Friday, August 19, 2005


Elijah's young life has been marked by distinct sections when it comes to his passions and interests. In his first years, he was into Baby Einstein and Bear in the Big Blue House. Now his life is literally consumed by Star Wars. He's become an expert at all things Star Wars and even competes with the adults at Star Wars Trivial pursuit. He's Jedi E.

The time between his Bear in the Big Blue House, Buzz Lightyear, and Star Wars phases was spent idolizing super heroes. He loved Superman especially but collected all the figures and watched the Justice League all day long. For some reason, and I'm sure many Dad's feel this way, there is a sense of "man, if I could only fly through the air with a cape and defeat Lex Luthor then maybe he will look at ME the same way he looks at Superman." I always wondered what that feeling would be like....what if Elijah thought of me as a SUPER HERO......

It was Sunday night and Deb was sleeping next to me. Elijah and Hannah were tucked in, sound asleep and I was on my bed watching 'Entourage' on HBO. Sometime in the middle of the show (around 10:15 or so), I heard a scratching noise just for a second on my bedroom door, which we keep closed at night. It diverted my attention for just a second and then I continued watching the show (it's one of my favorite shows). I thought it was Elijah and he would either come into my room complaining he could not sleep or just go back to his bed. I didn't hear the sound again. The show ended at 10:30 and I eventually turned off the TV around 11:00. Now that there was complete silence in the room, I could more easily fall asleep.....


I tossed and turned for several hours completely unable to fall asleep. No real reason. Probably this whole Utah thing and worrying that everything would be pulled off know - typical job related stress. I finally started to get sleepy around 1:00. It was a hot night and I was hearing various noises outside. Living in a lot of trees results in hearing a lot of noises. At one point, I heard the pitter patter of what I thought was a squirrel galloping across my roof. It's kinda spooky late at night in the summertime in my house because of all these noises.....

So I finally fall half asleep...and about 1:25 I was awaken by a VERY distinct scratching noise. Similar to the one at the bedroom door but MUCH more clear and this time coming from Debbie's side of the bed. I jump up. Deb jumps up at the same time. She heard it too. If I had been wearing underwear I would have had to change them right away. Deb handed me a mini-flashlight and I got on the floor. I was expecting to see mouse eyes staring back at me. We had mice in our old house so I really was not all that freaked that point. So I scanned the floor of the room with the flashlight and saw nothing but a few stray toys, a pacifier, and a six-month old peepee diaper that I hoped, for just a second, was indeed walking itself to the garbage can. Nothing.

So, thinking we were hearing things we settled back in bed and I got cozy and ready to fall back asleep. Deb was awake at that point and cannot fall asleep without the TV on so she grabbed the remote and clicked on the TV. 'Entourage' was on HBO again and she began to watch it...

Remember when you were a young kid, you used to play that game with your hands and the shadows on the wall? You would make a dog or a wolf with your hands and it would appear on the wall as a ten-foot monster and scare the living crap out of you? Sometimes you would make a huge bird and make flapping noises with your mouth to add realism while this 200 pound killer vulture flew past you on the wall. Remember that flapping noise???????

FLAP FLAP FLAP. Deb yelps and bounces up as I turn over...JUST IN TIME to see the 200 pound shadow of a vulture flap past my TV screen. Circling the room and it's prey as it prepares to strike. "There's a bird in the room!!," Deb yelped as she covered herself with the blanket. I jumped out of the bed and got downstairs so fast I still have no idea how I got there. Next thing I knew I was standing in the living room with every single light in the house on. Oh yeah, somehow I had my underwear on at this point as well.

Deb was smart. She ran down the hall and closed the kid's bedroom doors. Elijah's ceiling fan was on full speed and how gross would THAT have been? Deb ran downstairs and Jonathan Livingston Seagull followed close behind. We both started doing laps around the inside of the house for no reason....screaming. I yelled for Deb to get me a broom and propped the front door wide open so more birds could come in and join us. I figured I would swat this thing out the door and be the hero. Just then I heard Deb half-crying from the kitchen. She was sitting on the floor near the family room steps grabbing her ankle and yelling that she twisted it. Tears were coming from her eyes. Screams were coming from my mouth as I ran past her full speed with my straw broom screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Then it hit me...

What bird would be wide awake at 1 in the morning?

Just like that my whole demeanor changed. I went from shooing a stray blackbird from my house to trying to stab a blood-sucking vampire bat through the heart. I thought of grabbing a knife. Still doing laps around my downstairs with the straw broom the thoughts of my neighbors waking up and taking notice of what was going on hit me. Door wide open, 1:45 in the morning, underwear clad husband screaming "get the fuck out of my house" while swinging a straw broom while his crying, seven-month pregnant wife lay lame on the ground clutching her ankle and unable to move.......I was going to jail because a fruit bat lost it's way and ended up in my bedroom.

Finally, Deb got up and I ordered her upstairs and into the bedroom. By the time she limped upstairs, both kids were up. They all went into my bedroom and closed the door. Elijah wanted to know why Daddy was screaming and yelling bad words. Deb told him there was a big moth flying around and Daddy was trying to neutralize it. That's a great visual I want my son to keep with him for life. Then again, if Elijah ever knew there was a bat in the house, he would need therapy to ever have a chance of sleeping again.

So the bat and I ended up in my living room. It was shooting from one end of the room to the other....just six feet off the ground and whizzing past my head. At every pass, I would swat at the thing with a broom that was six times it's size.....and miss. I felt like Bugs Bunny in that Who's on First cartoon when he swings and misses at every pitch 4 times. I sounded more like Monica Seles on every swing, grunting so families in Utah could hear a preview of the new neighbors they would be getting soon.

Finally, on a wild backswing, I made contact. The rodent hit my broom, then the wall and then..thud...on the ground. I was sweating so much I was shining up the room. I closed the door and got my breathing down to a normal level. I decided to get a plastic bag, sweep the bat into it and dispose of it. I got the bag and approached the carcass...

Did you ever walk up to a sleeping cat and scream, scaring the shit out of it? What happens? Exactly - it jumps on all fours about 3 feet in the air and lands 10 feet backwards with it's fangs drawn and tail in the air.

About two steps from Lucifer it started flapping it's wing and screaming. I am not exactly sure how I ended up in the garage but that's where I woke up.

So I come back into the living room and the bat is still there on the ground....injured and certainly not able to move. I decided there was not an exterminator that would come out at 2:20 in the morning. So, I did what every homeowner would do to protect his family....I covered the bat under a Calphalon Soup Pot. Ever use a Calphalon Soup Pot? It weighs about 30 pounds. Of course, an injured fruit bat would be able to lift it easily so I weighted it down with two more soup pots and a 10 pound fire extinguisher. It looked like a 5 foot metal tee-pee.

I went upstairs and into my bedroom. My family was staring at me. Mouths agape. Complete silence. "WELL???" Deb asked. "We are OK....for tonight." Nothing like making your family feel safe, right?

The next morning, the exterminator came and took care of the bat.

I was putting Elijah to bed the next night. I was laying next to him and he said,

"Dad, you were soooo brave yesterday catching that moth!!"

"Yep, Elijah, it was very brave. I am here to protect my family, son. I will make sure there is never any evil here. EVIL NEVER WINS! Mommy is cleaning the sheets now and I'll be able to go back to my room soon as well."

"Dad - you were like a SUPER HERO!"

"Call me.........BATMAN."

1 comment:

Foxxy One said...

Ok, I think I may have just pee'd myself laughing! That is too funny!