Isabel Skye




Congrats to Deb's sister Amy and her hubby Brett on the arrival of their first child, Isabel Skye! Amy was in labor for about a month and told me this morning she can't wait to do it again. Actually it was about 4 days but when you are in labor, a day is equal to a week....

Congrats guys!!!!

Lucky Seven

Today is Elijah's seventh birthday. I am not going to delve into all of reasons why this is incredible to me. I won't talk about how old I feel or how time flies or any of that. In fact, all you have to do is re-read that first sentence over a few times and get the same effect that I got. Nausea. Today, we celebrate the anniversary of our becoming parents. It's pretty amazing, really. I cannot remember much about life as a couple before Elijah came along. It's as if we were brought together to be parents. Wow, that's deep... It's true, though. I've learned more in the last seven years than I did in the previous 32 years combined. Our lives became enriched when Elijah arrived. Our purpose was established and we began this unpredictable journey of adventure known as parenthood.

It's amazing how parenting became a little easier with Hannah and then Sadie. We knew what to do. We knew what to expect. We were able to diffuse situations before they happened because we had been through it already with Elijah. Sometimes I feel bad because Elijah is still the one going through everything first. We are still going to take all of the mistakes we make with him and correct them for Hannah and Sadie. He's never going to be able to benefit from our experience as parents. Kinda sad, in a way. However, on the flip side, we've made many good decisions with him so it seems we have not made all THAT many mistakes! :-) Props to us!

These days, Elijah is going through testing for placement next year in school. He's had to take tests on the last two Saturday afternoons for that. With every passing day, he gets more and more logic infused in his behavior. He tests us daily. It seems he is jockeying for position with his sisters and it's a struggle for him every single day. We feel for him. Although we scold him for bad behavior (sometimes daily), we feel terrible about it because we know he is learning his way in the world too and it's hard for him. In many ways, we are learning together with him.

Perhaps the best part of this seventh birthday was the surprise visit from Abuela! She arrived on Friday afternoon. Deb picked her up at the airport with Hannah. Deb told Hannah that they were at the airport to pick up a package for Elijah's birthday. Hannah told Deb that "the airport was to pick up people, not packages!" Deb explained that some packages are just too big for the mail and need to be picked up at the airport. Just then, Abuela walks up to them and Hannah saw her. Her very first sentence was, "Hi Abuela! We are waiting for a package to come for Elijah!" So damn cute.

Elijah's reaction was similar. I picked him up from school and drove him to the house, where Abuela was waiting. I had him knock on the door and Abuela answered. Elijah shouted, "Abuela!! Guess what - I BEAT the Playstation game that you bought me last time!! Wanna see it?" He was freaked out for sure.

So Abuela has been here all weekend and she is leaving tonight. We had Elijah's birthday dinner last night at The Mayan and had a great time. Elijah opened some gifts and got Star Wars Lego II for his Game Boy from Abuela and Grandpa. He's seriously psyched. So is Deb because she gets to play it when he goes to sleep. He also got this really cool pentop computer called the FLY from Bobe and Zeide which actually has a brain in it. You touch the pen on things and it tells you facts about the object. It scares me. There's all sorts of cool software out there for it and it's a PEN!! Very cool.

Elijah's party is next Saturday at the Dojo. He gets to cut his cake with a real Samurai Sword!

So Happy Birthday Elijah, Lij-ee, Scooby, Scrubby, Scrub the Deck, Scoobishvat, Lijah-Lo-Von-Bankie, etc. We love you and look forward to learning with you for many years to come.

Sadie is One!

Happy birthday Sadie!!! I can't believe you are one already! We had a quiet celebration in our kitchen. Elijah and Hannah gave her gifts and she mutilated a cupcake afterwards.

DISNEY 2006!

Breathe. We are back. All of us! Back in our house in beautiful, crispy Utah! Our week at Disney with the Turers was fantastic. We park-hopped for five days and then spent day six lounging at the pool and coming down off the high of the week. When I say park-hopped - I mean it! We walked Magic Kingdom, Epcot Center, MGM Studios and Downtown Disney from 10am to 10pm every day. We decided to skip Animal Kingdom because it was just too much at the end of the trip.

Some highlights....

Sadie rode her 1st ever ride! She rose the Carousel and loved it!!

Hannah got to meet all of her hero Princesses like Cinderella and Snow White when we had lunch at Cinderella's castle on Monday. On Tuesday, she went to the Bippity Boppity Boutique in Downtown Disney with Sydney and they had their hair and makeup done for Halloween. The pictures do not do it justice. It was weird for me because every time I looked at her on the chair getting made-up, I could not help but think about her on her wedding day doing the same thing. Strange, I know...but it was good for a misty moment or two. Is she the most beautiful little girl in the world, or what?

Elijah nealy short-circuited when he got to ride the Star Tours attraction at MGM Studios (he did it four times!) and then got to meet DARTH VADER himself! Tuesday the kids dressed up for Halloween and looked awesome in their costumes. We walked the Magic Kingdom and collected about ten pounds of candy. Elijah was especially in his element, stopping every time he saw another kid with a light saber to duel them.

We all had a great time at the Hoop*Dee*Doo Review. It's a show and BBQ out on the Disney campground and we ate and drank to our heart's content. Spencer got noticed by the cast for his uncanny ability to TOOT TOOT during the show and yours truly was selected and brought backstage to be the STAR of the show. I had to dress as Davey Crockett's Angel and donned fairy wings, halo and short skirt for my 30 seconds of fame. The sold-out crowd was quite impressed and Deb got some fantastic video, although there are no stills of the event (yet). Spencer may have some from his camera. If he does, I will post them here for the world to see.

Epcot is my personal favorite with all of the countries. It was Food and Wine Week so there were over 25 kiosks around the loop with food from different countries. We had Sushi in Japan, Brats in Germany, Shrimp on the Barbie from Austrailia, and dumplings in China. That was a great night.

The attractions at the parks are as great as ever. We loved the Nemo attraction at Epcot.

A great time was had by all. You can see all 230+ pictures I took here. I will be posting a video or two here if I can get them to work. We are all still tired from the trip and kids are still catching up on their sleep. We always have a great time with Spencer, Lynne, Sydney and Sophia and this was a classic week. Great memories...

Sadie turns ONE on Saturday!!! We have a birthday party for Hannah's friend Addie and then we will have a small party of our own. Pictures to follow!!

Abuela

Wow. Almost a month between posts! I've not been ignoring you - I just cannot believe how time has flown this month!! Tomorrow, at this time, Deb and the girls will be on the plane to New Jersey. I can't believe it's time already!!

Deb will be in New Jersey for nearly a week before Elijah and I go there. Amy's shower is Saturday so she will get to be there for that. She's also going to meet MICK before me!!! Unfortunately, it looks like Mick won't be released home before our trip there, which means the kids will not get to meet him. That sucks. However, he is doing progressively better and will probably be home shortly after we depart.

Elijah and I get to NJ on the afternoon of the 26th. Friday, the 27th is my one day to see everyone before services on Friday night for Lauren's Bat-Mitzvah. Saturday is the event and then Sunday afternoon we are leaving with The Turers for a week at Disney World!! FINALLY a vacation!! I can't want for Hannah to see Disney for the first time. Elijah was there when he was two and, although he remembers a lot, he was sleeping in his stroller for much of it. This trip is going to be very special!

Mom was here for nine days and it was wonderful. She took care of the kids, did the laundry, made dinner every night and slept between Elijah and Hannah every night in a queen sized bed. The two of them had trouble falling asleep on the first night after she left. Everytime the kids spend time with Abuela, Hannah tries new foods. Last week she tried avocado, cooked beets, eggplant, and kiwi fruit. Loved them all. I can't wait to buy her more kiwi. She's cuter than EVER these days with her hair up.

Elijah is gearing up for his big day this Saturday!!! He is testing for a belt promotion at his Karate school. The test is at 9am and he's been practicing for it. Deb and the girls will be in NJ for the big event but it will be BOYS DAY and we will celebrate afterwards! He's been practicing outside lately. The weather has been great and the mountains have snowcaps now so it makes for a cool makeshift dojo.

Sadie. Oh my little Sadie. Mom had a good time bathing her in the sink all week. She's really getting bigger and her personality is really coming out now. She is going to be ONE on November 11th! She's giving up on the baby food now and eats whatever we eat along with her four bottles a day. She's so cute and cuddly and she's ALWAYS smiling as big as this...

It's nice to have Mom in town. Most of you will say, "yeah, of course it is because she does your laundry, watches the kids and makes dinner." True. I will admit that is true. However, it's nice to see her too. It's hard living so close to your Mom all the time. I think it's healthy to live far away sometimes because it makes together time better and more meaningful. Deb and I were just as excited as the kids while we waited for her plane to land and we were just as sad as the kids when she left.

Mom cleaned all the dirty Sadie diapers while she was here. THAT was nice, for sure. However, she left a few days early...

Yesterday, Hannah was in the bathroom downstairs while we were fixing dinner in the kitchen. I heard her call me from the bathroom. She usually calls me when she poops so I can help her when she's done. Anyway, I heard her call and asked Deb, "What did she say?" We stopped what we were doing and she called again from downstairs and, this time, it was quite clear.

"Daddy! I have poop on my toe!"

So I put down the pizza bagels I was about to cook and walked downstairs. The whole 15 seconds it took me to get there I was thinking, "poop on her TOE? WTF?" I arrived at the toilet and Hannah was sitting there like normal. There was poop in the toilet and she looked perfectly OK...except for the dollop of poop resting right on the top of her third toe. Her panties were spotless, the floor was spotless, the toilet seat was spotless, her hands were spotless. OK. So I clean her up and put her panties on.

"Hannah, how did you get a dollop of poop on your third toe?"

"What's a wallop?"

Mystery unsolved.

Sometimes kids just get stuff in places that no other human beings can get to. It's just that simple.

Where was Mom when I needed her then? Mom would have doused Hannah in formaldehyde, scrubbed the bathroom with Comet, opened all the windows to get the germs out, and had the family evacuated to a shelter for the night. I just wiped the poop off with some toilet paper.

Lot's more new pics are up!! Click here to see them!!!

Hannah Leora

Dear Hannahle,

Since you turned three years old in May, I have noticed such beautiful changes in you that I find myself getting goose bumps just thinking about you lately.

You have become one of the sweetest, most caring and wonderful people I have ever known; and I can’t imagine how much more wonderful you will become once you start to understand how your sweetness affects others.

When I had my little operation this summer, you came to me every single day for a month and asked me how my boo-boo was. It wasn’t just that you asked, but it was the way you asked. You put your hand on my knee, looked in my eyes and asked me in the sweetest voice I have ever heard.

Most of our days end with me putting you in your bed. You don’t let anyone else do it if I am there. You always ask me to pick you up and carry you to your bed so I can protect your feet from the “hot lava.” When we get to your room, you always ask me what kind of tea I want and then pretend to fix it in your toy blue cup with “just a little honey, just like you like it.” You are so genuine that I can almost taste real tea when I bring the cup to my mouth. When I “drink” my tea, your eyes never leave the cup so you can see if I approve of the taste of my tea.

Sometimes, on the weekends, you take my order and prepare me my favorite pancakes with just a little syrup for dipping. Sometimes you share my syrup with me. I love that.

Every night at dinner, you always want to eat exactly what I am eating. When I eat a potato and you taste it, you say we are “potato partners.” When I eat corn and you taste it, you say we are “corn cousins.” When we eat tomatoes, you say we are “tomato twins.” You don’t always like what I eat for dinner but you always want to taste it. You are adventurous and eager to try all of the new things you come across in the course of your day.

Just about every day when I get home, you come running full steam towards me screaming, “DADDY!!!” and leap into my arms. As soon as I hug you, you ask how my day was. The best part of that for me is that you actually listen when I answer you. If I say, “bad”, you ask me why it was bad. When I say, “good”, you ask me why it was good, even though you already know the answer. It’s because I get to come home to a hug from you! You love hearing me say that and I can see how your eyes light up when I say that night after night.

The love and affection you show to your brother and sister are amazing. When Elijah comes home from karate, you always ask him how his karate class was. The other day, you begged me to take you with me to pick him up from his class. Together, we watched as he finished his moves and when he was done, you turned to me and said, “I am so proud of ‘Lijah!” You always help Sadie with her “tete” and blankie and you are gentle and compassionate towards her. You love how she wears your old clothes and can’t wait for her to be able to play with your Dora House with you. I know this because I hear you talking to her when you don’t know I am there.

Sometimes I just wish I could stop time and savor every moment just a little bit more. When I am peeking in at you playing in your room with Sadie, I always picture you ten, fifteen, twenty years later doing the same thing….

The other day when you were sitting on my lap watching TV, I asked you if it was OK if you ALWAYS sat on my lap forever. You said, “of course, Daddy, I’m your girl.” You didn’t see my face but I had a tear running down my cheek. You are right, you are my girl. And I am proud to be your Daddy.

I love you very, very much.

Love, Daddy

You are the wind at my back
You give what I lack
You're the jewel in my hand
You're like rain on dry land

You're the focus the beam
You're realities dream
You're the blue in my black
You're the wind at my back

And my soul has been kissed
Just because you exist
You're the dream that's a fact
You're the wind at my back

Mick and Mouse

It's weird how things manifest themselves in your life. Strange thing happened in my office this week. We discovered a mouse. All this week, we have been missing our family desperately because of our new cousin and newphew Mick. Everyone has met him and touched him except for us and it's hard being out here. Maybe it's Mick's way of saying he knows we are here and can't wait to meet him. In the 16 years I have been working in an office, I have never once seen a mouse. There he was yesterday, chomping on some scraps of food on the floor and scampering away when he was seen. Weird? The building management set traps last night but the mouse is still on the loose. I feel funny calling him Mickey Mouse but, for some reason, every time I think of the Mouse, I think of Mick. Maybe that was planned.

Mick is doing well. His IV is out and he is growing nicely. Candice gets to hold him every day and Scottie too. It's all good. He should be home in plenty of time for us to meet him when we go to NJ in late October!

Happy Anniversary Ma and Pop Borenstein!!!! Married 41 years TODAY!!!!

WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!

The Miracle (x2)

Most of you know that my sister and her husband have been expecting their first child this November. Most of you also know the process they had to endure to get to this point. A certain subtle post I made earlier this year alluded to this situation. In any case, all was progressing well with the pregnancy and the only sad part was that Deb and the kids and I would not be able to see "Nugget" for awhile because our visit to NJ in October would probably be weeks before the birth. We were making plans for visits in early 2007 to meet my future neice or nephew.

This past Saturday, we were visiting a couple at their home for Shabbat lunch. This couple keeps a kosher house and shomer shabbat. Shomer shabbat means no phone usage, no turning on electric items, no driving, etc. Of course, as soon as we arrived my cellphone rang. I decided to be respectful and not answer it. I knew it was Mom because she has a special ringtone with her voice programmed into my phone. "Hello my handsome son. This is your mother calling. PICK IT UP!!" I heard the voicemail signal beep so I figured I would respond later, after we left. Not sixty seconds later, the phone rang again with her voice. She would not call twice in a row unless something was wrong. I asked permission from the hosts and they urged me to answer it. Mom was crying. Candice was in the hospital with extremely high blood pressure (200 over 150 or something, she said) and the doctors have to take the baby by C-section immediately.

Candice had severe headaches that morning and was seeing spots. She was swollen and having mini-contractions. Scottie rushed her to the hospital. The doctor knew pretty quickly that she was suffering from preeclampsia. She was in the OR within two hours and gave birth to a 2lb, 9 oz baby boy around 5pm EST on Saturday. The baby was rushed to ICU and given IV's between his little fingers and a tube to help breathing. Candice was quite out of it for awhile while the doctors worked to bring her blood pressure down. It took over a day to do this.

The doctors said that the baby may get worse before he gets better and to fully expect this. Plenty of babies born nine weeks premature end up perfectly fine. The first few nights were scary for everyone. The baby needed some help on occasion with breathing but as of my last report earlier today, is breathing fine. He developed some jaundice last night but was in good shape today. Thank god. The prognisis is good and within six weeks or so, my new nephew will come home. Candice is being discharged tomorrow and will have to travel to the hospital every day to deliver colostrum for the baby. They give it to him through his IV.

I'll have more updates here as they come in. For now, it's yet another example of the Miracle of Birth.

Mick Hadar Goldstein, born September 2, 2006

It's a Female Dog

Today is Elijah's second day of his new life as a first grader. Yesterday was described by him as "the best day EVER" so it's been going well so far.

Most of you know by now from reading the blog for years, that he and I have a ritual each night. I lay in his bed with him for 30 or so minutes and we talk about everything from the latest transformer toys to the solar system. By the way, try explaining to your six year old why Pluto is not a planet anymore. I just told him it was demoted for non-performance.

Anyway, this past Sunday during our "laydown time" as he calls it, Elijah asked me a startling question.

"Daddy, what's a bitch?"

"It's what you call your new 1st grade teacher when she mouths off to you about your poor performance on the pop quiz she had no right giving you the day before."

Blogger does not let you put a thought cloud around quotes yet....if they did, there would be one around the quote above. Don't freak on me.

"One of the kids at the Montessori School used to say bitch all the time. What does that mean? Is bitch a bad word? Do we say bitch in the house? When is a good time to say bitch?"

I emphasize the 'b' in bitch because that's how he was saying it. It was almost like he was rubbing the word in my face over and over again.

"Bitch is a bad word, Elijah. We don't say that word around the house ever. You also don't say it outside of the house. It's the same level as asshole, jerkoff, dicknose, douchebag, fartknocker, scumbag and a host of other words we never say."

"What were those other ones, dad?"

"Get a pen."

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Hannah recently told me what she wants to do when she's "growed up." I was so proud. She wants to be a pancake maker.

I briefly considered taking her out of the 3 year old class at the Montessori School right then. She does not need a day more of schooling! I think you can apply for a degree in pancake making after registering for preschool. The pancake industry only needs to see that you enrolled in preschool and you are in. Think of the money we will save!!

She actually made me pancakes last weekend and they were fantastic! Much better than the pancake maker at IHOP here in Salt Lake. She could take that person's job TODAY!!

Thing is, what is the mecca job for pancake makers? I mean, you start mopping the pancake batter at Denny's, then get promoted to Director of Pancake Making there. Then maybe a headhunter gets you interviews at Marie Callanders and IHOP. Maybe you take a Junior Directorship at IHOP for a few years and get your certification. Then what? At least you have initials next to your name, Hannah Borenstein CPM. Maybe she will invent a NEW pancake or revolutionize the whole pancake industry. Hmmmm....HannahCakes! Her ticket is secure!!

From 1st Grade to College (Without Passing GO)

This is the title of my latest post over at DadBloggers.

Check it out!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

We just completed hosting Deb's parents for ten days. My father-in-law (Bochi) is an avid fan of planes and trains so many of our activities around town centered around them. We visited the Hill Airforce Base, Union Station and the Heber Railroad. We rode a steam train through the hills of Heber and Deb had her picture taken in front of her favorite airplane, the SR-71. You can see all of the pictures from the visit on the gallery link to the right. It was a nice visit featuring TONS of eating. I think I gained 7 pounds! We had Deb's birthday dinner at Tango Grille downtown, an Argentine restaurant featuring MEAT. Lots of MEAT. We ate at Loco Lizards, iHop, Ruby Tuesday, Iggys and had several fantastic home-cooked meals of my favorite Argentine dishes, Milanesa and a pierogi and meat dish called Charkoye, which I cannot find ANYWHERE on the internet. Yum!!

So what's new with the kiddies? Hannah has become pure joy. She wears her intense emotions and love on her sleeve and sometimes you can even see it surrounding her....like in this picture. She is so sweet I can't stand it. I spend a lot of time squeezing her. She is liking the Montessori School and we are moving her to a program that is more suitable for her in September at a place called Buttons & Bows.

Elijah is starting 1st grade in TWO WEEKS!! I can't wait to write about that! He's been anxious about it but he gets comfort knowing that some of the kids from kindergarten will be there with him. Poor guy has been through so much change in the last six months. He's still all love though. He protects his little sister like she's a rare gem. He's my boy.

The big news around the house this week concerns #3! Sadie is crawling all over the place. It's not safe anymore!! She's fast and ACTIVE. Her checkup went great, she's growing at least two teeth and she's MOBILE.

I will work on posting some video of her crawling soon.

All else is well here in Utah! Our next visitor is in early September for a night or two and then Aunt Rockie comes for Rosh Hashana!!

And for those who are concerned....my "boys" have recovered quite well....

More from Jawdy...

For those of you who say I should post more often - I have been! Just not necessarily here. I've been contributing to another blog called DadBloggers for six months. I write once a month there along with 25 or so other Dads. The site has been getting some good momentum and is being featured this week in the local newspaper in North Carolina, where it's based (the Charlotte Observer). I'll post the article link here when I get it. Anyway - go check it out - my most recent post about my vasectomy "A Stitch in Time" was published just yesterday.

DadBloggers

Yank, Snip, Sear

A man comes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I want a vasectomy." The doctor says, "Well, that's a big decision; have you discussed this with your family?" And he replies, "Yes, and they're in favor, 11 to 3."

So here I am at my office on a Monday. It's not like any other Monday in my office before, though. No - this is the very first Monday I have reported to work sterile. I limped in today with that grin on my face that says, "my scrotum was violated three days ago and I am LOVING LIFE!"

I had arrived at the Doctor's office happy and sad. Happy that I would finally take care of this and sad because I was about to intrude into the lives of two of my very best friends. I mean, there they are, never bothered anybody or anything. They spent their lives servicing me and tending to my needs. They never complained, never bitched about their living conditions, never spoke up about tight undies or hot car seats. They just did their jobs. Now, here I was, making a life changing decision for them without even bothering to ask. Well, that's not entirely true. While shaving the night before, I did mention a little apology and tried to prepare them for the trauma that was ahead.

The Doctor was terrific. I was on my back on the table. Bare from the waist down except for a excellently designed surgical paper/cloth thing with a neat hole cut in the middle for Pierre and the boys to peek through. I didn't look down in the direction for the entire 25 minutes of the procedure. The Doctor applied several solutions with cotton and started talking to me about pro basketball. He's a Jazz fan and he knew I was a Sixers fan so we talked hoops while he worked on me. He warned me of a few light pricks as he injected the stuff that numbs you. It was like getting shots of Novacain in your mouth except it was your scrotum instead.

Once I "numbed up", the Doctor, with his nurse assisting, started the procedure. Besides the banter about rebounds and Michael Jordan, all I heard was some actual snipping as the doc cut my innards. The sound of the snip was alarming. It sounded like when you cut one of those thin plastic thingys that attaches the price to a new pair of pants...except it's inside your scrotum. After the snip, I could smell the burning as the Doctor cauterized either end of the price tag wire and then pushed them back inside. My right side was less cooperative. I had scar tissue in there from a double hernia fix that I had 35 years ago. He apologized as he had to do "more manipulation" to get the right one done. Finally the snip. Then the burn. At that point, I thought we were done, save for the stitching up.

What are some of the worse sentences you can hear a Doctor mutter to his nurse while you are laying there having open-scrotum surgery? I guess the worse would be, "Whoa - quick - grab that before it bounces out of the room! 5 second rule!"

Before the doc stitched me up, he muttered to the nurse, "hold that skin there just for a second.." I got nauseaus for a second but managed to calm myself. The stitch followed and the Doctor announced that we were done.

He starts cleaning up and, I guess someone had called out that day, the doc asked ME to, "hold this really tight while we clean this up a bit." I reached my hand down and he put part of my scrotum in my hand and said to PINCH IT really hard. I just did I was told, being that I could not feel shit. There I was, laying there on a table squeezing my balls while a doctor and nurse cleaned up the crime scene and disposed of my vas deferens. I asked the doc if he had a camera.

The rest of the weekend was spent on the couch with my feet up. I iced my boys for ten straight hours after the procedure and have been wearing a jock to keep everything nice and tight since. People are asking me if I have pain and I really don't. The feeling is more like an annoying nudge down there, which is really what it should be because that's exactly what happened. I have just one stitch and it will dissolve on it's own. The doc wants to see me in eight weeks sporting a sample so he can see if all this worked. Between now and then, I need to ejaculate twenty times or more. NICE!

I want to thank Deb for taking such good care of me since the procedure. Her job started today and she's been a little stressed all weekend but still managed to make sure I stayed on the couch. Mom helped too before she left for home on Saturday.

Elijah asked me why I had the surgery and I told him so that we don't have anymore babies.

"Then why isn't MOM having the surgery - she's the one who has the babies."

"Don't you have a cartoon to watch now?" It's not time for the birds and bees just yet....

Nothing else is new. I had a vasectomy on Friday, Deb started her new job today and ALL THREE KIDS started their new programs today. No stress in my house at all. :-)

All three are doing great today. I just hung up with La Petite where Sadie is and they love her already. I am responsible for transporting Sadie and Deb handles Elijah and Hannah. They both go to the same place for the summer and it's just a mile from Deb's job so it's easy for her.

Mom went home on Saturday and left Elijah hysterical in the car because he didn't want her to leave. I felt terrible because I knew he would be OK within minutes of driving away from the airport but Mom would have to sit there waiting to board, by herself and thinking about him. He was fine as expected and Mom had a good flight and life is back to normal.

This weekend is a three day weekend for Utahns as they celebrate Pioneer Day. Our office will be closed on Monday and the state celebrates like it's the 4th of July all over again. This time there are twice as many fireworks, twice the celebrations, parades, etc. It's a state holiday. Even the banks are closed!

So that's all from Utah for now. Please say a prayer for my two best friends. May they rest in sperm-free peace.

Countdown to Capgun

Just six hours and six minutes now until I finally cap off the expansion of this generation of Borensteins!! Last night I prepared for the big day by following the instructions outlined on the Vasectomy Handbook that the good Doctor gave me. I shaved the to-be-sliced portion of my gonads clean last night. It's like I'm nine years old all over again.

The most interesting part of the to-do list that the Doctor gave me was the third item on the list. "Thouroughly clean your scrotum before the procedure." OK. Like I am going to submit myself to doctors and nurses sporting a punch bag with a week's worth of buildup. Give me a break. I should NOT wash it just out of spite. Actually, I took a loofa too it and realized after about seven seconds that I should have done that BEFORE I shaved... The pain of the surgery will be nothing to me now.

Awwwwwwwww NUTS!

It's hot here in Salt Lake. The weather guy says that there are around five days each summer when the temperature hits 100 degrees. Those days usually occur between July 22nd and August 4th. For now, we are hanging in the low to mid 90s every day with lows in the 60s at night. It's been beautiful. My folks have been here since Wednesday. Dad is leaving tonight and Mom stays through Sunday. We have been everywhere. We went to Solitude and Brighton Resorts and took the tram to the top of Snowbird. We drove to Park City and through the gorgeous Guardsman's Pass gravel road which takes you miles down the side of a mountain through trees and the most amazing views ever! Today, it's Antelope Island and an walk through the Great Salt Lake. We won't see my folks again until October. :-(

Another good thing about Mom being here this week is that she can watch the kiddies on Friday while Deb escorts me to the ceremonial "Cutting of the Vas." Yes, finally, this Friday...I go from Oozie to cap gun. I will sumbit my testicles to the ultimate modification - mutilation. The sick thing is that I CAN'T WAIT!! Bring on the scalpel! The good doctor will take fifteen minutes of his day to tend to my yearning to be sterile. I have to shave the night before and wear a jock strap all weekend. I figure if I can't find a jock strap anywhere, I will just hollow out a watermelon and get some rope... :-)

I will blog this weekend about how it all went. I will also post a bunch of pictures of our time with Mom and Dad.

Deb starts at the synagogue on Monday and all three kiddies are off to their new "homes" during the day. Monday will be crazy!! I should have lots to write about!

The Importing Has Begun!

The more I learn about this beautiful place we now call home, the more I realize how little people who don't live here know about it.

A few weeks back we had our first guest visit. Deb's sister Amy was here for a few days. This week, our dear friends the Turers are here. Spencer was here for 12 hours and could not comprehend how NICE everyone is here. We were outside our house playing with the kids in the sprinklers and two of my neighbors came over and introduced themselves to him. He had 30 minute conversations with each of them. Then I took him through the Einstein Bagel drivethrough and he was amazed at the smiles and cheers that the employees had while taking our orders and serving us at the window. I think he and Lynne want to move here now.

We took some awesome pictures this week during their visit and you can see them here at the Borenstein Picture Gallery.

Next Wednesday my parents are coming and, as much as I want to see them, I am just as much looking forward to showing them where we live. Dad is going to LOVE the humidity here (11% today with 103 degrees) and is going to LOVE the view from the mountains. Mom is going to freak at how nice everyone is and how wonderful this place is for children. We are going to take her on a real Utah hike! They will want to retire here by the time they leave.

I know what you are thinking...I am just talking it up because I am trying to justify being here. Not true at all. There is so little to dislike here it's amazing. Yes, they tax you on clothes and food and it's 7.5 percent. Yes, it's snows a lot. Yes, there are not many Jews here. There are negatives. However, when all is said and done, it truly is the most beautiful place I've seen in the USA. Deb and I always look at eachother when we are siteseeing and say, "we live here."

Speaking of Deb....the synagogue and the Jewish community got what they were looking for. Deb is starting her new job on July 17th as a Director in Congregation Kol Ami here in Salt Lake! She had 3 interviews and got the offer last Thursday. She accepted on Monday! They may not completely know it yet, but they are about to be turned upside down here! She's going to rock their world. I am super proud of her. This is a challenging job. The administration is broken and it's all going to be on Deb's hands to fix it. She's in charge of everything from fundraising to building issues. The Rabbi and her assistant are the only employees who will not report directly to her. There's a winner in town!

Meanwhile we are searching for daycare and camp facilities now and it looks like Hannah and Elijah will spend the summer together at the same facility while Sadie will go to another. Come the fall, Elijah is in full day school and Hannah will go to pre-school WITH DEB at the synagogue! Not a bad arrangement!

Anyway, sorry I have not posted. Many of you have been budging me to and I will get back on schedule now. SO much is going on with life and our visitors. You look up and it's the 28th of the month already....

A few more tidbits before you click on that link for the cool pictures:

• Sadie is nearly crawling. She's just about there....
• Elijah lost the second and final tube from his ear from his operation last year. We saved it.
• Hannah gets naked down to her panties every day at 4pm and does not get dressed again until her PJs at night.
• We sold the damaged TV from our move for $800. Well, actually, $300 in landscaping (barter!) and $500 cash.
• Did I mention it's beautiful here? :-)

Ta ta for now!!

Thirty-Nine.......for REAL!!!

What a strange birthday for me. My REAL 39th! Does this mean that for the rest of my life I will join the billions of people in this world who announce their 39th birthday EVERY YEAR no matter how old they are? Who knows. All I know for sure is that it's the last year of my 30's and it's rather hard to believe. Most of you know that I don't give my own birthdays much attention because to me, age is in your mind more than your body. As long as I wake up with morning wood every day and have to bend completely across the toilet for that first pee in the morning, then I am not too old. Where 39 really hits home is that, once again, I have vivid memories of where my own parents were at this age. THAT freaks me out.

Dad was 39 in 1980. I was 13, just had my Bar Mitzvah. Mom was only 35 then. She didn't turn 39 until I was a junior in high school. Me? When Sadie is a junior in high school I will be 55. Old? Who knows. I'll let you know then.

Meanwhile, it was a beautiful day for my birthday. It was 97 degrees but the humidity was so low that I drove to and from work with my windows down. Now, anyone who knows me is aware that I sweat bullets at the slightest sign of heat. I could be standing naked on an ice berg in the North Pole and there would be beads on my forehead. Now, after all these years, I am finally realizing what all those 90 year old Jews in Florida are always saying, is TRUE - it's not the heat...it's the humidity! 20% humidity means sweat comes and goes in minutes. It's a DREAM.

This week starts our summer of visitors. Deb's sister Amy is in town for 4 days. A few days afterwards, Spencer and Lynne and the kids are coming for a week. A few days later my parents arrive for ten days. A few days after that Deb's parents are coming for 10 days. Then in September Aunt Rocky is coming for a week. Then in October we are going to NJ again for Lauren's Bat Mitzvah and our week in DISNEY WORLD with the Turers. Before you know it, it will be November and I will be shoveling 600 inches of snow off my driveway.

Hope you all enjoyed the pics that were posted. More videos are coming. Now, I am off to bed for my first night of sleep as a 39 year old. 39 years YOUNG, that is.

Another Shot at VIDEO

Thanks for hanging in there with me folks. I am trying Yahoo Video here. The service just launched this week and since none of you could view the video from YouTube, I figured I would give this a shot. Let me know if you can see this!! It's Hannah in NJ for her birthday...

Absence Makes the Heart....

Just got back from six days in NJ. What a fantastic trip. I am going to let the pictures do the talking am in the process of uploading some videos too. I'll just say that it was great to see everyone and the two weddings were fantastic too. Deb and the girls are still visiting and will be coming home on Saturday morning.

For now, please click on the Borenstein Family pictures at the right and look at Elijah in his tuxedo at Liz and Alex's wedding; Hannah with her magnificent Ariel cake (thanks Lynne!) at her birthday party; Sadie playing with grandpa; and the old group having a great time at the BBQ......

More pics after Deb gets back!!

Jawdy's Basement Presents the First Ever Video Blog!

First off, head over the picture site for two new picture albums featuring Hannah's Third Birthday Dinner and Elijah's Kindergarten Program.

Now, speaking of Elijah's program...here is the first video ever posted here at the Basement. There are more to come - mostly shorter than this but I HAD to run this whole thing because it's absolutely classic. Elijah is there in the middle - it won't take long to find him. SHAKE THOSE HIPS!!!

Milestones and House Pains

Sorry so late!! For the first time since writing on Jawdy's Basement, I have been uninspired for some reason. Strange, I must say. Usually I will remark a bunch of times that "I need to post about this" but lately I have not said that. UNTIL NOW! What a eventful week we had here in the Borenstein Family - Utah Branch....

First is big news about Elijah. He woke up one morning and announced that his tooth had come out! It had been loose for quite some time, about a month I think, and he woke up with it on his tongue. I think we were more excited than he was. He was so nonchalant about it - just announced that the thing was on his tongue, put it in a plastic bag and went to watch his morning TV. That night he put the tooth under his pillow and the tooth fairy delivered a fresh $5 bill in it's place. He awoke the next morning and grabbed the $5 and went around telling everyone that the tooth fairy gave him "just one five-dollar bill." Poor kid. When I lost my teeth, the tooth fairy gave me some broccoli and flaxseed. So the going rate is $5 per tooth now? Amazing. He's actually decided to bank the cash in hopes of saving enough money to purchase the millennium Falcon. The ACTUAL millennium Falcon. I told him he would need to steal other kid's teeth to get enough cash for that. Our boy is TOOTHLESS!! I loved calling him that. That's what Dad called my sister and I when we lost teeth. "Hey toothless - come eat your broccoli. You don't want the tooth fairy to get offended!"

Sunday was, of course, Mother's Day. It was also our Hannah's third birthday. We got a little homesick when we asked Hannah where she wanted to have her birthday dinner and she said "Aunt Cannice's house." Eventually she decided on Mexican food so we went to the city and ate dinner at the Blue Iguana. Hannah ordered a burrito and had the greatest time. It was precious.

They don't really do a Happy Birthday thing over there but our waiter, Carlos, was kind enough to sing Happy Birthday to Hannah anyway. That plate is fried ice cream and Hannah thought there was popcorn in it when she tasted it. We told her it was cinnamon and she asked Carlos how they got the cinnamon in the ice cream. It was adorable. She said it was the best birthday dinner she ever had.

We are so proud - our little girl is three!

So the weekend was over and then came today....let me start by taking you back a few weeks...or a few years...

Most of you know that the one common denominator with all of the houses we have owned has been WATER. Our first house had water flowing into the downstairs family room on a regular basis. If that was not happening then the hot water heater was overflowing and murdering our carpet. So we moved. House #2 had that whole basement fiasco that I don't want to remember right now but if you want to relive it, you can do so here. SO now we moved across the country to one of the dryest states of all. You know what's coming....

A few weeks back, I noticed a small puddle just inside the laundry room door which leads to the backyard. I figured water had just seeped under the door (we had rain) so I dismissed it. Every once in awhile I noticed some water in the same place and just figured that it seeped under the door. So this weekend I went to Home Depot and bought a door seal so I could reseal the door and end the seepage. I won't be needing the sealer.

Last night I noticed a rather large pool of dirty water there. It had not rained. I opened the laundry room door and it was perfectly dry outside. Uh-oh. So I got down on all fours and proceed to follow a small trail of water that ended at the baseboard of the wall. The wall was leaking. I ran my hand up the wall in horror as I realized it was bubbly and mushy and WET. My first thought was, "the water fucking followed us to Utah." We already had an exterminator coming to the house today to get rid of the CARPENTER ANTS that are in my kitchen....and now this. Sleeping was difficult last night but all's well that ends well...

I woke up and called the home warranty people. Thank god for home warranties!!! The plumbers were here in an hour. They removed cabinets from the wall and cut open the sheetrock....all the way up to the ceiling. There, JUST BELOW the ceiling line, was the source of the problem. The water was coming from the kitchen sink. Had the source of the problem been just a few inches higher, the plumbers would have had to cut open the ceiling and secondary damages are NOT covered in the home warranty....like I said all's well that ends well. They replaced the pipe and remounted the cabinets in the laundry room and it only cost me $55 for the deductible.

Oh yeah - the carpenter ants are gone too.

We got our swamp cooler working!! Don't know what one is? I didn't either. Read about them here. We don't have central air here in Utah - you really don't need it because it's totally not humid. Now, you all know that I am not the average HANDYMAN so one of my employees came over today, climbed on the roof, and hooked the thing up (it's been 85 and sunny and will be all week). It's much nicer in here now!! Thanks Kelly!! Check out the clouds!

So now we are back to normal. No more ants. No more water in the house. Nice and chilly in here too. Life is good again.

The Great Outdoors

One of the great things about moving here to Utah is the outdoor life. EVERYONE is outside all the time. I'm talking 8am to 10pm on the weekends - kids EVERYWHERE. They are riding their bikes or scooters (or, with one 5 year old on our block, a motorcycle with training wheels) up and down the block and in the circle (we live in a cul-de-sac). It's amazing. Last Sunday, Elijah was riding his bike for four hours outside and was really getting the hang of it. His bike is a few years old now and is just big enough to fit him. Anyway, after coming inside for the night on Sunday, he accidentaly left the bike on the driveway. Not that big a deal around here - there is not much of a threat for it to be stolen. However, he left it ON IT'S SIDE. It was raining on Monday morning when I got in my car to leave for work and....well....you can probably guess what I didn't see behind me in the driveway...

Good thing the bike was not newer. It works out, kinda, because we are going to pick him up a scooter now to replace the bike. A lot of the kids have scooters here because it's more like snowboarding. Bikes are popular for sure, but you see more skateboards and scooters around then anything else. A good summer of "scootering" around will suit him well when the snow returns and he learns how to ski.

Deb had a productive weekend - she assembled a closet organizer in the girl's room all by herself! She was very proud! At one point, she borrowed a level from our neighbor and then needed his assistance to cut a pipe to fit in the closet, but I am giving her full credit for the job and it looks good!

We celebrated our wedding anniversary on Tuesday night by taking the kids to a restaurant here called The Mayan. It's Mexican food but the setting is in a jungle and there are cliff divers and magicians all over the place. The divers jump from about 20 feet and the kids love to watch them. There was a balloon lady and all kinds of distractions for the kids. The food was rather crappy but at least we didn't have an issue with the kids. Going to a nicer restaurant would have been a challenge. Deb and I agreed - we would save our anniversary date for when our parents come here so they can watch the kids for us.

I think I mentioned that Hannah gave up her pacifier a few weeks back. She's been sleeping great at night but, for some reason, has completely given up napping. Not good. Some of you can relate to this I'm sure - but being around a three year old who gets up at 7am and does not nap is like someone smearing wasabe on an open cut on your scrotum. It hurts.

So, as I type this, Deb is home trying to lure Hannah to her bed (or any bed for that matter). She's walking around the house with a fishing rod with fruit snacks on the hook saying, "come on girl - COME ON!!" but Hannah ain't biting. Looks like she's done napping for life.

It's 70 degrees and breezy and there is not a cloud in the sky here. It's going to be like this for the next SEVEN days. Are you jealous?

Click over to the recently completed 100 Things About Me page and contribute to the list!!

THE ZOO!!

Made our first trip to the great Utah Hogle Zoo Saturday! Check out the photo album by clicking HERE!

I'll write later in the week!

Stay Away From That New Family...

Elijah and I have always had a tradition of going to Target together on Saturdays. Back in NJ we would run some errands together just about every week and usually end up in Target for 10-15 minutes. This past Saturday, we went to the Target here in Salt Lake for the first time. This Target is maybe 3 miles from the house and it's one of those GREATLAND Targets...which means they have an entire grocery store with Salad Bar and everything. It could take 4 hours to walk through the place.

I don't know if we will ever be allowed to go back.

As soon as we get there, Elijah tells me he has to go potty so we walk in to the most vile smelling bathroom EVER. Imagine dunking your head in a vat of Jabba the Hut's doody.

"OH MY GOD - IT SMELLS SO BAD IN HERE!" said my honest boy.

"OK, Elijah, it IS a bathroom so lets go over here to the urinal and go pee pee."

"I think someone is making a POOP in here, Daddy!"

So I practically cut him off and raise my voice louder than his, which, if you know Elijah, is like shouting off the top of Mt. Rushmore. "OK sweet boy - are you done going pee pee?"

He backs off from the urinal and goes to wash his hands....but before he does, he walks up to the door of the stall and literally gets on his hands and knees to look UNDER THE DOOR. Before I could grab him, the words were already out.

"YEP!! THERE IS SOMEBODY MAKING A POOP IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

At that point, my nervousness got to me so bad that I had to poop. We were home pretty quickly after that.

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We went to our first Salt Lake Bees game today! They are the Triple A affiliate of the Angels and they play in a magnificent stadium about 15 miles from our house. It was a great day and the kids loved it. Click here to see all the pictures. I will leave you with one of my favorites...and no, the background is NOT a painting... We live in a pretty cool place...

Home

It's been so long since I posted and yet it feels like yesterday. So much is going on and every day is so busy!! Let's see if I can get you up to date...

• We are about 70% complete with our unpacking. Deb did a magnificent job in the playroom upstairs this past weekend and now all we really have, aside from decorating, is the basement. There are about 20 boxes down there. I'll post some more pics in the coming weeks.
• Sadie sits up! She's five months tomorrow and she can sit on her own for 15-20 seconds or so.
• Work is going well and my staff of three begins with me on the 17th full time. They have spent the last two weeks in Philadelphia training. We go live on the 17th!!!
• It snowed 20 inches this weekend ten miles from here and we got nothing.
• Elijah is liking school here. Today I went through his backpack and there were seven papers in there. Some were coloring pages and some were words and stories that he was to read. Every single one of them was Easter themed. One of the pictures Elijah drew was the Easter bunny delivering eggs under a rainbow. I said that we don't celebrate Easter and Elijah said they don't talk about Passover in the school. So Deb told the teacher she would love to come in and talk to the class about Passover and the teacher thought that would be a great idea. We will see if that happens. Talk about a difference!
• Elijah is also liking Sunday school at the Synagogue. We've met some nice people already from there. In fact, this Wednesday for the first Seder we are going to someone's house and then on Thursday to ANOTHER person's house. THEN, to complete the trifecta, we are going to Shabbat dinner on Friday to yet ANOTHER person's house who has a son in Elijah's Sunday school. Three free dinners in a row - AWESOME!
• The TV repairman is coming on Thursday morning to take the TV and see if he can fix it (not). Then the arguing will begin with the movers on why they should (better) replace my TV. It's all kind of messed up.
• Hannah follows Elijah around like she IDOLOZES him. She makes the sounds he makes, imitates his moves and everything. It's amazing....except when he's being bad cause then she's bad with him. Deb said the only thing she does differently than him is eat. She eats EVERYTHING. Elijah eats 5 things....6 if you count macaroni and cheese as two.
• Our cars are not here. Yes, that's correct - OUR FUCKING CARS ARE NOT HERE. Sorry - got angry for a second there. The car moving company said April 13th or possibly as late as the 17th. It sucks. Oh and by the way - its $448 per week for the minivan we are renting. Nice.
• We ate at Rich's Bagels this weekend. Besides Einstein, it's the only bagel shop we have seen. "Born and Raised in Utah" is their slogan. Not bad! A little different - they claim they use no fat or oil in the bagels. Certainly edible!
• Mom and Dad are coming for 10 days in July. Bobe and Zeide are coming for two weeks in August. Spencer and Lynne are planning a trip at the end of June. Excellent!

Some more interesting facts about our new home...

• There is no such thing as Pepper Steak here and NO Chinese restaurants here have ever heard of Chinese Pizza. This leads me to believe that Pepper Steak and Chinese Pizza are Jewish creations.
• We found Saturday Night Live!! It's on the WB at 10:30pm. COOL!!
• Nobody uses turn signals here. It's like driving behind my father ALL THE TIME.
• Still the most interesting thing about the people here is the way everyone adapts to the weather. I wrote about this before but EVERYONE is in shorts and flip-flops all the time. This past weekend I drove Elijah to Sunday school and it was 42 degrees when we left the house. Elijah reluctantly wore his sweat jacket. When we got to the Synagogue, there were tons of kids walking in with TANK TOPS and shorts on. No jackets. It was 42 degrees!!!! Parents too! Walking in with their kids in tank tops and flip-flops. So Elijah took off his jacket! So far, the kids have not worn their winter coats ONCE here. It's so different - I can't explain it. It's awesome for sure.

I am so tired now. I would write more but, to tell you the truth, I already had and lost 80% of this post to an errant key click...I had to type it all again and now I am pooped!!

Everyone have happy and healthy Pesach and I hope you all find the afikomen!

Sun, Snow, School and Snails

Time is moving along quite quickly here in what I consider to be the single most beautiful place I have ever seen inside the United States. You can never get tired of waking up and walking into the kitchen for breakfast and looking out your window at miles of snow capped mountains.

Anyway, here's an update on what's going on since my last post...

The movers were successful in moving 18,000 pounds of our stuff into the house. For the most part, everything transferred very well. However, after about two hours of moving, the crew called me outside. I knew it was not good news. Turns out our 2-year old, 57" TV was completely totaled in the move. Some doofus back home thought it would be a good idea to pack a 200 pound DESK on top of it for the 2,200 mile trip. Done. It completely SUCKS. We were so looking forward to watching some good hi-def TV after three months and now this... So....thank goodness we have the complete replacement option in the insurance for the move so we SHOULD get a new TV out of this. Of course, the company will argue that it can be fixed and we will face weeks of arguing...I'll keep you all posted. Of course, when I called to check on the claim yesterday, I was told to call back on Friday. It's starting already...

The house looked in shambles the day of the move....

There were boxes everywhere and it looked like there would be WEEKS of work to be done. However, we decided that we would work slowly and take as long as we would need. It was a good decision. Tonight, as I write this, we are about 50% completed. The kitchen was first and that took two days by itself.

Sadie ate cereal for the first time!

I started in the new office Monday and things are crazy in there setting up the office and ordering supplies and such. My first three hires flew to Philly today to begin an intensive 2.5 week training and they will start with me in the office on April 17th. THAT'S when the fun starts!

So I promised I would post a few shots of our life in the skanky hotel. Four of the most uncomfortable days of our lives.

Things were pretty tight and we didn't have much room to do much of anything...

However...while Deb and I were fighting every moment to keep composed and calm, the kids thought it was the greatest time they ever had. They got to sleep with us and eat at restaurants three meals a day. When we got back to the room at night, they kept us sane...

They stayed happy while we were cursing Mother Nature for snowing a million inches right where our truck was. They are awesome.

So, now it's Day six and we are settling in quite nicely. The weather has been absolutely stunning....except for today. It rained on and off and the mountains got over two feet of snow (or as the skiers would say, "two feet of fresh powder"). I will put some scenery photos up in the coming days.

So we all know that when it rains, the earthworms come out to say "Hi!" Tonight, as I was taking out the trash at around 7pm, I noticed about fifty of the creepy crawlers on our walkway. It was amazing - I have never seen so many worms in one place! I ran into the house to get Elijah and Hannah and they came outside to look at them with me. Two steps outside and Elijah shouts, "SNAIL!!!" and, sure enough, right there resting on a piece of carpet, was a slimy snail! I have never seen one live before. We got down real close on the carpet and I put our new digital camera to the test. Elijah named him Shelly. Isn't she cute?

I should have moved her but I decided to let her be. I just hope I don't step on Shelly when I leave for work in the morning!

There's one more picture I want to share with you. It was a few nights before we left. Our friends had some pizza for us and Lynne baked the most amazing, Utah shaped cake EVER. I leave you with this picture until next time! Good Night!!

The Walls are Closing In....

Our week continues here in beautiful, sunny Salt Lake. First, some observations from the last four days and then the continuing story of our journey here. (As a bit of a spoiler, I will let you know that the story as it now stands has us STILL here in this hellhole of a "hotel" tonight.)

So, those observations....

• Every woman is pregnant. Seriously. Every single woman, with the exception of my wife, in the state of Utah is pregnant. I've only seen one hospital. Where are they all born?
• Everyone is so sweet here it's like I am living in the movie Fargo. You walk into Einstein Bagels and the woman greets you like you are her long lost cousin. They practically HUG you here. In McDonalds, the woman at the counter actually explained to me how their store works and why their store is so different than the others in the area. Then she gave me my heart attack on a plate and wished me a great day. Incredible. (If Mom is reading this, substitute McDonalds with Salad Works).
• It's 50 degrees out and, unless you have been here, you have no idea what that feels like. People ALL OVER are wearing shorts and flip flops. SHORTS AND FLIP FLOPS!! That's just the way people live out here...in shorts and flip flops. We are not wearing jackets most of the time because, although it may be cold, it's not "chilly" if you know what I mean. It's just cold....nice, calm, dry cold. Perfect weather. My windows were open today.
• Policemen take your height and weight when they pull you over. See below for more on that.
• Finally, and this may be the most incredible thing about Utah, you never get machines when you call businesses. HUMANS ANSWER THE PHONE HERE!! I called the cable company - Comcast - the phone rang twice and a man answered, "Hello, Comcast!" Deb called the DMV - the freaking DMV!!! - and a human answered the phone and then answered all her questions WITHOUT transferring her ONCE!!!! Go figure!

We registered Elijah for Kindergarten and his first day was Wednesday. I was pulling up to the school and I noticed police lights flashing behind me. The conversation that transpired was nothing short of extraordinary (think Fargo again here for the accents...)

"Afternoon Sir, how ya doin' today?"

"Good, officer. And you?"

"Terrific! Hey listen, the reason I pulled ya on over today was 'cause you were speeding there. I had ya clocked at 37 in a 25 zone there. That's 12 miles over the speed limit there."

"Ouch"

"Hey - can I take a peek at yer license and registration please?"

(I panic....I realize I left that damn....sorry....dagum rental papers in the hotel room. In Philly I would be roughed and calling my one relative. In Utah.....)

"Gee - you know that happens all the time!! People forget those papers back in the hotel and that's OK. I'll be right back."

(he goes back to his car for about 45 seconds. The next part is what really sticks with me...)

"OK sir - I am going to issue you a written warning there sir. No fine, no points, no worries. You don't gotta show up in court for this here. Just a warning."

"Thank you officer"

"OK, sir, can I get your height please?"

"OK....6 feet"

"GREAT!! Can I get your WEIGHT PLEASE?"

(what the fuck? a policeman is asking for my weight?)

"Gee, officer, that's a LOADED question!"

(laugh - HE LAUGHS TOO!)

"Drive safe now, OK Sir? Welcome to Utah and I hope you have a great stay with us."

I wanted to get the guy's phone number and invite him and his family to dinner.

Anyway, Elijah LOVES school. He has Mrs. Carter and he's fitting in nicely after just two days.

I REALLY feel bad for the kids because we've been sleeping in this tiny room for 4 nights. Thank goodness - at 8am tomorrow the orange truck is supposed to pull up to the house and dump all my shit there. TOMORROW we will move in - 3 days behind schedule but all the stronger for it.

Just in the last 11 hours we have:

• Gotten Debbie a drivers license (I could not get mine because my social security card is on the damn truck)
• Had $376 in groceries delivered to the house by Albertsons.
• Dropped another $250 in Costco on more groceries.
• Received two awesome packages - TWO DOZEN bagels from our dear friends the Vincoffs and an amazing TREE from Aunt Helene.
• Gone to the potty 11 times and changed 3 poopie diapers.
• Gone to Smiths grocery store and bought some more odds and ends.

We are exhausted.

So....I need to post some pics for all of you!! Got some good ones already from here in our skanky hotel room.

More updates later. I need some sleep - there is a place next to Elijah on the bed waiting for me!!

Love you all!!

24 Hours We Will Never Forget

It's just after 10pm on Tuesday night and my internal clock is still not right. Everyone is sleeping and I am here typing on the laptop in our hotel room. I am not even tired, despite the fact that I slept just 4 hours last night and little the night before.

The trip out here was (still is) certainly memorable. I will try to recap to this point....

We woke up at 5am on Monday and loaded the cars. Left the house in two cars (Mom and Dad each drove) with our SEVEN pieces of checked luggage and FIVE carry-on bags perfectly on time at 6am. The security line stretched halfway to Canarsy (as Mom would say) and we made it through in about 30 minutes. The flight to Minneapolis was just perfect. The kids were wonderful and I think I dozed off for a bit. We had to walk eleven miles from terminal to terminal in Minneapolis so that we could board our Mini-Cooper aircraft to Salt Lake City. This thing sat 48 people......THIN people. We piled on and after taking BOTH kids to the potty TWICE, a man approached me (sitting with Sadie on my lap) and indicated with dread, that the window seat was his. I got up to let him in, my head brushing against the CEILING of the plane, and noticed the pain in his face. "I know what you're thinking and, you have to believe me, it won't be that bad." Trying to calm the nerves of a baby-scared airline passenger is funny and sad at the same time. I could have told him I had six bombs taped to my testicles and he would have been more at ease.

The flight to Salt Lake on the go cart was an hour late and extremely uncomfortable. The man sitting behind me was 300 pounds and smelled like he had some old shrimp lodged deep within his beard. Thank goodness Sadie pooped - it took the smell of shrimp away.

We realized something was very wrong after 20 minutes at the baggage claim yielded 4 pieces of luggage. Two car seats and Deb's massive suitcase - missing. We filed claims and Delta lent us two car seats that must have been made for sumo wrestling families. I didn't know whether to install them in a car, or take them home and bathe the kids in them. Our stroller was missing an important piece and my suitcase had a hole punched through it like someone was checking to see if I was trying to smuggle pickled herring and lox into Utah.

Alamo was a breeze. I told Deb I never had an easier time renting a car. There was a reason for that. I never did rent it at all. You see, 5 minutes into our drive to the hotel, my cell phone rang. It was the brain surgeon from Alamo telling me that I never signed my contract for the minivan I just stole from the lot and can I come back and sign them now. I was pissed at this point. I told him that I was in the middle of East Bumblecrap and could not turn around...it was his fault that he let me leave while he made google eyes at the once-in-a-lifetime blonde bombshell that was behind me and needed help learning how to start her car.

Yes, you read right - I said East Bumblecrap. If I were in ANY OTHER PLACE in the entire solar system than Utah, I would have said East Bumblefuck and probably followed that up with a "you stupid snot nosed douchebag" but, I caught myself. I live in Utah now and I have to be nice. Whatever. The rocket scientist ended up DRIVING to my hotel with my unsigned contracts so I could sign them.

The best part was yet to come. My cellphone rings. It's Joe - my moving van driver....

"Hi Mr. Borenstein. It's Joe - your moving van driver."

"Hi, Joe. How are you today?"

"Are you already in Utah? If not, can you delay your flight?"

Again, I am a Utah resident now. NO BAD WORDS. I was good. Turns out that Joe is stuck in Nebraska and Route 80 is CLOSED due to the massive snowstorm that's all over CNN. What makes it worse, is that he is just 40 miles from where the road closed. 40 miles from freedom. He "may" be delayed from Wednesday to Friday with 16,000 pounds of my shit.

I spoke to Joe again this afternoon. He's in Nebraska, the same 40 freaking miles from open road that he was 24 hours ago. In his words, he will be "lucky" to get here on Friday. OK. Deb has no clothes, I have 3 pair of underwear and the kids have a bunch of odds and ends. That's gonna be GREAT. I can't yell at Joe, though, because he sincerely feels bad.

So last night at midnight, Delta shows up here at my hotel with our stuff. Things are looking up. Today we spent hours at the house just sitting on the floor and opening all of our mail. Hannah's new Princess bedroom set arrived and our new internet phones did too (Vonage!). We planned out where all our furniture was going to go when it gets here. Then I thought about every material possession of mine being stuck on an orange truck in a blizzard in Nebraska and I got nauseous.

We have eaten six consecutive meals at various fast food joints and tonight it was a pleasure eating a shrimp spinach salad at Applebees. The kids are eating well, despite the amount of chicken nuggets. We decided to borrow some pots from the hotel tomorrow and make a dinner at our house. We bought some stuff at Target tonight to make dinner with. The BIGGEST target in the free world, I might add. It has a grocery store attached to it. An entire, fully stocked grocery store with prepared foods and a Starbucks and everything. Niiiiiice.....

We officially put the hotel on notice that we aint going anywhere for a few days so we continue to live in a one bedroom efficiency until Mother Nature stops being a bitch and opens the damn road.

I am tired all of a sudden....I think the Grande-Triple Espresso-Skim-Cinnamon Dolce Latte is wearing off. Try ordering THAT without stuttering! Good night everyone and look for updates tomorrow or Thursday. Peace.

Fun With Utah

This week has been very difficult. It's been like a Farewell Tour for us. Every night, we are dining with different family and friends. Each night ends in tearful hugs and promises of Utah visits. We still have tonight, tomorrow and Sunday to go but, at this point, we are ready to start our adventure in Salt Lake City.

I was going to post another mushy story about how wonderful our friends are. We've been having dinner with them almost all week and we are so lucky in that respect. The cake that Lynne made for us was absolutely incredible and I will post a picture here later. However, I decided to make this post a little more light hearted and share with you some of what we will be experiencing out in Utah.

YOU MIGHT BE LIVING IN UTAH IF:

Sandals are the best-selling shoes.

You have to ask for the uncensored version of "Titanic."

Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.

You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running. Then they come in fourth.

You live on Redwood Road, but there are no redwood trees, or any trees for that matter.

The local NBA team is named after the entire state instead of a city.

Schools stay open, even if two feet of snow falls overnight, but close for the opening of hunting season.

People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.

There is a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.

You go to a wedding reception where the bride isn't pregnant, but her mother is.

People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery.

In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.

Beer drinkers don't shop on Sunday.

When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks are standard.

Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.

"Temple recommends"are acceptable identification for cashing a check.

The July 4th celebration lasts 20 days.

More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've heard them all by now...

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?
A: Because thirty-six is just too many.

It goes on and on....

YES - I saw "that show on HBO" this past Sunday. It's on after the Soprano's and it's called BIG LOVE. It's about a Utah polygamist (Bill Paxton) and his life with three wives and kids, all living in three houses next to eachother. Of course, I am watching it. It's funny because in the first five minutes of the show they mention that the family lives in the Wasatch Valley. That's exactly where we are going to be living. I'll be on the lookout for Bill!

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously, she says -

Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"

Brigham Young: "I am."

I am Stuck on Band-Aid and Band-Aid's Stuck On Me

I am sitting in my bed. It's 10:54 on Monday evening and a thought just raced through my head. ONE WEEK from this very moment, every single material item my family owns, with the exception of some underwear, assorted clothes and some toiletries, will be on a truck moving at 60 miles per hour on Route 80 somewhere in western Pennsylvania on it's way to Salt Lake City, Utah. My family will be sleeping here in Cherry Hill, NJ getting ready to spend our last week as residents of this town for a LOONG time. What a strange feeling.

Part of me is just freaked out that I have a couple of days to PACK everything up in the house to get it ready for the truck. Dad brought home ten boxes from his store today to help us out. Mom cried once today; Deb twice.

With each passing day, I find myself becoming more and more ready for this move. Deb and I had a conversation today and I realized that my emotions are so different from hers and there are legitimate reasons for that. For starters, she is HERE in the house all day long. She talks to the family, spends time with the kids, etc. I am at work. Deb says it's like pulling a Band-Aid one hair at a time...you know that once it comes off it's going to feel fine....it's the getting the darn thing off that hurts like hell. When we get out there I am going to be working long hours. I will be occupied by the job and Deb will be home with the kids. It's going to be tougher for her to leave and tougher for her to adjust out there. She has been great throughout all this - really incredible, actually. I am lucky to have her. I just hope the Band-Aid comes off as smoothly as possible.

Forget UTAH for JUST a Second....

OK so we have around three weeks to go...but let's forget that just for a second. I want to take a second to plug a new project.

Just Us Dads is a new weblog I put together that will feature posts written by Dads about their experiences as a father. There are LOTS of Mommy blogs out there and just not enough Daddy ones.

I've recruited a bunch of Dads and we are going to post some things and hope to get some good discussion and feedback going. So - head on over to Just Us Dads and bookmark it!!

OK...we now return to our regularly scheduled blogging....

Follow the Snow Brick Road

From when I step foot in my office every morning until I leave around 5:30 every day, I must get 20 questions about when I am leaving for Utah. "So when are they sending you out there?" "Got a move day yet?" "When is the office finally opening?"

Next to questions about me being a Jew in Utah, it's the most common conversation subject. I should just get a t-shirt that says "Soon to be ten Jews in Utah" on the front. Up to now, I didn't know what I would put on the back. However, I can now announce for certain that the back of that t-shirt can read, "The Adventure Begins - March 20, 2006".

The other night, Deb and I were sitting around and I told her we had to finalize this thing because we needed to let the movers know and start the process of helping everyone grieve. I am half joking on that last part but the truth is that there are a lot of people saying some very touching things to us these last few weeks. I knew we would be missed but I never thought it would be like this. I won't get too mushy here but I can tell you that we are really feeling the love these days. It's nice on one hand and, of course, on the other hand it makes it more tough to go. Deb has had her crying spots and after every one she reassures me that she's excited about getting out there but the actual move it becoming more and more real. I know. It's not going to be easy but we've had lots of time to prepare and there are exciting times coming!!! So - I won't dwell on this too long. Just wanted to let everyone know that March 20 is the day.

We settle on our house tomorrow! We signed all the papers today and had them notarized. They are going to Utah by FedEx in the morning. Our first mortgage payment in four months will be due on April 1st. It's good to be a homeowner again. I've now owned more homes than my parents have in their lifetime!

It's amazing - when Deb has a sad moment and cries a little, Elijah always runs over to her and comforts her. He says everything is going to be fine. He hugs her. It's adorable. I really think he's ready for this move. He will start school immediately and karate as well. We also just got some good information on the JCC Summer Camp out there so he will spend some weeks doing that this summer. He's been wonderful about all this.

Hannah just wants to take a purple plane to Utah. Nothing else matters. Purple plane. I keep thinking about her on the Soul Plane to Utah.....

More updates coming soon. Gotta get some sleep now. Night.

WAIT!! I almost forgot....

My bud Jules from Tales From the Stirrups tagged by butt and now I have to answer these questions...

Four jobs I've had in my life:
1. Working at Dad's retail store, C&J Discount (I was the 'J'!)
2. Working for an advertising company placing ads on the sides of NJ Transit buses (Aunt Helene got me that job)
3. Bill Collector!! Three companies. Yes, I had a few alises (Paul Britton and Randy Jackson to name a few)
4. Selling gold plated jewelery business to business. The biggest waste of time EVER.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. About Last Night
2. Anchorman
3. Planes Tranes and Automobiles
4. Girls Gone Wild Volumes 1-80 (does this count as 1?)

Four places I have been on vacation (in order of favorites):
1. Carribean cruise. Ahhhh......
2. Disney! (headed back this October!)
3. Mexico
4. Israel

Four websites I visit daily:
1. MelodicRock.com
2. CNN
3. ESPN
4. Philadelphia Daily News

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Sushi of any kind
2. Beef Stroganoff
3. Deb's milanesa and pude
4. Mom's chicken soup

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. None. Right here in my bed next to Deb is just fine!
2-4. See above.

Put the Needle in the Buttocks

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to some important people who are going through an exciting but rather scary time right now. We send you lots of love and support!!

Post 100

This is the 100th post on Jawdy's Basement. I was going to write something but can't get this picture out of my mind and thought it would be a perfect way to mark the special occasion. I can't believe how my Hannah has grown up so fast....

This Little Piggie

Time is flying by so fast and so much is happening! Here's the update...

Deb, Sadie and I spent four days in Utah last week. We were on a house hunting trip. Elijah and Hannah stayed home with my parents (thanks guys!) and we took Sadie for her first flight. The flight was great - Sadie was amazing - and our first day looking at houses was very interesting. We looked at about a dozen houses all around Salt Lake City and saw some very nice potential houses. Friday morning we got back together with our realtor and went to see another house before our realtor had to go attend other business. We spent the rest of the day together and attended services at the synagogue at night. Notice I say "the synagogue"? That's because I don't need to specify which one because there really is JUST ONE. Anyway, the Rabbi knew we were coming and pointed us out in the congregation. After the service, dozens of people came to introduce themselves and we got into some great conversation. In the car back to the hotel, we made a crucial decision.

Without going into TOO much detail, it's safe to say that Salt Lake City is not the most diverse place to live. I wrote about that here. Well, after speaking with so many of the congregants at the synagogue on Friday night, it was obvious we had to live as close to the city as we could afford. We would have to sacrifice some of the things we wanted in a home so that we could live in a more diverse setting and make life easier for the kids at school and for social life in general. We decided that we would completely shift our requirements for the house and when we arrived at Remax on Saturday morning to see more houses, they were all within a few miles of the city. Well, the results on Saturday were fantastic. More details on the whole house thing in just a minute...

Trackback to Friday afternoon. We had most of the day to ourselves and planned on relaxing at the hotel and previewing more houses online before going to synagogue at 6:30. Well, sometime after 3pm or so, Sadie got fussy. Not a big deal - babies get fussy all the time. Well, Sadie has never been fussy for more than 10 or 15 minutes before. This time, she didn't stop crying. At times, her crying got severe and it was nearly impossible to console her. Deb and I traded off 5 minutes trying different things. We thought she was hungry so we tried a bottle; but Sadie only ate an ounce before crying again. We thought she had gas so we layed her on her back and pumped her legs to help her; but that only made her cry more. After she finally fell asleep for about 30 minutes, we thought we were in the clear. Not the case. Sadie woke up crying worse than before and we were close to either calling a Doctor or driving to the emergency room when Deb made a joke that turned out to be not such a joke after all!

You see, a few weeks ago a co-worker of mine came into my office and told me about the strangest emergency room visit I have ever heard. His infant daughter had somehow gotten her toe tangled up with a hair that was in her sock and the hair wrapped itself around her toe a bunch of times, cutting through the skin and becoming sort of a tourniquet. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctors had to remove the hair under magnification with a special tool. The case of this "hair tourniquet" was so rare, that other doctors in the hospital asked to watch the procedure because they never get to see such a thing. Strange, right? I told Deb about what happened that night and, although the poor little girl was fine, she could have lost her toe from the wayward hair.

Well, while we were trying the thousandth method to get Sadie to calm down, and realizing that we probably were NOT going to synagogue that night, Deb looked at me in an attempt to break the tension and said, "maybe she has a toe tourniquet." We both chuckled. Well, Deb pulled off Sadie's sock and....viola! Blood. "Oh my God. She DOES!"

Deb touched it and Sadie screamed in pain. I ran down to the front desk and borrowed a pair of scissors. Deb had a tweezer in the room. We thought we had a shot of removing it ourselves because the hair was actually wrapped around TWO toes in a figure eight formation so there was room to try and cut the hair between her toes. I held Sadie down and Deb did the operation. She removed two pieces of hair from Sadie's toe and within seconds there was silence. Success. Sadie was happy again.

The hair had broken the skin and so we treated the wound with Neosporin for a few days afterwards. We made it to synagogue and Sadie slept the entire time. Poor thing. Can you imagine what could have happened if my co-worker had not told me that story? Who ever heard of a hair tourniquet?? Apparently, it's a fairly well-known issue with babies. In any case, she's all better now and back to her happy self! Now I know why they say to wash your infant's clothes inside out!!

So back to the house thing. Saturday afternoon we saw a wonderful house that was just 3 miles from my office in the Cottonwood Heights section of Salt Lake City. It needed some updating but we felt it was a diamond in the rough. We bid on it. Last night we found out that we had successfully purchased a house in Salt Lake!




It's the most interesting layout inside that I have ever seen. I'll post more pictures later. There are FOUR levels inside and a two-level deck with a hottub in back. The views are indescribable, both from the deck and the driveway. It's on a cul-de-sac and VERY quiet! We are going to have time to update the floors and paint before we move in so it will be ready for the family in plenty of time! Settlement looks to be around February 21st and the move date sometime in March! We are close to starting our adventure!

Now if we can keep everybody's toes clean.....