Monday, July 17, 2006

Yank, Snip, Sear

A man comes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I want a vasectomy." The doctor says, "Well, that's a big decision; have you discussed this with your family?" And he replies, "Yes, and they're in favor, 11 to 3."

So here I am at my office on a Monday. It's not like any other Monday in my office before, though. No - this is the very first Monday I have reported to work sterile. I limped in today with that grin on my face that says, "my scrotum was violated three days ago and I am LOVING LIFE!"

I had arrived at the Doctor's office happy and sad. Happy that I would finally take care of this and sad because I was about to intrude into the lives of two of my very best friends. I mean, there they are, never bothered anybody or anything. They spent their lives servicing me and tending to my needs. They never complained, never bitched about their living conditions, never spoke up about tight undies or hot car seats. They just did their jobs. Now, here I was, making a life changing decision for them without even bothering to ask. Well, that's not entirely true. While shaving the night before, I did mention a little apology and tried to prepare them for the trauma that was ahead.

The Doctor was terrific. I was on my back on the table. Bare from the waist down except for a excellently designed surgical paper/cloth thing with a neat hole cut in the middle for Pierre and the boys to peek through. I didn't look down in the direction for the entire 25 minutes of the procedure. The Doctor applied several solutions with cotton and started talking to me about pro basketball. He's a Jazz fan and he knew I was a Sixers fan so we talked hoops while he worked on me. He warned me of a few light pricks as he injected the stuff that numbs you. It was like getting shots of Novacain in your mouth except it was your scrotum instead.

Once I "numbed up", the Doctor, with his nurse assisting, started the procedure. Besides the banter about rebounds and Michael Jordan, all I heard was some actual snipping as the doc cut my innards. The sound of the snip was alarming. It sounded like when you cut one of those thin plastic thingys that attaches the price to a new pair of pants...except it's inside your scrotum. After the snip, I could smell the burning as the Doctor cauterized either end of the price tag wire and then pushed them back inside. My right side was less cooperative. I had scar tissue in there from a double hernia fix that I had 35 years ago. He apologized as he had to do "more manipulation" to get the right one done. Finally the snip. Then the burn. At that point, I thought we were done, save for the stitching up.

What are some of the worse sentences you can hear a Doctor mutter to his nurse while you are laying there having open-scrotum surgery? I guess the worse would be, "Whoa - quick - grab that before it bounces out of the room! 5 second rule!"

Before the doc stitched me up, he muttered to the nurse, "hold that skin there just for a second.." I got nauseaus for a second but managed to calm myself. The stitch followed and the Doctor announced that we were done.

He starts cleaning up and, I guess someone had called out that day, the doc asked ME to, "hold this really tight while we clean this up a bit." I reached my hand down and he put part of my scrotum in my hand and said to PINCH IT really hard. I just did I was told, being that I could not feel shit. There I was, laying there on a table squeezing my balls while a doctor and nurse cleaned up the crime scene and disposed of my vas deferens. I asked the doc if he had a camera.

The rest of the weekend was spent on the couch with my feet up. I iced my boys for ten straight hours after the procedure and have been wearing a jock to keep everything nice and tight since. People are asking me if I have pain and I really don't. The feeling is more like an annoying nudge down there, which is really what it should be because that's exactly what happened. I have just one stitch and it will dissolve on it's own. The doc wants to see me in eight weeks sporting a sample so he can see if all this worked. Between now and then, I need to ejaculate twenty times or more. NICE!

I want to thank Deb for taking such good care of me since the procedure. Her job started today and she's been a little stressed all weekend but still managed to make sure I stayed on the couch. Mom helped too before she left for home on Saturday.

Elijah asked me why I had the surgery and I told him so that we don't have anymore babies.

"Then why isn't MOM having the surgery - she's the one who has the babies."

"Don't you have a cartoon to watch now?" It's not time for the birds and bees just yet....

Nothing else is new. I had a vasectomy on Friday, Deb started her new job today and ALL THREE KIDS started their new programs today. No stress in my house at all. :-)

All three are doing great today. I just hung up with La Petite where Sadie is and they love her already. I am responsible for transporting Sadie and Deb handles Elijah and Hannah. They both go to the same place for the summer and it's just a mile from Deb's job so it's easy for her.

Mom went home on Saturday and left Elijah hysterical in the car because he didn't want her to leave. I felt terrible because I knew he would be OK within minutes of driving away from the airport but Mom would have to sit there waiting to board, by herself and thinking about him. He was fine as expected and Mom had a good flight and life is back to normal.

This weekend is a three day weekend for Utahns as they celebrate Pioneer Day. Our office will be closed on Monday and the state celebrates like it's the 4th of July all over again. This time there are twice as many fireworks, twice the celebrations, parades, etc. It's a state holiday. Even the banks are closed!

So that's all from Utah for now. Please say a prayer for my two best friends. May they rest in sperm-free peace.

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