Wednesday, August 30, 2006

It's a Female Dog

Today is Elijah's second day of his new life as a first grader. Yesterday was described by him as "the best day EVER" so it's been going well so far.

Most of you know by now from reading the blog for years, that he and I have a ritual each night. I lay in his bed with him for 30 or so minutes and we talk about everything from the latest transformer toys to the solar system. By the way, try explaining to your six year old why Pluto is not a planet anymore. I just told him it was demoted for non-performance.

Anyway, this past Sunday during our "laydown time" as he calls it, Elijah asked me a startling question.

"Daddy, what's a bitch?"

"It's what you call your new 1st grade teacher when she mouths off to you about your poor performance on the pop quiz she had no right giving you the day before."

Blogger does not let you put a thought cloud around quotes yet....if they did, there would be one around the quote above. Don't freak on me.

"One of the kids at the Montessori School used to say bitch all the time. What does that mean? Is bitch a bad word? Do we say bitch in the house? When is a good time to say bitch?"

I emphasize the 'b' in bitch because that's how he was saying it. It was almost like he was rubbing the word in my face over and over again.

"Bitch is a bad word, Elijah. We don't say that word around the house ever. You also don't say it outside of the house. It's the same level as asshole, jerkoff, dicknose, douchebag, fartknocker, scumbag and a host of other words we never say."

"What were those other ones, dad?"

"Get a pen."


Hannah recently told me what she wants to do when she's "growed up." I was so proud. She wants to be a pancake maker.

I briefly considered taking her out of the 3 year old class at the Montessori School right then. She does not need a day more of schooling! I think you can apply for a degree in pancake making after registering for preschool. The pancake industry only needs to see that you enrolled in preschool and you are in. Think of the money we will save!!

She actually made me pancakes last weekend and they were fantastic! Much better than the pancake maker at IHOP here in Salt Lake. She could take that person's job TODAY!!

Thing is, what is the mecca job for pancake makers? I mean, you start mopping the pancake batter at Denny's, then get promoted to Director of Pancake Making there. Then maybe a headhunter gets you interviews at Marie Callanders and IHOP. Maybe you take a Junior Directorship at IHOP for a few years and get your certification. Then what? At least you have initials next to your name, Hannah Borenstein CPM. Maybe she will invent a NEW pancake or revolutionize the whole pancake industry. Hmmmm....HannahCakes! Her ticket is secure!!

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