize I left that damn....sorry....dagum rental papers in the hotel room. In Philly I would be roughed and calling my one relative. In Utah.....)

"Gee - you know that happens all the time!! People forget those papers back in the hotel and that's OK. I'll be right back."

(he goes back to his car for about 45 seconds. The next part is what really sticks with me...)

"OK sir - I am going to issue you a written warning there sir. No fine, no points, no worries. You don't gotta show up in court for this here. Just a warning."

"Thank you officer"

"OK, sir, can I get your height please?"

"OK....6 feet"

"GREAT!! Can I get your WEIGHT PLEASE?"

(what the fuck? a policeman is asking for my weight?)

"Gee, officer, that's a LOADED question!"

(laugh - HE LAUGHS TOO!)

"Drive safe now, OK Sir? Welcome to Utah and I hope you have a great stay with us."

I wanted to get the guy's phone number and invite him and his family to dinner.

Anyway, Elijah LOVES school. He has Mrs. Carter and he's fitting in nicely after just two days.

I REALLY feel bad for the kids because we've been sleeping in this tiny room for 4 nights. Thank goodness - at 8am tomorrow the orange truck is supposed to pull up to the house and dump all my shit there. TOMORROW we will move in - 3 days behind schedule but all the stronger for it.

Just in the last 11 hours we have:

• Gotten Debbie a drivers license (I could not get mine because my social security card is on the damn truck)
• Had $376 in groceries delivered to the house by Albertsons.
• Dropped another $250 in Costco on more groceries.
• Received two awesome packages - TWO DOZEN bagels from our dear friends the Vincoffs and an amazing TREE from Aunt Helene.
• Gone to the potty 11 times and changed 3 poopie diapers.
• Gone to Smiths grocery store and bought some more odds and ends.

We are exhausted.

So....I need to post some pics for all of you!! Got some good ones already from here in our skanky hotel room.

More updates later. I need some sleep - there is a place next to Elijah on the bed waiting for me!!

Love you all!!

24 Hours We Will Never Forget

It's just after 10pm on Tuesday night and my internal clock is still not right. Everyone is sleeping and I am here typing on the laptop in our hotel room. I am not even tired, despite the fact that I slept just 4 hours last night and little the night before.

The trip out here was (still is) certainly memorable. I will try to recap to this point....

We woke up at 5am on Monday and loaded the cars. Left the house in two cars (Mom and Dad each drove) with our SEVEN pieces of checked luggage and FIVE carry-on bags perfectly on time at 6am. The security line stretched halfway to Canarsy (as Mom would say) and we made it through in about 30 minutes. The flight to Minneapolis was just perfect. The kids were wonderful and I think I dozed off for a bit. We had to walk eleven miles from terminal to terminal in Minneapolis so that we could board our Mini-Cooper aircraft to Salt Lake City. This thing sat 48 people......THIN people. We piled on and after taking BOTH kids to the potty TWICE, a man approached me (sitting with Sadie on my lap) and indicated with dread, that the window seat was his. I got up to let him in, my head brushing against the CEILING of the plane, and noticed the pain in his face. "I know what you're thinking and, you have to believe me, it won't be that bad." Trying to calm the nerves of a baby-scared airline passenger is funny and sad at the same time. I could have told him I had six bombs taped to my testicles and he would have been more at ease.

The flight to Salt Lake on the go cart was an hour late and extremely uncomfortable. The man sitting behind me was 300 pounds and smelled like he had some old shrimp lodged deep within his beard. Thank goodness Sadie pooped - it took the smell of shrimp away.

We realized something was very wrong after 20 minutes at the baggage claim yielded 4 pieces of luggage. Two car seats and Deb's massive suitcase - missing. We filed claims and Delta lent us two car seats that must have been made for sumo wrestling families. I didn't know whether to install them in a car, or take them home and bathe the kids in them. Our stroller was missing an important piece and my suitcase had a hole punched through it like someone was checking to see if I was trying to smuggle pickled herring and lox into Utah.

Alamo was a breeze. I told Deb I never had an easier time renting a car. There was a reason for that. I never did rent it at all. You see, 5 minutes into our drive to the hotel, my cell phone rang. It was the brain surgeon from Alamo telling me that I never signed my contract for the minivan I just stole from the lot and can I come back and sign them now. I was pissed at this point. I told him that I was in the middle of East Bumblecrap and could not turn around...it was his fault that he let me leave while he made google eyes at the once-in-a-lifetime blonde bombshell that was behind me and needed help learning how to start her car.

Yes, you read right - I said East Bumblecrap. If I were in ANY OTHER PLACE in the entire solar system than Utah, I would have said East Bumblefuck and probably followed that up with a "you stupid snot nosed douchebag" but, I caught myself. I live in Utah now and I have to be nice. Whatever. The rocket scientist ended up DRIVING to my hotel with my unsigned contracts so I could sign them.

The best part was yet to come. My cellphone rings. It's Joe - my moving van driver....

"Hi Mr. Borenstein. It's Joe - your moving van driver."

"Hi, Joe. How are you today?"

"Are you already in Utah? If not, can you delay your flight?"

Again, I am a Utah resident now. NO BAD WORDS. I was good. Turns out that Joe is stuck in Nebraska and Route 80 is CLOSED due to the massive snowstorm that's all over CNN. What makes it worse, is that he is just 40 miles from where the road closed. 40 miles from freedom. He "may" be delayed from Wednesday to Friday with 16,000 pounds of my shit.

I spoke to Joe again this afternoon. He's in Nebraska, the same 40 freaking miles from open road that he was 24 hours ago. In his words, he will be "lucky" to get here on Friday. OK. Deb has no clothes, I have 3 pair of underwear and the kids have a bunch of odds and ends. That's gonna be GREAT. I can't yell at Joe, though, because he sincerely feels bad.

So last night at midnight, Delta shows up here at my hotel with our stuff. Things are looking up. Today we spent hours at the house just sitting on the floor and opening all of our mail. Hannah's new Princess bedroom set arrived and our new internet phones did too (Vonage!). We planned out where all our furniture was going to go when it gets here. Then I thought about every material possession of mine being stuck on an orange truck in a blizzard in Nebraska and I got nauseous.

We have eaten six consecutive meals at various fast food joints and tonight it was a pleasure eating a shrimp spinach salad at Applebees. The kids are eating well, despite the amount of chicken nuggets. We decided to borrow some pots from the hotel tomorrow and make a dinner at our house. We bought some stuff at Target tonight to make dinner with. The BIGGEST target in the free world, I might add. It has a grocery store attached to it. An entire, fully stocked grocery store with prepared foods and a Starbucks and everything. Niiiiiice.....

We officially put the hotel on notice that we aint going anywhere for a few days so we continue to live in a one bedroom efficiency until Mother Nature stops being a bitch and opens the damn road.

I am tired all of a sudden....I think the Grande-Triple Espresso-Skim-Cinnamon Dolce Latte is wearing off. Try ordering THAT without stuttering! Good night everyone and look for updates tomorrow or Thursday. Peace.

Fun With Utah

This week has been very difficult. It's been like a Farewell Tour for us. Every night, we are dining with different family and friends. Each night ends in tearful hugs and promises of Utah visits. We still have tonight, tomorrow and Sunday to go but, at this point, we are ready to start our adventure in Salt Lake City.

I was going to post another mushy story about how wonderful our friends are. We've been having dinner with them almost all week and we are so lucky in that respect. The cake that Lynne made for us was absolutely incredible and I will post a picture here later. However, I decided to make this post a little more light hearted and share with you some of what we will be experiencing out in Utah.

YOU MIGHT BE LIVING IN UTAH IF:

Sandals are the best-selling shoes.

You have to ask for the uncensored version of "Titanic."

Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.

You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running. Then they come in fourth.

You live on Redwood Road, but there are no redwood trees, or any trees for that matter.

The local NBA team is named after the entire state instead of a city.

Schools stay open, even if two feet of snow falls overnight, but close for the opening of hunting season.

People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.

There is a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.

You go to a wedding reception where the bride isn't pregnant, but her mother is.

People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery.

In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.

Beer drinkers don't shop on Sunday.

When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks are standard.

Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.

"Temple recommends"are acceptable identification for cashing a check.

The July 4th celebration lasts 20 days.

More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.

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I've heard them all by now...

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?
A: Because thirty-six is just too many.

It goes on and on....

YES - I saw "that show on HBO" this past Sunday. It's on after the Soprano's and it's called BIG LOVE. It's about a Utah polygamist (Bill Paxton) and his life with three wives and kids, all living in three houses next to eachother. Of course, I am watching it. It's funny because in the first five minutes of the show they mention that the family lives in the Wasatch Valley. That's exactly where we are going to be living. I'll be on the lookout for Bill!

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously, she says -

Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"

Brigham Young: "I am."

I am Stuck on Band-Aid and Band-Aid's Stuck On Me

I am sitting in my bed. It's 10:54 on Monday evening and a thought just raced through my head. ONE WEEK from this very moment, every single material item my family owns, with the exception of some underwear, assorted clothes and some toiletries, will be on a truck moving at 60 miles per hour on Route 80 somewhere in western Pennsylvania on it's way to Salt Lake City, Utah. My family will be sleeping here in Cherry Hill, NJ getting ready to spend our last week as residents of this town for a LOONG time. What a strange feeling.

Part of me is just freaked out that I have a couple of days to PACK everything up in the house to get it ready for the truck. Dad brought home ten boxes from his store today to help us out. Mom cried once today; Deb twice.

With each passing day, I find myself becoming more and more ready for this move. Deb and I had a conversation today and I realized that my emotions are so different from hers and there are legitimate reasons for that. For starters, she is HERE in the house all day long. She talks to the family, spends time with the kids, etc. I am at work. Deb says it's like pulling a Band-Aid one hair at a time...you know that once it comes off it's going to feel fine....it's the getting the darn thing off that hurts like hell. When we get out there I am going to be working long hours. I will be occupied by the job and Deb will be home with the kids. It's going to be tougher for her to leave and tougher for her to adjust out there. She has been great throughout all this - really incredible, actually. I am lucky to have her. I just hope the Band-Aid comes off as smoothly as possible.

Forget UTAH for JUST a Second....

OK so we have around three weeks to go...but let's forget that just for a second. I want to take a second to plug a new project.

Just Us Dads is a new weblog I put together that will feature posts written by Dads about their experiences as a father. There are LOTS of Mommy blogs out there and just not enough Daddy ones.

I've recruited a bunch of Dads and we are going to post some things and hope to get some good discussion and feedback going. So - head on over to Just Us Dads and bookmark it!!

OK...we now return to our regularly scheduled blogging....

Follow the Snow Brick Road

From when I step foot in my office every morning until I leave around 5:30 every day, I must get 20 questions about when I am leaving for Utah. "So when are they sending you out there?" "Got a move day yet?" "When is the office finally opening?"

Next to questions about me being a Jew in Utah, it's the most common conversation subject. I should just get a t-shirt that says "Soon to be ten Jews in Utah" on the front. Up to now, I didn't know what I would put on the back. However, I can now announce for certain that the back of that t-shirt can read, "The Adventure Begins - March 20, 2006".

The other night, Deb and I were sitting around and I told her we had to finalize this thing because we needed to let the movers know and start the process of helping everyone grieve. I am half joking on that last part but the truth is that there are a lot of people saying some very touching things to us these last few weeks. I knew we would be missed but I never thought it would be like this. I won't get too mushy here but I can tell you that we are really feeling the love these days. It's nice on one hand and, of course, on the other hand it makes it more tough to go. Deb has had her crying spots and after every one she reassures me that she's excited about getting out there but the actual move it becoming more and more real. I know. It's not going to be easy but we've had lots of time to prepare and there are exciting times coming!!! So - I won't dwell on this too long. Just wanted to let everyone know that March 20 is the day.

We settle on our house tomorrow! We signed all the papers today and had them notarized. They are going to Utah by FedEx in the morning. Our first mortgage payment in four months will be due on April 1st. It's good to be a homeowner again. I've now owned more homes than my parents have in their lifetime!

It's amazing - when Deb has a sad moment and cries a little, Elijah always runs over to her and comforts her. He says everything is going to be fine. He hugs her. It's adorable. I really think he's ready for this move. He will start school immediately and karate as well. We also just got some good information on the JCC Summer Camp out there so he will spend some weeks doing that this summer. He's been wonderful about all this.

Hannah just wants to take a purple plane to Utah. Nothing else matters. Purple plane. I keep thinking about her on the Soul Plane to Utah.....

More updates coming soon. Gotta get some sleep now. Night.

WAIT!! I almost forgot....

My bud Jules from Tales From the Stirrups tagged by butt and now I have to answer these questions...

Four jobs I've had in my life:
1. Working at Dad's retail store, C&J Discount (I was the 'J'!)
2. Working for an advertising company placing ads on the sides of NJ Transit buses (Aunt Helene got me that job)
3. Bill Collector!! Three companies. Yes, I had a few alises (Paul Britton and Randy Jackson to name a few)
4. Selling gold plated jewelery business to business. The biggest waste of time EVER.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. About Last Night
2. Anchorman
3. Planes Tranes and Automobiles
4. Girls Gone Wild Volumes 1-80 (does this count as 1?)

Four places I have been on vacation (in order of favorites):
1. Carribean cruise. Ahhhh......
2. Disney! (headed back this October!)
3. Mexico
4. Israel

Four websites I visit daily:
1. MelodicRock.com
2. CNN
3. ESPN
4. Philadelphia Daily News

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Sushi of any kind
2. Beef Stroganoff
3. Deb's milanesa and pude
4. Mom's chicken soup

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. None. Right here in my bed next to Deb is just fine!
2-4. See above.

Put the Needle in the Buttocks

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to some important people who are going through an exciting but rather scary time right now. We send you lots of love and support!!

Post 100

This is the 100th post on Jawdy's Basement. I was going to write something but can't get this picture out of my mind and thought it would be a perfect way to mark the special occasion. I can't believe how my Hannah has grown up so fast....

This Little Piggie

Time is flying by so fast and so much is happening! Here's the update...

Deb, Sadie and I spent four days in Utah last week. We were on a house hunting trip. Elijah and Hannah stayed home with my parents (thanks guys!) and we took Sadie for her first flight. The flight was great - Sadie was amazing - and our first day looking at houses was very interesting. We looked at about a dozen houses all around Salt Lake City and saw some very nice potential houses. Friday morning we got back together with our realtor and went to see another house before our realtor had to go attend other business. We spent the rest of the day together and attended services at the synagogue at night. Notice I say "the synagogue"? That's because I don't need to specify which one because there really is JUST ONE. Anyway, the Rabbi knew we were coming and pointed us out in the congregation. After the service, dozens of people came to introduce themselves and we got into some great conversation. In the car back to the hotel, we made a crucial decision.

Without going into TOO much detail, it's safe to say that Salt Lake City is not the most diverse place to live. I wrote about that here. Well, after speaking with so many of the congregants at the synagogue on Friday night, it was obvious we had to live as close to the city as we could afford. We would have to sacrifice some of the things we wanted in a home so that we could live in a more diverse setting and make life easier for the kids at school and for social life in general. We decided that we would completely shift our requirements for the house and when we arrived at Remax on Saturday morning to see more houses, they were all within a few miles of the city. Well, the results on Saturday were fantastic. More details on the whole house thing in just a minute...

Trackback to Friday afternoon. We had most of the day to ourselves and planned on relaxing at the hotel and previewing more houses online before going to synagogue at 6:30. Well, sometime after 3pm or so, Sadie got fussy. Not a big deal - babies get fussy all the time. Well, Sadie has never been fussy for more than 10 or 15 minutes before. This time, she didn't stop crying. At times, her crying got severe and it was nearly impossible to console her. Deb and I traded off 5 minutes trying different things. We thought she was hungry so we tried a bottle; but Sadie only ate an ounce before crying again. We thought she had gas so we layed her on her back and pumped her legs to help her; but that only made her cry more. After she finally fell asleep for about 30 minutes, we thought we were in the clear. Not the case. Sadie woke up crying worse than before and we were close to either calling a Doctor or driving to the emergency room when Deb made a joke that turned out to be not such a joke after all!

You see, a few weeks ago a co-worker of mine came into my office and told me about the strangest emergency room visit I have ever heard. His infant daughter had somehow gotten her toe tangled up with a hair that was in her sock and the hair wrapped itself around her toe a bunch of times, cutting through the skin and becoming sort of a tourniquet. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctors had to remove the hair under magnification with a special tool. The case of this "hair tourniquet" was so rare, that other doctors in the hospital asked to watch the procedure because they never get to see such a thing. Strange, right? I told Deb about what happened that night and, although the poor little girl was fine, she could have lost her toe from the wayward hair.

Well, while we were trying the thousandth method to get Sadie to calm down, and realizing that we probably were NOT going to synagogue that night, Deb looked at me in an attempt to break the tension and said, "maybe she has a toe tourniquet." We both chuckled. Well, Deb pulled off Sadie's sock and....viola! Blood. "Oh my God. She DOES!"

Deb touched it and Sadie screamed in pain. I ran down to the front desk and borrowed a pair of scissors. Deb had a tweezer in the room. We thought we had a shot of removing it ourselves because the hair was actually wrapped around TWO toes in a figure eight formation so there was room to try and cut the hair between her toes. I held Sadie down and Deb did the operation. She removed two pieces of hair from Sadie's toe and within seconds there was silence. Success. Sadie was happy again.

The hair had broken the skin and so we treated the wound with Neosporin for a few days afterwards. We made it to synagogue and Sadie slept the entire time. Poor thing. Can you imagine what could have happened if my co-worker had not told me that story? Who ever heard of a hair tourniquet?? Apparently, it's a fairly well-known issue with babies. In any case, she's all better now and back to her happy self! Now I know why they say to wash your infant's clothes inside out!!

So back to the house thing. Saturday afternoon we saw a wonderful house that was just 3 miles from my office in the Cottonwood Heights section of Salt Lake City. It needed some updating but we felt it was a diamond in the rough. We bid on it. Last night we found out that we had successfully purchased a house in Salt Lake!




It's the most interesting layout inside that I have ever seen. I'll post more pictures later. There are FOUR levels inside and a two-level deck with a hottub in back. The views are indescribable, both from the deck and the driveway. It's on a cul-de-sac and VERY quiet! We are going to have time to update the floors and paint before we move in so it will be ready for the family in plenty of time! Settlement looks to be around February 21st and the move date sometime in March! We are close to starting our adventure!

Now if we can keep everybody's toes clean.....

I am trying out this new media service! Let me know what you all think. This is a short clip of Hannah singing her Thanksgiving Song.



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Dial 'P' for Poop

Hannah is continuing her potty training and has been remarkably resilient. She has not had a single drop of anything in her panties and she regularly asks to go potty. She's even held it in on a few occasions while we were in transit. However, she is suffering a bit with ole #2 and is not quite there yet with being able to "let go."

She says, "Daddy, I have to poopy," and I take her to the bathroom. She sits down and less than 3 seconds later, she's getting up and announcing that "the poopy is stuck." We lift her pants and leave the bathroom and then, 5 minutes later, we are back in for the same routine. Of course, she is just nervous and get scared right at the moment so she needs to get used to it. To help her transition I am trying a variety of methods in the bathroom to keep her on the seat for more than 3 seconds.

First, I bring some books and magazines. I figure that it works for me, why not her? We read some Dr. Seuss, some Dora and some Blues Clues. No go. So then I try sitting on the floor next to the toilet and telling her stories I made up about her teachers. No go. This past Saturday, we went to Toys R Us and bought her a toy cellphone that flips open and makes all kinds of sounds. Cinderella was on it so she had to have it. Well, she carries this thing around with her all the time and that includes the potty. So we are in there for the 75th time in a span of 15 minutes the other night and, in desperation, I grabbed the cellphone. I opened it up and called the poop.

"Hello, Mr. Poopie? Hi, this is Hannah's daddy. Where are you? YOU ARE?? WOW!! When are you planning on coming out??? NOW???? OK - OK - bye - lemme tell Hannah...we will see you in a coupla seconds!!"

"Hannah - the Poopie packed his bags already and he's coming out of your tushie RIGHT NOW!!! He just told me!! Are you ready?"

I hope the Poopie family has Verizon because the peak time charges would be insane.

Oh, and by the way, it didn't work. Instead my daughter thinks I am absolutely insane and she doesn't bring her phone to the potty anymore.

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All my plumbing seems to be in order!

I met with Dr. Fallick on Friday morning and he checked me out good. I scheduled my procedure for March 31st. Why so late? Well, the earliest appointment was for March 17th but there was not another appointment close enough to mine so that Spencer and I could go together. The next available spot was the 31st. I may be in Utah by then so I may have to reschedule anyway. I hope not cause then I will have to find a new Doctor out there and with all the kids running around, I am not sure what the pickins will be like!!

Speaking of Utah, we are going out there on Thursday morning for our final "tune up". Deb and I have to pick some houses and start making offers on them. We are there for 4 days and should see a bunch to choose from. The plan is to get an offer accepted and more forward ASAP. When the settlement day arrives, so shall the Borenstein family in Utah.

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Finally, there have been many requests for more pictures on the site...so I decided to open an official Kodak Gallery in our name. You can access all of our pics right here and I will add the link to the sidebar of Jawdy's Basement as well. If you see a picture you like, you can even order them directly from our site! Have fun!!!

When Poopie Has Deeper Meaning

What is the most satisfying moment of your life? Do you remember how you felt immediately after your feat? It's that euphoric rush that brings you to pump your fists, stand up and yell..

"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!"

OK, so maybe your exclamation varies from mine a little.

Point here is that last night, Hannah deposited her FIRST poopie into the pottie. It was not easy! She has been in Dora panties since Sunday morning. She just woke up on Sunday and said she didn't want diapers anymore. She had a small poopie accident at school on Monday and had not pooped since. Obviously there were some issues to be worked out there.

I remember Elijah having the same issues when he was potty trained. It was a few days before he began pooping on the pottie. For some reason, kids believe that part of their body is leaving them and they get so scared that it nearly makes them sick.

When Hannah came home from school yesterday and I heard she had not pooped for a second straight day, I knew that she was going through some of those emotions.

During dinner, she said she felt something. That set off a series of bathroom trips for the next 90 or so minutes. We would go in, Hannah would sit on the potty for 10 seconds, get freaked out and announce that "the poopy is stuck." Then she would stand there for a couple of minutes with me while I told her a story or read her a book. Then she would announce that she felt it again so it was back on the potty for 10 seconds......etc.

Finally we moved the operation upstairs to another bathroom and 10 minutes later.....

"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!!"

I screamed, Hannah screamed, Deb and Elijah and Sadie ran in the bathroom screaming. It was like we won the lottery. Afterwards I had that euphoric feeling I mentioned at the top of this post. What an accomplishment!!

Later on when Hannah was in her PJs and getting ready for bed, I gave her a hi-5 and told her we would now be known as the POOPIE PARTNERS.

I love having kids.

The Penal Code (or Is God Trying to Tell Me Something?)

I was born with a double hernia. I must have done some real heavy lifting in utero. At some point in month 5 or 6, I figure that I must have gone too far in trying to shift the placenta from one side of me to the other. Maybe I didn't bend my knees properly. Who knows. One thing is for sure and that is that my scrotum was vacant upon my birth.

At the age of 5, my parents decided it was time to fix the problem and I went for a consult and then surgery was scheduled. There would be two testicles removed from my lower abdomen and then inserted, wired and fastened within my scrotum. Two incisions in my abdomen and two in my scrotum. How many times can I use the word scrotum in one paragraph?

So, my parents decided on a surgeon they felt comfortable with. At age 5, I probably did not care at all who was doing it. I just wanted testicles. I wonder how concerned my parents were when they noticed the Doctor's name. Klutz.

That's right - Dr. Klutz was going to slice open my scrotum and connect my babymakers and insure that my parents would someday become grandparents. The surgery went well. I remember watching my meltoff stitches disappear in the bathtub. I remember that it took YEARS for the scars to disappear from my groin area. Yes, everything healed nicely. Yes, my parents were happy with the results. Yes, I was able to father children later on. BUT the fact that Dr. KLUTZ performed my double hernia surgery has always lingered in my mind. Every time I have a pain in my nether region, I panic. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I read a story about someone with testicle issues. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I look at my son's jewels and make sure everything is in place. DR. KLUTZ. It just won't go away......which is a fact that should not surprise me.......

My mom likes to tell the story of my circumcision. Rather then choose a professional Doctor who does circumcisions for a living, they decided to "hire" the butcher from the kosher deli down the street. The guy pulled up in a Harley and was weilding a machete in a sheath that went all the way down his leg. I think it was actually "Bill" from the Kill Bill movies. So, naturally the so-called Mohel says a few prayers and proceeds to slice my 1-week old johnson into pieces. Mom said the bleeding would not stop. She was afraid I was going to DIE. Imagine the guilt my poor mother must have felt. She hired a mohel who MURDERED her firstborn by severing blood vessels in his unprotected PENIS. 20/20 would have loved that story.

OK OK OK...so I embellished a little. Maybe it wasn't the butcher from down the street....and maybe there was no machete....but it felt like it! It IS true that my mother was scared for my life. The bleeding would not stop and my little weewee got infected. True story!! SO maybe it made complete sense that, when it came time to fix my hernia, the Doctor that was chosen was named Klutz.

Fast forward 32 years or so. Now, finally confident that my boys have done their job, I've decided to submit them to the ultimate sacrifice......DEATH. On January 27th, I will be in a urologist's office for a consultation. During that meeting, a date will be set for the ceremonial severing of my beloved vasa deferentia. In English - I am getting my nuts snipped.

It was hard to accept that this was going to happen at first. I was extremely happy and grateful for Dr. Klutz when my testes didn't run back the other way when the word vasectomy was first uttered. He must have done a good job closing the road to ball traffic because if there ever was a time for them guys to turn around and go back.....it was at that moment. However, now it has become very clear that if I want to have any evidence of an enjoyable sex life WITHOUT the possibility of more Borensteins, that I need to go through the simple process of getting my scrotum sliced open, vas deferens yanked out and CLIPPED, and then having them cauterized with a welding gun. Well, you don't have to believe MY description. Here is the exact description directly from the urologist's website:

The patient is given a local anesthetic to the scrotal area.
The surgeon will make 1 to 2 small incisions on either side of the scrotum and
pull the vasa deferentia through these incisions. The vasa deferentia are
severed and either tied or cauterized then secured with a suture or surgical
clamp.

They just make it sound so wonderful, don't they? I especially like the part about sutures and surgical clamps. Yeah - THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

But, I mean, it's not like I have not BEEN THERE before! I was BORN with that double hernia people!! Dr. Hannibal Lechter nearly turned me into John Wayne Bobbitt as a one-week old and then Dr. Klutz juggled my testicles OUTSIDE OF MY BODY before using twisties to put them back in place. To this day I have no idea if he accidentally DROPPED ONE. I mean, if he did drop one on the operating room floor, what would the nurses say? "You are such a Klutz, Doctor."??????????????

So what's the point? Well, it seems almost comical or ironic OR both.....however, again, not at all surprising when I discovered the name of the Doctor who will be sterilizing me for good next month. His name is Dr. Mark L. Fallick. Go figure.....a urologist named Fallick. Is that WRONG?

My first question to Dr. Fallick will be, "Why did you get into urology? Was it because your friends RODE you throughout your entire childhood and this is your way of getting back at them?" HA HA!!! Look at me!!! I am a urologist and my name is FALLICK!!!! Showed you all!

I wonder if Dr. Fallick knows Dr. Lechter or Dr. Klutz? Maybe they all attend the SAME SUPPORT GROUP. Either way, I hope this story ends with the simple sutures and clamps that all good stories end with. I just hope that Dr. Fallick does not look at my junk and say, "Hmmm..that looks like the work of Dr. Klutz." I can guarantee that if that happens, my boys will be running the other way faster than the Roadrunner trying to lose Wile E. Coyote.

Come to think of it.....haven't my boys been through ENOUGH procedures already? Soon they will be compared to Michael Jackson's face....and you know what they say about his nose, right?

I AM GOING TO HAVE A LEE PRESS-ON PENIS!!!!!!!

I need some frozen peas.....