I am trying out this new media service! Let me know what you all think. This is a short clip of Hannah singing her Thanksgiving Song.



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Dial 'P' for Poop

Hannah is continuing her potty training and has been remarkably resilient. She has not had a single drop of anything in her panties and she regularly asks to go potty. She's even held it in on a few occasions while we were in transit. However, she is suffering a bit with ole #2 and is not quite there yet with being able to "let go."

She says, "Daddy, I have to poopy," and I take her to the bathroom. She sits down and less than 3 seconds later, she's getting up and announcing that "the poopy is stuck." We lift her pants and leave the bathroom and then, 5 minutes later, we are back in for the same routine. Of course, she is just nervous and get scared right at the moment so she needs to get used to it. To help her transition I am trying a variety of methods in the bathroom to keep her on the seat for more than 3 seconds.

First, I bring some books and magazines. I figure that it works for me, why not her? We read some Dr. Seuss, some Dora and some Blues Clues. No go. So then I try sitting on the floor next to the toilet and telling her stories I made up about her teachers. No go. This past Saturday, we went to Toys R Us and bought her a toy cellphone that flips open and makes all kinds of sounds. Cinderella was on it so she had to have it. Well, she carries this thing around with her all the time and that includes the potty. So we are in there for the 75th time in a span of 15 minutes the other night and, in desperation, I grabbed the cellphone. I opened it up and called the poop.

"Hello, Mr. Poopie? Hi, this is Hannah's daddy. Where are you? YOU ARE?? WOW!! When are you planning on coming out??? NOW???? OK - OK - bye - lemme tell Hannah...we will see you in a coupla seconds!!"

"Hannah - the Poopie packed his bags already and he's coming out of your tushie RIGHT NOW!!! He just told me!! Are you ready?"

I hope the Poopie family has Verizon because the peak time charges would be insane.

Oh, and by the way, it didn't work. Instead my daughter thinks I am absolutely insane and she doesn't bring her phone to the potty anymore.

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All my plumbing seems to be in order!

I met with Dr. Fallick on Friday morning and he checked me out good. I scheduled my procedure for March 31st. Why so late? Well, the earliest appointment was for March 17th but there was not another appointment close enough to mine so that Spencer and I could go together. The next available spot was the 31st. I may be in Utah by then so I may have to reschedule anyway. I hope not cause then I will have to find a new Doctor out there and with all the kids running around, I am not sure what the pickins will be like!!

Speaking of Utah, we are going out there on Thursday morning for our final "tune up". Deb and I have to pick some houses and start making offers on them. We are there for 4 days and should see a bunch to choose from. The plan is to get an offer accepted and more forward ASAP. When the settlement day arrives, so shall the Borenstein family in Utah.

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Finally, there have been many requests for more pictures on the site...so I decided to open an official Kodak Gallery in our name. You can access all of our pics right here and I will add the link to the sidebar of Jawdy's Basement as well. If you see a picture you like, you can even order them directly from our site! Have fun!!!

When Poopie Has Deeper Meaning

What is the most satisfying moment of your life? Do you remember how you felt immediately after your feat? It's that euphoric rush that brings you to pump your fists, stand up and yell..

"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!"

OK, so maybe your exclamation varies from mine a little.

Point here is that last night, Hannah deposited her FIRST poopie into the pottie. It was not easy! She has been in Dora panties since Sunday morning. She just woke up on Sunday and said she didn't want diapers anymore. She had a small poopie accident at school on Monday and had not pooped since. Obviously there were some issues to be worked out there.

I remember Elijah having the same issues when he was potty trained. It was a few days before he began pooping on the pottie. For some reason, kids believe that part of their body is leaving them and they get so scared that it nearly makes them sick.

When Hannah came home from school yesterday and I heard she had not pooped for a second straight day, I knew that she was going through some of those emotions.

During dinner, she said she felt something. That set off a series of bathroom trips for the next 90 or so minutes. We would go in, Hannah would sit on the potty for 10 seconds, get freaked out and announce that "the poopy is stuck." Then she would stand there for a couple of minutes with me while I told her a story or read her a book. Then she would announce that she felt it again so it was back on the potty for 10 seconds......etc.

Finally we moved the operation upstairs to another bathroom and 10 minutes later.....

"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!!"

I screamed, Hannah screamed, Deb and Elijah and Sadie ran in the bathroom screaming. It was like we won the lottery. Afterwards I had that euphoric feeling I mentioned at the top of this post. What an accomplishment!!

Later on when Hannah was in her PJs and getting ready for bed, I gave her a hi-5 and told her we would now be known as the POOPIE PARTNERS.

I love having kids.

The Penal Code (or Is God Trying to Tell Me Something?)

I was born with a double hernia. I must have done some real heavy lifting in utero. At some point in month 5 or 6, I figure that I must have gone too far in trying to shift the placenta from one side of me to the other. Maybe I didn't bend my knees properly. Who knows. One thing is for sure and that is that my scrotum was vacant upon my birth.

At the age of 5, my parents decided it was time to fix the problem and I went for a consult and then surgery was scheduled. There would be two testicles removed from my lower abdomen and then inserted, wired and fastened within my scrotum. Two incisions in my abdomen and two in my scrotum. How many times can I use the word scrotum in one paragraph?

So, my parents decided on a surgeon they felt comfortable with. At age 5, I probably did not care at all who was doing it. I just wanted testicles. I wonder how concerned my parents were when they noticed the Doctor's name. Klutz.

That's right - Dr. Klutz was going to slice open my scrotum and connect my babymakers and insure that my parents would someday become grandparents. The surgery went well. I remember watching my meltoff stitches disappear in the bathtub. I remember that it took YEARS for the scars to disappear from my groin area. Yes, everything healed nicely. Yes, my parents were happy with the results. Yes, I was able to father children later on. BUT the fact that Dr. KLUTZ performed my double hernia surgery has always lingered in my mind. Every time I have a pain in my nether region, I panic. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I read a story about someone with testicle issues. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I look at my son's jewels and make sure everything is in place. DR. KLUTZ. It just won't go away......which is a fact that should not surprise me.......

My mom likes to tell the story of my circumcision. Rather then choose a professional Doctor who does circumcisions for a living, they decided to "hire" the butcher from the kosher deli down the street. The guy pulled up in a Harley and was weilding a machete in a sheath that went all the way down his leg. I think it was actually "Bill" from the Kill Bill movies. So, naturally the so-called Mohel says a few prayers and proceeds to slice my 1-week old johnson into pieces. Mom said the bleeding would not stop. She was afraid I was going to DIE. Imagine the guilt my poor mother must have felt. She hired a mohel who MURDERED her firstborn by severing blood vessels in his unprotected PENIS. 20/20 would have loved that story.

OK OK OK...so I embellished a little. Maybe it wasn't the butcher from down the street....and maybe there was no machete....but it felt like it! It IS true that my mother was scared for my life. The bleeding would not stop and my little weewee got infected. True story!! SO maybe it made complete sense that, when it came time to fix my hernia, the Doctor that was chosen was named Klutz.

Fast forward 32 years or so. Now, finally confident that my boys have done their job, I've decided to submit them to the ultimate sacrifice......DEATH. On January 27th, I will be in a urologist's office for a consultation. During that meeting, a date will be set for the ceremonial severing of my beloved vasa deferentia. In English - I am getting my nuts snipped.

It was hard to accept that this was going to happen at first. I was extremely happy and grateful for Dr. Klutz when my testes didn't run back the other way when the word vasectomy was first uttered. He must have done a good job closing the road to ball traffic because if there ever was a time for them guys to turn around and go back.....it was at that moment. However, now it has become very clear that if I want to have any evidence of an enjoyable sex life WITHOUT the possibility of more Borensteins, that I need to go through the simple process of getting my scrotum sliced open, vas deferens yanked out and CLIPPED, and then having them cauterized with a welding gun. Well, you don't have to believe MY description. Here is the exact description directly from the urologist's website:

The patient is given a local anesthetic to the scrotal area.
The surgeon will make 1 to 2 small incisions on either side of the scrotum and
pull the vasa deferentia through these incisions. The vasa deferentia are
severed and either tied or cauterized then secured with a suture or surgical
clamp.

They just make it sound so wonderful, don't they? I especially like the part about sutures and surgical clamps. Yeah - THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

But, I mean, it's not like I have not BEEN THERE before! I was BORN with that double hernia people!! Dr. Hannibal Lechter nearly turned me into John Wayne Bobbitt as a one-week old and then Dr. Klutz juggled my testicles OUTSIDE OF MY BODY before using twisties to put them back in place. To this day I have no idea if he accidentally DROPPED ONE. I mean, if he did drop one on the operating room floor, what would the nurses say? "You are such a Klutz, Doctor."??????????????

So what's the point? Well, it seems almost comical or ironic OR both.....however, again, not at all surprising when I discovered the name of the Doctor who will be sterilizing me for good next month. His name is Dr. Mark L. Fallick. Go figure.....a urologist named Fallick. Is that WRONG?

My first question to Dr. Fallick will be, "Why did you get into urology? Was it because your friends RODE you throughout your entire childhood and this is your way of getting back at them?" HA HA!!! Look at me!!! I am a urologist and my name is FALLICK!!!! Showed you all!

I wonder if Dr. Fallick knows Dr. Lechter or Dr. Klutz? Maybe they all attend the SAME SUPPORT GROUP. Either way, I hope this story ends with the simple sutures and clamps that all good stories end with. I just hope that Dr. Fallick does not look at my junk and say, "Hmmm..that looks like the work of Dr. Klutz." I can guarantee that if that happens, my boys will be running the other way faster than the Roadrunner trying to lose Wile E. Coyote.

Come to think of it.....haven't my boys been through ENOUGH procedures already? Soon they will be compared to Michael Jackson's face....and you know what they say about his nose, right?

I AM GOING TO HAVE A LEE PRESS-ON PENIS!!!!!!!

I need some frozen peas.....