Monday, April 25, 2005


Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile - initially scared me to death.
One of my favorite quotes of all time. Proves itself over and over and over again. I know the rules of no pain no gain but, man, sometimes I wonder about the gain! Everyone close to me knows that 2004 was a difficult year financially for us. Sales were all over the place at work, months were inconsistent, the company had just gone public and my job was changing. In October, I got a nice promotion and started to turn things around. Things have been better since then. I knew it would be a long process to climb out of the abyss we had fallen into but we had a plan and it's been coming around. We felt comfortable enough in February to book a trip to Disney with the Turer's for the week after Thanksgiving. We told Elijah and Hannah about the trip and they were so excited.....
When Deb and I were dating, like most young couples, we talked about kids. Deb always said she wanted three children. She says that it's one to replace you, one to replace your spouse, and one additional person to replenish the loss of life the Jews suffered in the Holocaust. No doubt, that's a wonderful reason and worthwhile for sure. My position was always TWO kids. One boy - one girl. It's a manageable family and, because of the relationship I have with my sister now, I know it works. Deb is one of four and so, to her, wanting three was reasonable. We always differed on this. Elijah was easy to conceive but Hannah was not. We needed extensive help from a specialist to get Hannah and, after all was said and done, the same renowned Doctor told us that if we ever wanted a third child to see him two months in advance so he could start Deb on the necessary cocktail of progesterone and such to get her body ready to conceive. So, the fact of the matter was that it would be an ordeal for us to get pregnant again; which I felt was in my favor because it would be easier for me to convince Deb that two was enough. Well, in early March, Deb and I had a date and were eating at Mikado and the subject came up. I was happy to hear that Deb was willing to table the topic of a third child until after the Disney trip because she would not want to go to Disney pregnant anyway. NICE! Got her to put it off for another 10 months! When we left that dinner I was happy because, although I would never tell Deb she could never have another child, it certainly was the biggest difference we had in our relationship and, for now, it was tabled for months. Relief!
"I think you should pick up a pregnancy test while your at the supermarket." I had not heard that in a loooooooong time. Deb was "late" and, even though she technically could not get pregnant (so we were told), she still felt like we should do a test. I protested but eventually gave in and brought one home. The next morning I was awakend by a voice, "It's positive."
Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile - initially scared me to death.
BUT I DIDN'T DO THIS!!! How could this be? We are not supposed to be able to conceive!?! First emotion, disbelief. Then shock. Anger. Resentment. Virtual hatred of everything that is the reproductive process. I withdrew. I was rude to Deb, I was a nasty person for days. Unaccepting of what was fact. Emotionally, I was spent by 10am each day. Between thoughts of bankruptcy (paying for another daycare) and guilt (why could this not be happening to my sister, who is trying so hard for her FIRST), and selfishness (what will become of my home office now that we need the room?) and did I mention, bankruptcy? Money has a funny way of playing games with you, emotionally. It makes you believe that your life is good, or that it sucks. Really. If you have a few extra bucks in the bank - it could rain for 6 hours and flood your basement and ruin your carpet and that's OK. When you're broke, that same rain will cause you depression for weeks. It's MONEY. Not life and death!! When you have a few extra bucks in the bank, your car could break down and need extensive work and it's OK. When you're broke, having to budget getting an oil change causes depression and feelings of despair and worthlessness. It's MONEY. Not life and death!! When you have a few extra bucks in the bank, surprise pregancies are blessings - gifts from God. When you're broke, they are cruel jokes...tests from upstairs on how a body can function when littered with ulcers, high blood pressure and extreme angst. It's MONEY. Not life...and.........well, wait a minute. It is indeed about life, isn't it? New life.
So after digesting all of this and working all of this out in my mind, I emerged from my self-imposed funk and decided I had two choices. One was to resent my new child and the other was to come to appreciate fatherhood more and agree that enlonging the period of diaper changing and pureed squash was, indeed, a gift from God. No need to stop and think about my decision. So there is going to be a new baby! A new bundle of joy. New smiles and new noises. Another set of first steps, first foods, first words. New college education, new daycare costs, new...STOP IT! Sorry....just leaks out sometimes. :-) I am happy. Truly. I am OK with it now. It's funny because everytime somebody else hears the news, they immediately look at me, knowing my stance on three kids, and give me that know the look. It's the look that says "wasn't the goalie SUPPOSED to stop the shots?" Everyone is concerned that I will not be happy with this. They were right for a time. But not anymore. Financially, it will work itself out. We will just be further strapped. When people ask why we are eating tuna fish out of a can with no mayo for breakfast, lunch and dinner, we will just have them look at the triangle table in the kitchen and observe the Cherios on the floor and they will understand....
So today is our 7th wedding anniversary. Seven years! Sometimes I am hard on myself because I feel I am a bit of a couch potato but then I think...before we have our 8th wedding anniversary we will have had three children, owned two houses, owned SIX cars, had five jobs and STILL manage to sit down for an hour and watch Deadwood every Sunday night...and be thankful about it. I am only a couch potato when I have TIME to be a couch potato! Happy Anniversary Huddy. I love you and I love our children. ALL of them.
So we are still going to Disney..just not until January. Elijah didn't seem to mind much because "I'd rather have a little brother." I am happy he gets it....even though he has no idea what the gender of this baby is.
"Elijah, you know there is a baby in Mommy's tummy. When you were in there we called you Peabody and when Hannah was in there we called her Deuce. What should we call this one?"
Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile - initially scared me to death.
It's going to be OK. It's going to be worthwhile. I know it will.

1 comment:

Foxxy One said...

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Hey, am I the first comment on your blog?