Thursday, December 29, 2005

Homeless and Living in Grand Central Station

Call ABC, NBC, CBS or FOX right away. We have the PERFECT situation comedy / reality show opportunity for them!! It's on Country Club Drive in Cherry Hill, NJ. The ratings will be THROUGH THE ROOF!! The Neilson people will bronze a statue of us!! David Letterman will invite us to perform on Stupid Human Tricks! We can make MILLIONS!!!

We are homeless. For the first time since 1998, we do not have a mortgage. No electric bill, water bill, sewage, NOTHING! Of course, we had to set up a wireless network at Mom's and put a DVR in our room (notice I didn't call it our BEDroom - just our ROOM because that's where we LIVE). Heck, with the wireless internet and DVR in our room - there's no reason to LEAVE! When we DO leave is when the fun starts. That's when the cameras should start rolling...

The door closes to our room and we can see Luis and Elijah in THEIR room. Elijah is playing his GameBoy and watching "Land Before Time, Part 22" on the TV. Luis is next to him holding a plate of chicken nuggets that he brought upstairs from the kitchen because Elijah refused to eat them because they were not in the shape of DINOSAURS. Luis calls me on my cellphone to tell me that Elijah is in danger of getting said nuggets force fed to him through his sphincter in 2 minutes if he does not eat them willingly. I tell Luis to make sure they have ketchup on them first or that would hurt like hell.

Down the hall in Mom's office we see 5-year old Sofia playing with her new Barbie while Sabrina is on the computer working on her thesis. The topic is why American men suck.

Mom and Dad's bedroom is occupied by a toddler bed. In the toddler bed is a napping Hannah - innocent and ALWAYS happy. The sanity of the house is restored with one line "It's a BEEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL day!"

Downstairs in the kitchen, there needs to be multiple cameras. One focused on Dad trying to figure out his new Senseo coffee maker. "I've pushed every freakin button on this thing 4 times. Where's my coffee?" "Did you read the instructions, Dad?" "No." Dad provides the most intense humor in the house because even the slightest disruption of his routine (like removing 5% of the pulp in his orange juice) causes the earth to change it's rotation. When we put digital cable in the family room, the new remote almost caused Dad to enroll in therapy. I think he's told me FIFTEEN times in the week we have been there, that he will be reverting BACK to the rabbit ears, SPRUCER BOX cable system the SECOND we leave the house. He's only happy when he can hit the side of the TV to improve the reception.

Luis comes down to the kitchen to make his four turkey sandwiches for lunch. He's still hungry after that so he cooks up some spinach and egg and while he rocks out to Poison and Whitesnake.

Mom comes home and cooks dinner for everyone. Salad, green beans, spinach, brussel sprouts, carrots, collared greens, broccoli, celery, broccoli robb, radishes, peas, lima beans, beets, and cauliflower served on a bed of cabbage and endive and garnished with flaxseed oil and wheat germ. Dad gets up from the table and causes the room to gasp when he adds salt and a dollop of butter on his radish. Mom nearly has an anxiety attach but Luis brings her the oxygen tank just in time. Cut to a commercial.

When we return, Dad is retreating to the couch to catch this week's episode of '24' but yells in to Debbie to help him find the right channel on the remote. Before she leaves, he tells her she can take the cable system with her when she moves out.

At 8pm, Elijah is still working on his Mac & Cheese. It's been two hours. Mom tells me that I am too fat and in the next sentence offers me up a slice of 4-layer ice cream cake with a side of Crisco and bacon fat. The audience is rolling at this point.

I clear my throat and Mom runs over with a gallon of chicken soup and some sliced potatoes to wrap around my head. Buba says they take the sick out of you. "I'm not sick, Mom. I cleared my throat because I had a piece of wheat germ stuck down there." Mom demands I drink the chicken soup (after she skims the fat off it) and then tells me to check my testicles. The credits roll.

Viewers can't WAIT for the coming attractions for next week's episode in which Candice secretly replaces Dad's remote with a mango and tells him it's the latest in technology. Dad spends 5 minutes trying to use it to watch 'Law and Order'. Elijah runs up from downstairs where he's been on a 4-day Star Wars Playstation binge and asks if chicken nuggets come in Darth Vader shapes. The cliffhanger occurs when all three bathrooms are occupied and Luis needs to poop.


Stay tuned for another episode of..... "The Real World: Borenstein's" Come to think of it...we ought to seek out the movie rights too....

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