Sun, Snow, School and Snails

Time is moving along quite quickly here in what I consider to be the single most beautiful place I have ever seen inside the United States. You can never get tired of waking up and walking into the kitchen for breakfast and looking out your window at miles of snow capped mountains.

Anyway, here's an update on what's going on since my last post...

The movers were successful in moving 18,000 pounds of our stuff into the house. For the most part, everything transferred very well. However, after about two hours of moving, the crew called me outside. I knew it was not good news. Turns out our 2-year old, 57" TV was completely totaled in the move. Some doofus back home thought it would be a good idea to pack a 200 pound DESK on top of it for the 2,200 mile trip. Done. It completely SUCKS. We were so looking forward to watching some good hi-def TV after three months and now this... So....thank goodness we have the complete replacement option in the insurance for the move so we SHOULD get a new TV out of this. Of course, the company will argue that it can be fixed and we will face weeks of arguing...I'll keep you all posted. Of course, when I called to check on the claim yesterday, I was told to call back on Friday. It's starting already...

The house looked in shambles the day of the move....

There were boxes everywhere and it looked like there would be WEEKS of work to be done. However, we decided that we would work slowly and take as long as we would need. It was a good decision. Tonight, as I write this, we are about 50% completed. The kitchen was first and that took two days by itself.

Sadie ate cereal for the first time!

I started in the new office Monday and things are crazy in there setting up the office and ordering supplies and such. My first three hires flew to Philly today to begin an intensive 2.5 week training and they will start with me in the office on April 17th. THAT'S when the fun starts!

So I promised I would post a few shots of our life in the skanky hotel. Four of the most uncomfortable days of our lives.

Things were pretty tight and we didn't have much room to do much of anything...

However...while Deb and I were fighting every moment to keep composed and calm, the kids thought it was the greatest time they ever had. They got to sleep with us and eat at restaurants three meals a day. When we got back to the room at night, they kept us sane...

They stayed happy while we were cursing Mother Nature for snowing a million inches right where our truck was. They are awesome.

So, now it's Day six and we are settling in quite nicely. The weather has been absolutely stunning....except for today. It rained on and off and the mountains got over two feet of snow (or as the skiers would say, "two feet of fresh powder"). I will put some scenery photos up in the coming days.

So we all know that when it rains, the earthworms come out to say "Hi!" Tonight, as I was taking out the trash at around 7pm, I noticed about fifty of the creepy crawlers on our walkway. It was amazing - I have never seen so many worms in one place! I ran into the house to get Elijah and Hannah and they came outside to look at them with me. Two steps outside and Elijah shouts, "SNAIL!!!" and, sure enough, right there resting on a piece of carpet, was a slimy snail! I have never seen one live before. We got down real close on the carpet and I put our new digital camera to the test. Elijah named him Shelly. Isn't she cute?

I should have moved her but I decided to let her be. I just hope I don't step on Shelly when I leave for work in the morning!

There's one more picture I want to share with you. It was a few nights before we left. Our friends had some pizza for us and Lynne baked the most amazing, Utah shaped cake EVER. I leave you with this picture until next time! Good Night!!

The Walls are Closing In....

Our week continues here in beautiful, sunny Salt Lake. First, some observations from the last four days and then the continuing story of our journey here. (As a bit of a spoiler, I will let you know that the story as it now stands has us STILL here in this hellhole of a "hotel" tonight.)

So, those observations....

• Every woman is pregnant. Seriously. Every single woman, with the exception of my wife, in the state of Utah is pregnant. I've only seen one hospital. Where are they all born?
• Everyone is so sweet here it's like I am living in the movie Fargo. You walk into Einstein Bagels and the woman greets you like you are her long lost cousin. They practically HUG you here. In McDonalds, the woman at the counter actually explained to me how their store works and why their store is so different than the others in the area. Then she gave me my heart attack on a plate and wished me a great day. Incredible. (If Mom is reading this, substitute McDonalds with Salad Works).
• It's 50 degrees out and, unless you have been here, you have no idea what that feels like. People ALL OVER are wearing shorts and flip flops. SHORTS AND FLIP FLOPS!! That's just the way people live out here...in shorts and flip flops. We are not wearing jackets most of the time because, although it may be cold, it's not "chilly" if you know what I mean. It's just cold....nice, calm, dry cold. Perfect weather. My windows were open today.
• Policemen take your height and weight when they pull you over. See below for more on that.
• Finally, and this may be the most incredible thing about Utah, you never get machines when you call businesses. HUMANS ANSWER THE PHONE HERE!! I called the cable company - Comcast - the phone rang twice and a man answered, "Hello, Comcast!" Deb called the DMV - the freaking DMV!!! - and a human answered the phone and then answered all her questions WITHOUT transferring her ONCE!!!! Go figure!

We registered Elijah for Kindergarten and his first day was Wednesday. I was pulling up to the school and I noticed police lights flashing behind me. The conversation that transpired was nothing short of extraordinary (think Fargo again here for the accents...)

"Afternoon Sir, how ya doin' today?"

"Good, officer. And you?"

"Terrific! Hey listen, the reason I pulled ya on over today was 'cause you were speeding there. I had ya clocked at 37 in a 25 zone there. That's 12 miles over the speed limit there."

"Ouch"

"Hey - can I take a peek at yer license and registration please?"

(I panic....I realize I left that damn....sorry....dagum rental papers in the hotel room. In Philly I would be roughed and calling my one relative. In Utah.....)

"Gee - you know that happens all the time!! People forget those papers back in the hotel and that's OK. I'll be right back."

(he goes back to his car for about 45 seconds. The next part is what really sticks with me...)

"OK sir - I am going to issue you a written warning there sir. No fine, no points, no worries. You don't gotta show up in court for this here. Just a warning."

"Thank you officer"

"OK, sir, can I get your height please?"

"OK....6 feet"

"GREAT!! Can I get your WEIGHT PLEASE?"

(what the fuck? a policeman is asking for my weight?)

"Gee, officer, that's a LOADED question!"

(laugh - HE LAUGHS TOO!)

"Drive safe now, OK Sir? Welcome to Utah and I hope you have a great stay with us."

I wanted to get the guy's phone number and invite him and his family to dinner.

Anyway, Elijah LOVES school. He has Mrs. Carter and he's fitting in nicely after just two days.

I REALLY feel bad for the kids because we've been sleeping in this tiny room for 4 nights. Thank goodness - at 8am tomorrow the orange truck is supposed to pull up to the house and dump all my shit there. TOMORROW we will move in - 3 days behind schedule but all the stronger for it.

Just in the last 11 hours we have:

• Gotten Debbie a drivers license (I could not get mine because my social security card is on the damn truck)
• Had $376 in groceries delivered to the house by Albertsons.
• Dropped another $250 in Costco on more groceries.
• Received two awesome packages - TWO DOZEN bagels from our dear friends the Vincoffs and an amazing TREE from Aunt Helene.
• Gone to the potty 11 times and changed 3 poopie diapers.
• Gone to Smiths grocery store and bought some more odds and ends.

We are exhausted.

So....I need to post some pics for all of you!! Got some good ones already from here in our skanky hotel room.

More updates later. I need some sleep - there is a place next to Elijah on the bed waiting for me!!

Love you all!!

24 Hours We Will Never Forget

It's just after 10pm on Tuesday night and my internal clock is still not right. Everyone is sleeping and I am here typing on the laptop in our hotel room. I am not even tired, despite the fact that I slept just 4 hours last night and little the night before.

The trip out here was (still is) certainly memorable. I will try to recap to this point....

We woke up at 5am on Monday and loaded the cars. Left the house in two cars (Mom and Dad each drove) with our SEVEN pieces of checked luggage and FIVE carry-on bags perfectly on time at 6am. The security line stretched halfway to Canarsy (as Mom would say) and we made it through in about 30 minutes. The flight to Minneapolis was just perfect. The kids were wonderful and I think I dozed off for a bit. We had to walk eleven miles from terminal to terminal in Minneapolis so that we could board our Mini-Cooper aircraft to Salt Lake City. This thing sat 48 people......THIN people. We piled on and after taking BOTH kids to the potty TWICE, a man approached me (sitting with Sadie on my lap) and indicated with dread, that the window seat was his. I got up to let him in, my head brushing against the CEILING of the plane, and noticed the pain in his face. "I know what you're thinking and, you have to believe me, it won't be that bad." Trying to calm the nerves of a baby-scared airline passenger is funny and sad at the same time. I could have told him I had six bombs taped to my testicles and he would have been more at ease.

The flight to Salt Lake on the go cart was an hour late and extremely uncomfortable. The man sitting behind me was 300 pounds and smelled like he had some old shrimp lodged deep within his beard. Thank goodness Sadie pooped - it took the smell of shrimp away.

We realized something was very wrong after 20 minutes at the baggage claim yielded 4 pieces of luggage. Two car seats and Deb's massive suitcase - missing. We filed claims and Delta lent us two car seats that must have been made for sumo wrestling families. I didn't know whether to install them in a car, or take them home and bathe the kids in them. Our stroller was missing an important piece and my suitcase had a hole punched through it like someone was checking to see if I was trying to smuggle pickled herring and lox into Utah.

Alamo was a breeze. I told Deb I never had an easier time renting a car. There was a reason for that. I never did rent it at all. You see, 5 minutes into our drive to the hotel, my cell phone rang. It was the brain surgeon from Alamo telling me that I never signed my contract for the minivan I just stole from the lot and can I come back and sign them now. I was pissed at this point. I told him that I was in the middle of East Bumblecrap and could not turn around...it was his fault that he let me leave while he made google eyes at the once-in-a-lifetime blonde bombshell that was behind me and needed help learning how to start her car.

Yes, you read right - I said East Bumblecrap. If I were in ANY OTHER PLACE in the entire solar system than Utah, I would have said East Bumblefuck and probably followed that up with a "you stupid snot nosed douchebag" but, I caught myself. I live in Utah now and I have to be nice. Whatever. The rocket scientist ended up DRIVING to my hotel with my unsigned contracts so I could sign them.

The best part was yet to come. My cellphone rings. It's Joe - my moving van driver....

"Hi Mr. Borenstein. It's Joe - your moving van driver."

"Hi, Joe. How are you today?"

"Are you already in Utah? If not, can you delay your flight?"

Again, I am a Utah resident now. NO BAD WORDS. I was good. Turns out that Joe is stuck in Nebraska and Route 80 is CLOSED due to the massive snowstorm that's all over CNN. What makes it worse, is that he is just 40 miles from where the road closed. 40 miles from freedom. He "may" be delayed from Wednesday to Friday with 16,000 pounds of my shit.

I spoke to Joe again this afternoon. He's in Nebraska, the same 40 freaking miles from open road that he was 24 hours ago. In his words, he will be "lucky" to get here on Friday. OK. Deb has no clothes, I have 3 pair of underwear and the kids have a bunch of odds and ends. That's gonna be GREAT. I can't yell at Joe, though, because he sincerely feels bad.

So last night at midnight, Delta shows up here at my hotel with our stuff. Things are looking up. Today we spent hours at the house just sitting on the floor and opening all of our mail. Hannah's new Princess bedroom set arrived and our new internet phones did too (Vonage!). We planned out where all our furniture was going to go when it gets here. Then I thought about every material possession of mine being stuck on an orange truck in a blizzard in Nebraska and I got nauseous.

We have eaten six consecutive meals at various fast food joints and tonight it was a pleasure eating a shrimp spinach salad at Applebees. The kids are eating well, despite the amount of chicken nuggets. We decided to borrow some pots from the hotel tomorrow and make a dinner at our house. We bought some stuff at Target tonight to make dinner with. The BIGGEST target in the free world, I might add. It has a grocery store attached to it. An entire, fully stocked grocery store with prepared foods and a Starbucks and everything. Niiiiiice.....

We officially put the hotel on notice that we aint going anywhere for a few days so we continue to live in a one bedroom efficiency until Mother Nature stops being a bitch and opens the damn road.

I am tired all of a sudden....I think the Grande-Triple Espresso-Skim-Cinnamon Dolce Latte is wearing off. Try ordering THAT without stuttering! Good night everyone and look for updates tomorrow or Thursday. Peace.

Fun With Utah

This week has been very difficult. It's been like a Farewell Tour for us. Every night, we are dining with different family and friends. Each night ends in tearful hugs and promises of Utah visits. We still have tonight, tomorrow and Sunday to go but, at this point, we are ready to start our adventure in Salt Lake City.

I was going to post another mushy story about how wonderful our friends are. We've been having dinner with them almost all week and we are so lucky in that respect. The cake that Lynne made for us was absolutely incredible and I will post a picture here later. However, I decided to make this post a little more light hearted and share with you some of what we will be experiencing out in Utah.

YOU MIGHT BE LIVING IN UTAH IF:

Sandals are the best-selling shoes.

You have to ask for the uncensored version of "Titanic."

Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.

You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running. Then they come in fourth.

You live on Redwood Road, but there are no redwood trees, or any trees for that matter.

The local NBA team is named after the entire state instead of a city.

Schools stay open, even if two feet of snow falls overnight, but close for the opening of hunting season.

People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.

There is a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.

You go to a wedding reception where the bride isn't pregnant, but her mother is.

People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery.

In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.

Beer drinkers don't shop on Sunday.

When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks are standard.

Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.

"Temple recommends"are acceptable identification for cashing a check.

The July 4th celebration lasts 20 days.

More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.

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I've heard them all by now...

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?
A: Because thirty-six is just too many.

It goes on and on....

YES - I saw "that show on HBO" this past Sunday. It's on after the Soprano's and it's called BIG LOVE. It's about a Utah polygamist (Bill Paxton) and his life with three wives and kids, all living in three houses next to eachother. Of course, I am watching it. It's funny because in the first five minutes of the show they mention that the family lives in the Wasatch Valley. That's exactly where we are going to be living. I'll be on the lookout for Bill!

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously, she says -

Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"

Brigham Young: "I am."

I am Stuck on Band-Aid and Band-Aid's Stuck On Me

I am sitting in my bed. It's 10:54 on Monday evening and a thought just raced through my head. ONE WEEK from this very moment, every single material item my family owns, with the exception of some underwear, assorted clothes and some toiletries, will be on a truck moving at 60 miles per hour on Route 80 somewhere in western Pennsylvania on it's way to Salt Lake City, Utah. My family will be sleeping here in Cherry Hill, NJ getting ready to spend our last week as residents of this town for a LOONG time. What a strange feeling.

Part of me is just freaked out that I have a couple of days to PACK everything up in the house to get it ready for the truck. Dad brought home ten boxes from his store today to help us out. Mom cried once today; Deb twice.

With each passing day, I find myself becoming more and more ready for this move. Deb and I had a conversation today and I realized that my emotions are so different from hers and there are legitimate reasons for that. For starters, she is HERE in the house all day long. She talks to the family, spends time with the kids, etc. I am at work. Deb says it's like pulling a Band-Aid one hair at a time...you know that once it comes off it's going to feel fine....it's the getting the darn thing off that hurts like hell. When we get out there I am going to be working long hours. I will be occupied by the job and Deb will be home with the kids. It's going to be tougher for her to leave and tougher for her to adjust out there. She has been great throughout all this - really incredible, actually. I am lucky to have her. I just hope the Band-Aid comes off as smoothly as possible.

Forget UTAH for JUST a Second....

OK so we have around three weeks to go...but let's forget that just for a second. I want to take a second to plug a new project.

Just Us Dads is a new weblog I put together that will feature posts written by Dads about their experiences as a father. There are LOTS of Mommy blogs out there and just not enough Daddy ones.

I've recruited a bunch of Dads and we are going to post some things and hope to get some good discussion and feedback going. So - head on over to Just Us Dads and bookmark it!!

OK...we now return to our regularly scheduled blogging....