Follow the Snow Brick Road
From when I step foot in my office every morning until I leave around 5:30 every day, I must get 20 questions about when I am leaving for Utah. "So when are they sending you out there?" "Got a move day yet?" "When is the office finally opening?"
Next to questions about me being a Jew in Utah, it's the most common conversation subject. I should just get a t-shirt that says "Soon to be ten Jews in Utah" on the front. Up to now, I didn't know what I would put on the back. However, I can now announce for certain that the back of that t-shirt can read, "The Adventure Begins - March 20, 2006".
The other night, Deb and I were sitting around and I told her we had to finalize this thing because we needed to let the movers know and start the process of helping everyone grieve. I am half joking on that last part but the truth is that there are a lot of people saying some very touching things to us these last few weeks. I knew we would be missed but I never thought it would be like this. I won't get too mushy here but I can tell you that we are really feeling the love these days. It's nice on one hand and, of course, on the other hand it makes it more tough to go. Deb has had her crying spots and after every one she reassures me that she's excited about getting out there but the actual move it becoming more and more real. I know. It's not going to be easy but we've had lots of time to prepare and there are exciting times coming!!! So - I won't dwell on this too long. Just wanted to let everyone know that March 20 is the day.
We settle on our house tomorrow! We signed all the papers today and had them notarized. They are going to Utah by FedEx in the morning. Our first mortgage payment in four months will be due on April 1st. It's good to be a homeowner again. I've now owned more homes than my parents have in their lifetime!
It's amazing - when Deb has a sad moment and cries a little, Elijah always runs over to her and comforts her. He says everything is going to be fine. He hugs her. It's adorable. I really think he's ready for this move. He will start school immediately and karate as well. We also just got some good information on the JCC Summer Camp out there so he will spend some weeks doing that this summer. He's been wonderful about all this.
Hannah just wants to take a purple plane to Utah. Nothing else matters. Purple plane. I keep thinking about her on the Soul Plane to Utah.....
More updates coming soon. Gotta get some sleep now. Night.
WAIT!! I almost forgot....
My bud Jules from Tales From the Stirrups tagged by butt and now I have to answer these questions...
Four jobs I've had in my life:
1. Working at Dad's retail store, C&J Discount (I was the 'J'!)
2. Working for an advertising company placing ads on the sides of NJ Transit buses (Aunt Helene got me that job)
3. Bill Collector!! Three companies. Yes, I had a few alises (Paul Britton and Randy Jackson to name a few)
4. Selling gold plated jewelery business to business. The biggest waste of time EVER.
Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. About Last Night
2. Anchorman
3. Planes Tranes and Automobiles
4. Girls Gone Wild Volumes 1-80 (does this count as 1?)
Four places I have been on vacation (in order of favorites):
1. Carribean cruise. Ahhhh......
2. Disney! (headed back this October!)
3. Mexico
4. Israel
Four websites I visit daily:
1. MelodicRock.com
2. CNN
3. ESPN
4. Philadelphia Daily News
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Sushi of any kind
2. Beef Stroganoff
3. Deb's milanesa and pude
4. Mom's chicken soup
Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. None. Right here in my bed next to Deb is just fine!
2-4. See above.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
This Little Piggie
Time is flying by so fast and so much is happening! Here's the update...
Deb, Sadie and I spent four days in Utah last week. We were on a house hunting trip. Elijah and Hannah stayed home with my parents (thanks guys!) and we took Sadie for her first flight. The flight was great - Sadie was amazing - and our first day looking at houses was very interesting. We looked at about a dozen houses all around Salt Lake City and saw some very nice potential houses. Friday morning we got back together with our realtor and went to see another house before our realtor had to go attend other business. We spent the rest of the day together and attended services at the synagogue at night. Notice I say "the synagogue"? That's because I don't need to specify which one because there really is JUST ONE. Anyway, the Rabbi knew we were coming and pointed us out in the congregation. After the service, dozens of people came to introduce themselves and we got into some great conversation. In the car back to the hotel, we made a crucial decision.
Without going into TOO much detail, it's safe to say that Salt Lake City is not the most diverse place to live. I wrote about that here. Well, after speaking with so many of the congregants at the synagogue on Friday night, it was obvious we had to live as close to the city as we could afford. We would have to sacrifice some of the things we wanted in a home so that we could live in a more diverse setting and make life easier for the kids at school and for social life in general. We decided that we would completely shift our requirements for the house and when we arrived at Remax on Saturday morning to see more houses, they were all within a few miles of the city. Well, the results on Saturday were fantastic. More details on the whole house thing in just a minute...
Trackback to Friday afternoon. We had most of the day to ourselves and planned on relaxing at the hotel and previewing more houses online before going to synagogue at 6:30. Well, sometime after 3pm or so, Sadie got fussy. Not a big deal - babies get fussy all the time. Well, Sadie has never been fussy for more than 10 or 15 minutes before. This time, she didn't stop crying. At times, her crying got severe and it was nearly impossible to console her. Deb and I traded off 5 minutes trying different things. We thought she was hungry so we tried a bottle; but Sadie only ate an ounce before crying again. We thought she had gas so we layed her on her back and pumped her legs to help her; but that only made her cry more. After she finally fell asleep for about 30 minutes, we thought we were in the clear. Not the case. Sadie woke up crying worse than before and we were close to either calling a Doctor or driving to the emergency room when Deb made a joke that turned out to be not such a joke after all!
You see, a few weeks ago a co-worker of mine came into my office and told me about the strangest emergency room visit I have ever heard. His infant daughter had somehow gotten her toe tangled up with a hair that was in her sock and the hair wrapped itself around her toe a bunch of times, cutting through the skin and becoming sort of a tourniquet. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctors had to remove the hair under magnification with a special tool. The case of this "hair tourniquet" was so rare, that other doctors in the hospital asked to watch the procedure because they never get to see such a thing. Strange, right? I told Deb about what happened that night and, although the poor little girl was fine, she could have lost her toe from the wayward hair.
Well, while we were trying the thousandth method to get Sadie to calm down, and realizing that we probably were NOT going to synagogue that night, Deb looked at me in an attempt to break the tension and said, "maybe she has a toe tourniquet." We both chuckled. Well, Deb pulled off Sadie's sock and....viola! Blood. "Oh my God. She DOES!"
Deb touched it and Sadie screamed in pain. I ran down to the front desk and borrowed a pair of scissors. Deb had a tweezer in the room. We thought we had a shot of removing it ourselves because the hair was actually wrapped around TWO toes in a figure eight formation so there was room to try and cut the hair between her toes. I held Sadie down and Deb did the operation. She removed two pieces of hair from Sadie's toe and within seconds there was silence. Success. Sadie was happy again.
The hair had broken the skin and so we treated the wound with Neosporin for a few days afterwards. We made it to synagogue and Sadie slept the entire time. Poor thing. Can you imagine what could have happened if my co-worker had not told me that story? Who ever heard of a hair tourniquet?? Apparently, it's a fairly well-known issue with babies. In any case, she's all better now and back to her happy self! Now I know why they say to wash your infant's clothes inside out!!
So back to the house thing. Saturday afternoon we saw a wonderful house that was just 3 miles from my office in the Cottonwood Heights section of Salt Lake City. It needed some updating but we felt it was a diamond in the rough. We bid on it. Last night we found out that we had successfully purchased a house in Salt Lake!
It's the most interesting layout inside that I have ever seen. I'll post more pictures later. There are FOUR levels inside and a two-level deck with a hottub in back. The views are indescribable, both from the deck and the driveway. It's on a cul-de-sac and VERY quiet! We are going to have time to update the floors and paint before we move in so it will be ready for the family in plenty of time! Settlement looks to be around February 21st and the move date sometime in March! We are close to starting our adventure!
Now if we can keep everybody's toes clean.....
Time is flying by so fast and so much is happening! Here's the update...
Deb, Sadie and I spent four days in Utah last week. We were on a house hunting trip. Elijah and Hannah stayed home with my parents (thanks guys!) and we took Sadie for her first flight. The flight was great - Sadie was amazing - and our first day looking at houses was very interesting. We looked at about a dozen houses all around Salt Lake City and saw some very nice potential houses. Friday morning we got back together with our realtor and went to see another house before our realtor had to go attend other business. We spent the rest of the day together and attended services at the synagogue at night. Notice I say "the synagogue"? That's because I don't need to specify which one because there really is JUST ONE. Anyway, the Rabbi knew we were coming and pointed us out in the congregation. After the service, dozens of people came to introduce themselves and we got into some great conversation. In the car back to the hotel, we made a crucial decision.
Without going into TOO much detail, it's safe to say that Salt Lake City is not the most diverse place to live. I wrote about that here. Well, after speaking with so many of the congregants at the synagogue on Friday night, it was obvious we had to live as close to the city as we could afford. We would have to sacrifice some of the things we wanted in a home so that we could live in a more diverse setting and make life easier for the kids at school and for social life in general. We decided that we would completely shift our requirements for the house and when we arrived at Remax on Saturday morning to see more houses, they were all within a few miles of the city. Well, the results on Saturday were fantastic. More details on the whole house thing in just a minute...
Trackback to Friday afternoon. We had most of the day to ourselves and planned on relaxing at the hotel and previewing more houses online before going to synagogue at 6:30. Well, sometime after 3pm or so, Sadie got fussy. Not a big deal - babies get fussy all the time. Well, Sadie has never been fussy for more than 10 or 15 minutes before. This time, she didn't stop crying. At times, her crying got severe and it was nearly impossible to console her. Deb and I traded off 5 minutes trying different things. We thought she was hungry so we tried a bottle; but Sadie only ate an ounce before crying again. We thought she had gas so we layed her on her back and pumped her legs to help her; but that only made her cry more. After she finally fell asleep for about 30 minutes, we thought we were in the clear. Not the case. Sadie woke up crying worse than before and we were close to either calling a Doctor or driving to the emergency room when Deb made a joke that turned out to be not such a joke after all!
You see, a few weeks ago a co-worker of mine came into my office and told me about the strangest emergency room visit I have ever heard. His infant daughter had somehow gotten her toe tangled up with a hair that was in her sock and the hair wrapped itself around her toe a bunch of times, cutting through the skin and becoming sort of a tourniquet. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctors had to remove the hair under magnification with a special tool. The case of this "hair tourniquet" was so rare, that other doctors in the hospital asked to watch the procedure because they never get to see such a thing. Strange, right? I told Deb about what happened that night and, although the poor little girl was fine, she could have lost her toe from the wayward hair.
Well, while we were trying the thousandth method to get Sadie to calm down, and realizing that we probably were NOT going to synagogue that night, Deb looked at me in an attempt to break the tension and said, "maybe she has a toe tourniquet." We both chuckled. Well, Deb pulled off Sadie's sock and....viola! Blood. "Oh my God. She DOES!"
Deb touched it and Sadie screamed in pain. I ran down to the front desk and borrowed a pair of scissors. Deb had a tweezer in the room. We thought we had a shot of removing it ourselves because the hair was actually wrapped around TWO toes in a figure eight formation so there was room to try and cut the hair between her toes. I held Sadie down and Deb did the operation. She removed two pieces of hair from Sadie's toe and within seconds there was silence. Success. Sadie was happy again.
The hair had broken the skin and so we treated the wound with Neosporin for a few days afterwards. We made it to synagogue and Sadie slept the entire time. Poor thing. Can you imagine what could have happened if my co-worker had not told me that story? Who ever heard of a hair tourniquet?? Apparently, it's a fairly well-known issue with babies. In any case, she's all better now and back to her happy self! Now I know why they say to wash your infant's clothes inside out!!
So back to the house thing. Saturday afternoon we saw a wonderful house that was just 3 miles from my office in the Cottonwood Heights section of Salt Lake City. It needed some updating but we felt it was a diamond in the rough. We bid on it. Last night we found out that we had successfully purchased a house in Salt Lake!
It's the most interesting layout inside that I have ever seen. I'll post more pictures later. There are FOUR levels inside and a two-level deck with a hottub in back. The views are indescribable, both from the deck and the driveway. It's on a cul-de-sac and VERY quiet! We are going to have time to update the floors and paint before we move in so it will be ready for the family in plenty of time! Settlement looks to be around February 21st and the move date sometime in March! We are close to starting our adventure!
Now if we can keep everybody's toes clean.....
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
I am trying out this new media service! Let me know what you all think. This is a short clip of Hannah singing her Thanksgiving Song.
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Monday, January 30, 2006
Dial 'P' for Poop
Hannah is continuing her potty training and has been remarkably resilient. She has not had a single drop of anything in her panties and she regularly asks to go potty. She's even held it in on a few occasions while we were in transit. However, she is suffering a bit with ole #2 and is not quite there yet with being able to "let go."
She says, "Daddy, I have to poopy," and I take her to the bathroom. She sits down and less than 3 seconds later, she's getting up and announcing that "the poopy is stuck." We lift her pants and leave the bathroom and then, 5 minutes later, we are back in for the same routine. Of course, she is just nervous and get scared right at the moment so she needs to get used to it. To help her transition I am trying a variety of methods in the bathroom to keep her on the seat for more than 3 seconds.
First, I bring some books and magazines. I figure that it works for me, why not her? We read some Dr. Seuss, some Dora and some Blues Clues. No go. So then I try sitting on the floor next to the toilet and telling her stories I made up about her teachers. No go. This past Saturday, we went to Toys R Us and bought her a toy cellphone that flips open and makes all kinds of sounds. Cinderella was on it so she had to have it. Well, she carries this thing around with her all the time and that includes the potty. So we are in there for the 75th time in a span of 15 minutes the other night and, in desperation, I grabbed the cellphone. I opened it up and called the poop.
"Hello, Mr. Poopie? Hi, this is Hannah's daddy. Where are you? YOU ARE?? WOW!! When are you planning on coming out??? NOW???? OK - OK - bye - lemme tell Hannah...we will see you in a coupla seconds!!"
"Hannah - the Poopie packed his bags already and he's coming out of your tushie RIGHT NOW!!! He just told me!! Are you ready?"
I hope the Poopie family has Verizon because the peak time charges would be insane.
Oh, and by the way, it didn't work. Instead my daughter thinks I am absolutely insane and she doesn't bring her phone to the potty anymore.
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All my plumbing seems to be in order!
I met with Dr. Fallick on Friday morning and he checked me out good. I scheduled my procedure for March 31st. Why so late? Well, the earliest appointment was for March 17th but there was not another appointment close enough to mine so that Spencer and I could go together. The next available spot was the 31st. I may be in Utah by then so I may have to reschedule anyway. I hope not cause then I will have to find a new Doctor out there and with all the kids running around, I am not sure what the pickins will be like!!
Speaking of Utah, we are going out there on Thursday morning for our final "tune up". Deb and I have to pick some houses and start making offers on them. We are there for 4 days and should see a bunch to choose from. The plan is to get an offer accepted and more forward ASAP. When the settlement day arrives, so shall the Borenstein family in Utah.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, there have been many requests for more pictures on the site...so I decided to open an official Kodak Gallery in our name. You can access all of our pics right here and I will add the link to the sidebar of Jawdy's Basement as well. If you see a picture you like, you can even order them directly from our site! Have fun!!!
Hannah is continuing her potty training and has been remarkably resilient. She has not had a single drop of anything in her panties and she regularly asks to go potty. She's even held it in on a few occasions while we were in transit. However, she is suffering a bit with ole #2 and is not quite there yet with being able to "let go."
She says, "Daddy, I have to poopy," and I take her to the bathroom. She sits down and less than 3 seconds later, she's getting up and announcing that "the poopy is stuck." We lift her pants and leave the bathroom and then, 5 minutes later, we are back in for the same routine. Of course, she is just nervous and get scared right at the moment so she needs to get used to it. To help her transition I am trying a variety of methods in the bathroom to keep her on the seat for more than 3 seconds.
First, I bring some books and magazines. I figure that it works for me, why not her? We read some Dr. Seuss, some Dora and some Blues Clues. No go. So then I try sitting on the floor next to the toilet and telling her stories I made up about her teachers. No go. This past Saturday, we went to Toys R Us and bought her a toy cellphone that flips open and makes all kinds of sounds. Cinderella was on it so she had to have it. Well, she carries this thing around with her all the time and that includes the potty. So we are in there for the 75th time in a span of 15 minutes the other night and, in desperation, I grabbed the cellphone. I opened it up and called the poop.
"Hello, Mr. Poopie? Hi, this is Hannah's daddy. Where are you? YOU ARE?? WOW!! When are you planning on coming out??? NOW???? OK - OK - bye - lemme tell Hannah...we will see you in a coupla seconds!!"
"Hannah - the Poopie packed his bags already and he's coming out of your tushie RIGHT NOW!!! He just told me!! Are you ready?"
I hope the Poopie family has Verizon because the peak time charges would be insane.
Oh, and by the way, it didn't work. Instead my daughter thinks I am absolutely insane and she doesn't bring her phone to the potty anymore.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All my plumbing seems to be in order!
I met with Dr. Fallick on Friday morning and he checked me out good. I scheduled my procedure for March 31st. Why so late? Well, the earliest appointment was for March 17th but there was not another appointment close enough to mine so that Spencer and I could go together. The next available spot was the 31st. I may be in Utah by then so I may have to reschedule anyway. I hope not cause then I will have to find a new Doctor out there and with all the kids running around, I am not sure what the pickins will be like!!
Speaking of Utah, we are going out there on Thursday morning for our final "tune up". Deb and I have to pick some houses and start making offers on them. We are there for 4 days and should see a bunch to choose from. The plan is to get an offer accepted and more forward ASAP. When the settlement day arrives, so shall the Borenstein family in Utah.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, there have been many requests for more pictures on the site...so I decided to open an official Kodak Gallery in our name. You can access all of our pics right here and I will add the link to the sidebar of Jawdy's Basement as well. If you see a picture you like, you can even order them directly from our site! Have fun!!!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
When Poopie Has Deeper Meaning
What is the most satisfying moment of your life? Do you remember how you felt immediately after your feat? It's that euphoric rush that brings you to pump your fists, stand up and yell..
"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!"
OK, so maybe your exclamation varies from mine a little.
Point here is that last night, Hannah deposited her FIRST poopie into the pottie.It was not easy! She has been in Dora panties since Sunday morning. She just woke up on Sunday and said she didn't want diapers anymore. She had a small poopie accident at school on Monday and had not pooped since. Obviously there were some issues to be worked out there.
I remember Elijah having the same issues when he was potty trained. It was a few days before he began pooping on the pottie. For some reason, kids believe that part of their body is leaving them and they get so scared that it nearly makes them sick.
When Hannah came home from school yesterday and I heard she had not pooped for a second straight day, I knew that she was going through some of those emotions.
During dinner, she said she felt something. That set off a series of bathroom trips for the next 90 or so minutes. We would go in, Hannah would sit on the potty for 10 seconds, get freaked out and announce that "the poopy is stuck." Then she would stand there for a couple of minutes with me while I told her a story or read her a book. Then she would announce that she felt it again so it was back on the potty for 10 seconds......etc.
Finally we moved the operation upstairs to another bathroom and 10 minutes later.....
"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!!"
I screamed, Hannah screamed, Deb and Elijah and Sadie ran in the bathroom screaming. It was like we won the lottery. Afterwards I had that euphoric feeling I mentioned at the top of this post. What an accomplishment!!
Later on when Hannah was in her PJs and getting ready for bed, I gave her a hi-5 and told her we would now be known as the POOPIE PARTNERS.
I love having kids.
What is the most satisfying moment of your life? Do you remember how you felt immediately after your feat? It's that euphoric rush that brings you to pump your fists, stand up and yell..
"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!"
OK, so maybe your exclamation varies from mine a little.
Point here is that last night, Hannah deposited her FIRST poopie into the pottie.
I remember Elijah having the same issues when he was potty trained. It was a few days before he began pooping on the pottie. For some reason, kids believe that part of their body is leaving them and they get so scared that it nearly makes them sick.
When Hannah came home from school yesterday and I heard she had not pooped for a second straight day, I knew that she was going through some of those emotions.
During dinner, she said she felt something. That set off a series of bathroom trips for the next 90 or so minutes. We would go in, Hannah would sit on the potty for 10 seconds, get freaked out and announce that "the poopy is stuck." Then she would stand there for a couple of minutes with me while I told her a story or read her a book. Then she would announce that she felt it again so it was back on the potty for 10 seconds......etc.
Finally we moved the operation upstairs to another bathroom and 10 minutes later.....
"WE HAVE POOPIE!!!!!!!!"
I screamed, Hannah screamed, Deb and Elijah and Sadie ran in the bathroom screaming. It was like we won the lottery. Afterwards I had that euphoric feeling I mentioned at the top of this post. What an accomplishment!!
Later on when Hannah was in her PJs and getting ready for bed, I gave her a hi-5 and told her we would now be known as the POOPIE PARTNERS.
I love having kids.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
The Penal Code (or Is God Trying to Tell Me Something?)
I was born with a double hernia. I must have done some real heavy lifting in utero. At some point in month 5 or 6, I figure that I must have gone too far in trying to shift the placenta from one side of me to the other. Maybe I didn't bend my knees properly. Who knows. One thing is for sure and that is that my scrotum was vacant upon my birth.
At the age of 5, my parents decided it was time to fix the problem and I went for a consult and then surgery was scheduled. There would be two testicles removed from my lower abdomen and then inserted, wired and fastened within my scrotum. Two incisions in my abdomen and two in my scrotum. How many times can I use the word scrotum in one paragraph?
So, my parents decided on a surgeon they felt comfortable with. At age 5, I probably did not care at all who was doing it. I just wanted testicles. I wonder how concerned my parents were when they noticed the Doctor's name. Klutz.
That's right - Dr. Klutz was going to slice open my scrotum and connect my babymakers and insure that my parents would someday become grandparents. The surgery went well. I remember watching my meltoff stitches disappear in the bathtub. I remember that it took YEARS for the scars to disappear from my groin area. Yes, everything healed nicely. Yes, my parents were happy with the results. Yes, I was able to father children later on. BUT the fact that Dr. KLUTZ performed my double hernia surgery has always lingered in my mind. Every time I have a pain in my nether region, I panic. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I read a story about someone with testicle issues. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I look at my son's jewels and make sure everything is in place. DR. KLUTZ. It just won't go away......which is a fact that should not surprise me.......
My mom likes to tell the story of my circumcision. Rather then choose a professional Doctor who does circumcisions for a living, they decided to "hire" the butcher from the kosher deli down the street. The guy pulled up in a Harley and was weilding a machete in a sheath that went all the way down his leg. I think it was actually "Bill" from the Kill Bill movies. So, naturally the so-called Mohel says a few prayers and proceeds to slice my 1-week old johnson into pieces. Mom said the bleeding would not stop. She was afraid I was going to DIE. Imagine the guilt my poor mother must have felt. She hired a mohel who MURDERED her firstborn by severing blood vessels in his unprotected PENIS. 20/20 would have loved that story.
OK OK OK...so I embellished a little. Maybe it wasn't the butcher from down the street....and maybe there was no machete....but it felt like it! It IS true that my mother was scared for my life. The bleeding would not stop and my little weewee got infected. True story!! SO maybe it made complete sense that, when it came time to fix my hernia, the Doctor that was chosen was named Klutz.
Fast forward 32 years or so. Now, finally confident that my boys have done their job, I've decided to submit them to the ultimate sacrifice......DEATH. On January 27th, I will be in a urologist's office for a consultation. During that meeting, a date will be set for the ceremonial severing of my beloved vasa deferentia. In English - I am getting my nuts snipped.
It was hard to accept that this was going to happen at first. I was extremely happy and grateful for Dr. Klutz when my testes didn't run back the other way when the word vasectomy was first uttered. He must have done a good job closing the road to ball traffic because if there ever was a time for them guys to turn around and go back.....it was at that moment. However, now it has become very clear that if I want to have any evidence of an enjoyable sex life WITHOUT the possibility of more Borensteins, that I need to go through the simple process of getting my scrotum sliced open, vas deferens yanked out and CLIPPED, and then having them cauterized with a welding gun. Well, you don't have to believe MY description. Here is the exact description directly from the urologist's website:
They just make it sound so wonderful, don't they? I especially like the part about sutures and surgical clamps. Yeah - THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
But, I mean, it's not like I have not BEEN THERE before! I was BORN with that double hernia people!! Dr. Hannibal Lechter nearly turned me into John Wayne Bobbitt as a one-week old and then Dr. Klutz juggled my testicles OUTSIDE OF MY BODY before using twisties to put them back in place. To this day I have no idea if he accidentally DROPPED ONE. I mean, if he did drop one on the operating room floor, what would the nurses say? "You are such a Klutz, Doctor."??????????????
So what's the point? Well, it seems almost comical or ironic OR both.....however, again, not at all surprising when I discovered the name of the Doctor who will be sterilizing me for good next month. His name is Dr. Mark L. Fallick. Go figure.....a urologist named Fallick. Is that WRONG?
My first question to Dr. Fallick will be, "Why did you get into urology? Was it because your friends RODE you throughout your entire childhood and this is your way of getting back at them?" HA HA!!! Look at me!!! I am a urologist and my name is FALLICK!!!! Showed you all!
I wonder if Dr. Fallick knows Dr. Lechter or Dr. Klutz? Maybe they all attend the SAME SUPPORT GROUP. Either way, I hope this story ends with the simple sutures and clamps that all good stories end with. I just hope that Dr. Fallick does not look at my junk and say, "Hmmm..that looks like the work of Dr. Klutz." I can guarantee that if that happens, my boys will be running the other way faster than the Roadrunner trying to lose Wile E. Coyote.
Come to think of it.....haven't my boys been through ENOUGH procedures already? Soon they will be compared to Michael Jackson's face....and you know what they say about his nose, right?
I AM GOING TO HAVE A LEE PRESS-ON PENIS!!!!!!!
I need some frozen peas.....
I was born with a double hernia. I must have done some real heavy lifting in utero. At some point in month 5 or 6, I figure that I must have gone too far in trying to shift the placenta from one side of me to the other. Maybe I didn't bend my knees properly. Who knows. One thing is for sure and that is that my scrotum was vacant upon my birth.
At the age of 5, my parents decided it was time to fix the problem and I went for a consult and then surgery was scheduled. There would be two testicles removed from my lower abdomen and then inserted, wired and fastened within my scrotum. Two incisions in my abdomen and two in my scrotum. How many times can I use the word scrotum in one paragraph?
So, my parents decided on a surgeon they felt comfortable with. At age 5, I probably did not care at all who was doing it. I just wanted testicles. I wonder how concerned my parents were when they noticed the Doctor's name. Klutz.
That's right - Dr. Klutz was going to slice open my scrotum and connect my babymakers and insure that my parents would someday become grandparents. The surgery went well. I remember watching my meltoff stitches disappear in the bathtub. I remember that it took YEARS for the scars to disappear from my groin area. Yes, everything healed nicely. Yes, my parents were happy with the results. Yes, I was able to father children later on. BUT the fact that Dr. KLUTZ performed my double hernia surgery has always lingered in my mind. Every time I have a pain in my nether region, I panic. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I read a story about someone with testicle issues. DR. KLUTZ. Every time I look at my son's jewels and make sure everything is in place. DR. KLUTZ. It just won't go away......which is a fact that should not surprise me.......
My mom likes to tell the story of my circumcision. Rather then choose a professional Doctor who does circumcisions for a living, they decided to "hire" the butcher from the kosher deli down the street. The guy pulled up in a Harley and was weilding a machete in a sheath that went all the way down his leg. I think it was actually "Bill" from the Kill Bill movies. So, naturally the so-called Mohel says a few prayers and proceeds to slice my 1-week old johnson into pieces. Mom said the bleeding would not stop. She was afraid I was going to DIE. Imagine the guilt my poor mother must have felt. She hired a mohel who MURDERED her firstborn by severing blood vessels in his unprotected PENIS. 20/20 would have loved that story.
OK OK OK...so I embellished a little. Maybe it wasn't the butcher from down the street....and maybe there was no machete....but it felt like it! It IS true that my mother was scared for my life. The bleeding would not stop and my little weewee got infected. True story!! SO maybe it made complete sense that, when it came time to fix my hernia, the Doctor that was chosen was named Klutz.
Fast forward 32 years or so. Now, finally confident that my boys have done their job, I've decided to submit them to the ultimate sacrifice......DEATH. On January 27th, I will be in a urologist's office for a consultation. During that meeting, a date will be set for the ceremonial severing of my beloved vasa deferentia. In English - I am getting my nuts snipped.
It was hard to accept that this was going to happen at first. I was extremely happy and grateful for Dr. Klutz when my testes didn't run back the other way when the word vasectomy was first uttered. He must have done a good job closing the road to ball traffic because if there ever was a time for them guys to turn around and go back.....it was at that moment. However, now it has become very clear that if I want to have any evidence of an enjoyable sex life WITHOUT the possibility of more Borensteins, that I need to go through the simple process of getting my scrotum sliced open, vas deferens yanked out and CLIPPED, and then having them cauterized with a welding gun. Well, you don't have to believe MY description. Here is the exact description directly from the urologist's website:
The patient is given a local anesthetic to the scrotal area.
The surgeon will make 1 to 2 small incisions on either side of the scrotum and
pull the vasa deferentia through these incisions. The vasa deferentia are
severed and either tied or cauterized then secured with a suture or surgical
clamp.
They just make it sound so wonderful, don't they? I especially like the part about sutures and surgical clamps. Yeah - THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
But, I mean, it's not like I have not BEEN THERE before! I was BORN with that double hernia people!! Dr. Hannibal Lechter nearly turned me into John Wayne Bobbitt as a one-week old and then Dr. Klutz juggled my testicles OUTSIDE OF MY BODY before using twisties to put them back in place. To this day I have no idea if he accidentally DROPPED ONE. I mean, if he did drop one on the operating room floor, what would the nurses say? "You are such a Klutz, Doctor."??????????????
So what's the point? Well, it seems almost comical or ironic OR both.....however, again, not at all surprising when I discovered the name of the Doctor who will be sterilizing me for good next month. His name is Dr. Mark L. Fallick. Go figure.....a urologist named Fallick. Is that WRONG?
My first question to Dr. Fallick will be, "Why did you get into urology? Was it because your friends RODE you throughout your entire childhood and this is your way of getting back at them?" HA HA!!! Look at me!!! I am a urologist and my name is FALLICK!!!! Showed you all!
I wonder if Dr. Fallick knows Dr. Lechter or Dr. Klutz? Maybe they all attend the SAME SUPPORT GROUP. Either way, I hope this story ends with the simple sutures and clamps that all good stories end with. I just hope that Dr. Fallick does not look at my junk and say, "Hmmm..that looks like the work of Dr. Klutz." I can guarantee that if that happens, my boys will be running the other way faster than the Roadrunner trying to lose Wile E. Coyote.
Come to think of it.....haven't my boys been through ENOUGH procedures already? Soon they will be compared to Michael Jackson's face....and you know what they say about his nose, right?
I AM GOING TO HAVE A LEE PRESS-ON PENIS!!!!!!!
I need some frozen peas.....
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Homeless and Living in Grand Central Station
Call ABC, NBC, CBS or FOX right away. We have the PERFECT situation comedy / reality show opportunity for them!! It's on Country Club Drive in Cherry Hill, NJ. The ratings will be THROUGH THE ROOF!! The Neilson people will bronze a statue of us!! David Letterman will invite us to perform on Stupid Human Tricks! We can make MILLIONS!!!
We are homeless. For the first time since 1998, we do not have a mortgage. No electric bill, water bill, sewage, NOTHING! Of course, we had to set up a wireless network at Mom's and put a DVR in our room (notice I didn't call it our BEDroom - just our ROOM because that's where we LIVE). Heck, with the wireless internet and DVR in our room - there's no reason to LEAVE! When we DO leave is when the fun starts. That's when the cameras should start rolling...
The door closes to our room and we can see Luis and Elijah in THEIR room. Elijah is playing his GameBoy and watching "Land Before Time, Part 22" on the TV. Luis is next to him holding a plate of chicken nuggets that he brought upstairs from the kitchen because Elijah refused to eat them because they were not in the shape of DINOSAURS. Luis calls me on my cellphone to tell me that Elijah is in danger of getting said nuggets force fed to him through his sphincter in 2 minutes if he does not eat them willingly. I tell Luis to make sure they have ketchup on them first or that would hurt like hell.
Down the hall in Mom's office we see 5-year old Sofia playing with her new Barbie while Sabrina is on the computer working on her thesis. The topic is why American men suck.
Mom and Dad's bedroom is occupied by a toddler bed. In the toddler bed is a napping Hannah - innocent and ALWAYS happy. The sanity of the house is restored with one line "It's a BEEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL day!"
Downstairs in the kitchen, there needs to be multiple cameras. One focused on Dad trying to figure out his new Senseo coffee maker. "I've pushed every freakin button on this thing 4 times. Where's my coffee?" "Did you read the instructions, Dad?" "No." Dad provides the most intense humor in the house because even the slightest disruption of his routine (like removing 5% of the pulp in his orange juice) causes the earth to change it's rotation. When we put digital cable in the family room, the new remote almost caused Dad to enroll in therapy. I think he's told me FIFTEEN times in the week we have been there, that he will be reverting BACK to the rabbit ears, SPRUCER BOX cable system the SECOND we leave the house. He's only happy when he can hit the side of the TV to improve the reception.
Luis comes down to the kitchen to make his four turkey sandwiches for lunch. He's still hungry after that so he cooks up some spinach and egg and while he rocks out to Poison and Whitesnake.
Mom comes home and cooks dinner for everyone. Salad, green beans, spinach, brussel sprouts, carrots, collared greens, broccoli, celery, broccoli robb, radishes, peas, lima beans, beets, and cauliflower served on a bed of cabbage and endive and garnished with flaxseed oil and wheat germ. Dad gets up from the table and causes the room to gasp when he adds salt and a dollop of butter on his radish. Mom nearly has an anxiety attach but Luis brings her the oxygen tank just in time. Cut to a commercial.
When we return, Dad is retreating to the couch to catch this week's episode of '24' but yells in to Debbie to help him find the right channel on the remote. Before she leaves, he tells her she can take the cable system with her when she moves out.
At 8pm, Elijah is still working on his Mac & Cheese. It's been two hours. Mom tells me that I am too fat and in the next sentence offers me up a slice of 4-layer ice cream cake with a side of Crisco and bacon fat. The audience is rolling at this point.
I clear my throat and Mom runs over with a gallon of chicken soup and some sliced potatoes to wrap around my head. Buba says they take the sick out of you. "I'm not sick, Mom. I cleared my throat because I had a piece of wheat germ stuck down there." Mom demands I drink the chicken soup (after she skims the fat off it) and then tells me to check my testicles. The credits roll.
Viewers can't WAIT for the coming attractions for next week's episode in which Candice secretly replaces Dad's remote with a mango and tells him it's the latest in technology. Dad spends 5 minutes trying to use it to watch 'Law and Order'. Elijah runs up from downstairs where he's been on a 4-day Star Wars Playstation binge and asks if chicken nuggets come in Darth Vader shapes. The cliffhanger occurs when all three bathrooms are occupied and Luis needs to poop.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN??
Stay tuned for another episode of..... "The Real World: Borenstein's" Come to think of it...we ought to seek out the movie rights too....
Call ABC, NBC, CBS or FOX right away. We have the PERFECT situation comedy / reality show opportunity for them!! It's on Country Club Drive in Cherry Hill, NJ. The ratings will be THROUGH THE ROOF!! The Neilson people will bronze a statue of us!! David Letterman will invite us to perform on Stupid Human Tricks! We can make MILLIONS!!!
We are homeless. For the first time since 1998, we do not have a mortgage. No electric bill, water bill, sewage, NOTHING! Of course, we had to set up a wireless network at Mom's and put a DVR in our room (notice I didn't call it our BEDroom - just our ROOM because that's where we LIVE). Heck, with the wireless internet and DVR in our room - there's no reason to LEAVE! When we DO leave is when the fun starts. That's when the cameras should start rolling...
The door closes to our room and we can see Luis and Elijah in THEIR room. Elijah is playing his GameBoy and watching "Land Before Time, Part 22" on the TV. Luis is next to him holding a plate of chicken nuggets that he brought upstairs from the kitchen because Elijah refused to eat them because they were not in the shape of DINOSAURS. Luis calls me on my cellphone to tell me that Elijah is in danger of getting said nuggets force fed to him through his sphincter in 2 minutes if he does not eat them willingly. I tell Luis to make sure they have ketchup on them first or that would hurt like hell.
Down the hall in Mom's office we see 5-year old Sofia playing with her new Barbie while Sabrina is on the computer working on her thesis. The topic is why American men suck.
Mom and Dad's bedroom is occupied by a toddler bed. In the toddler bed is a napping Hannah - innocent and ALWAYS happy. The sanity of the house is restored with one line "It's a BEEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL day!"
Downstairs in the kitchen, there needs to be multiple cameras. One focused on Dad trying to figure out his new Senseo coffee maker. "I've pushed every freakin button on this thing 4 times. Where's my coffee?" "Did you read the instructions, Dad?" "No." Dad provides the most intense humor in the house because even the slightest disruption of his routine (like removing 5% of the pulp in his orange juice) causes the earth to change it's rotation. When we put digital cable in the family room, the new remote almost caused Dad to enroll in therapy. I think he's told me FIFTEEN times in the week we have been there, that he will be reverting BACK to the rabbit ears, SPRUCER BOX cable system the SECOND we leave the house. He's only happy when he can hit the side of the TV to improve the reception.
Luis comes down to the kitchen to make his four turkey sandwiches for lunch. He's still hungry after that so he cooks up some spinach and egg and while he rocks out to Poison and Whitesnake.
Mom comes home and cooks dinner for everyone. Salad, green beans, spinach, brussel sprouts, carrots, collared greens, broccoli, celery, broccoli robb, radishes, peas, lima beans, beets, and cauliflower served on a bed of cabbage and endive and garnished with flaxseed oil and wheat germ. Dad gets up from the table and causes the room to gasp when he adds salt and a dollop of butter on his radish. Mom nearly has an anxiety attach but Luis brings her the oxygen tank just in time. Cut to a commercial.
When we return, Dad is retreating to the couch to catch this week's episode of '24' but yells in to Debbie to help him find the right channel on the remote. Before she leaves, he tells her she can take the cable system with her when she moves out.
At 8pm, Elijah is still working on his Mac & Cheese. It's been two hours. Mom tells me that I am too fat and in the next sentence offers me up a slice of 4-layer ice cream cake with a side of Crisco and bacon fat. The audience is rolling at this point.
I clear my throat and Mom runs over with a gallon of chicken soup and some sliced potatoes to wrap around my head. Buba says they take the sick out of you. "I'm not sick, Mom. I cleared my throat because I had a piece of wheat germ stuck down there." Mom demands I drink the chicken soup (after she skims the fat off it) and then tells me to check my testicles. The credits roll.
Viewers can't WAIT for the coming attractions for next week's episode in which Candice secretly replaces Dad's remote with a mango and tells him it's the latest in technology. Dad spends 5 minutes trying to use it to watch 'Law and Order'. Elijah runs up from downstairs where he's been on a 4-day Star Wars Playstation binge and asks if chicken nuggets come in Darth Vader shapes. The cliffhanger occurs when all three bathrooms are occupied and Luis needs to poop.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN??
Stay tuned for another episode of..... "The Real World: Borenstein's" Come to think of it...we ought to seek out the movie rights too....
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Happy Birthday Elijah!!
I can't believe he's SIX!!! A bunch of us went to Lincoln Financial Field on Saturday to get a tour of the place and then went to Friendly's for ice cream. The Eagles field was very cool and we got to step on the field and tour the press box and the post-game conference room. They would not let us in the Eagles locker room because it was the day before a game. Still a good time was had by all and the Star Wars toys are piling up in the house!!!
Warm wishes and MAZEL TOV to our friends Julie and Marc (see Tales from the Stirrups) on the successful return home with their new son! He's gorgeous!
I don't wanna jinx anything here but it looks like our house has been sold! We are going through some typical attorney review/inspection issues now but it looks like closing will be NEXT FRIDAY. Just mentioning that makes my stomach hurt. I am not going to say much more yet but we are having movers come and pack up everything and store it until the final move to Utah in late March or early April. We will be taking up with the parental units until then. This means that we will be OUT OF OUR HOUSE by this time - next week. Gulp. I will update you all later on.
Meanwhile we have visitors!! Luis is back in town from Colombia and this time he brought Sabrina and her beautiful daughter Sophia. I will post pictures next time. They are staying with my parents until mid-January...which....means.....yes.....you got it. Sardines. Should be a fun couple of weeks.
Sadie sleeps 5-6 hours straight at night!! Deb is doing a phenomenal job with her schedule. I am convinced that any baby can spend a week with Deb and get on an excellent sleep schedule!
While we were at the link, I took some time in the Press Conference Room to introduce the new wide receiver for the Eagles next year. The press was there to take photos...
I can't believe he's SIX!!! A bunch of us went to Lincoln Financial Field on Saturday to get a tour of the place and then went to Friendly's for ice cream. The Eagles field was very cool and we got to step on the field and tour the press box and the post-game conference room. They would not let us in the Eagles locker room because it was the day before a game. Still a good time was had by all and the Star Wars toys are piling up in the house!!!
Warm wishes and MAZEL TOV to our friends Julie and Marc (see Tales from the Stirrups) on the successful return home with their new son! He's gorgeous!
I don't wanna jinx anything here but it looks like our house has been sold! We are going through some typical attorney review/inspection issues now but it looks like closing will be NEXT FRIDAY. Just mentioning that makes my stomach hurt. I am not going to say much more yet but we are having movers come and pack up everything and store it until the final move to Utah in late March or early April. We will be taking up with the parental units until then. This means that we will be OUT OF OUR HOUSE by this time - next week. Gulp. I will update you all later on.
Meanwhile we have visitors!! Luis is back in town from Colombia and this time he brought Sabrina and her beautiful daughter Sophia. I will post pictures next time. They are staying with my parents until mid-January...which....means.....yes.....you got it. Sardines. Should be a fun couple of weeks.
Sadie sleeps 5-6 hours straight at night!! Deb is doing a phenomenal job with her schedule. I am convinced that any baby can spend a week with Deb and get on an excellent sleep schedule!
While we were at the link, I took some time in the Press Conference Room to introduce the new wide receiver for the Eagles next year. The press was there to take photos...
So HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELIJAH!!! I hope to get more pictures of you like this in the coming weeks but I am afraid you are never going to put down the GameBoy we bought you!! WE LOVE YOU!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
JEEZ! It's Not THAT Bad!!
People love to put the fear of god in you. That's just human nature. When we announced we were expecting our third child, most people would congratulate us and then tell us one of the following things:
Meanwhile, Elijah is moving right along in Kindergarten and his 6th birthday is this weekend! We are going to Lincoln Financial Field for a tour on Saturday to celebrate. He's quite the Eagles fan! Hannah is learning to go on the potty and she's so incredibly lovable and squeezeable - it's awesome. She's all love all the time.
It's a BEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL DAY!!!!
Every morning when I go into Hannah's room to get her, I open her shades and she yells that statement out loud. I told her that EVERY day is a beautiful day and she loves telling me that every morning. "Look Daddy, it's raining REALLY hard and it's VEEERRRRY chilly outside but it's a BEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL DAY!!!! I love her.
Got a big month coming up with cousins Luis, Sabrina and Sophia coming from Colombia next week!! It's going to be a great holiday season!!!
Always more to come...
People love to put the fear of god in you. That's just human nature. When we announced we were expecting our third child, most people would congratulate us and then tell us one of the following things:
- Since your first two kids were so wonderful as infants, this one will DRIVE YOU TO DRINK and you will be in a sanitarium by the time you are 40.
- Well, there goes any chance of SLEEPING EVER AGAIN! Hannah and Elijah slept through the night at 9 weeks so this one is going to put you on SLEEP MEDICATION.
- Two was easy - each one of you is in charge of one. THREE? Forget it! It's like going from man-to-man defense to a ZONE. They are going to be all over the place. YOUR LIFE IS NOW OVER. GIVE UP. YOU ARE GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET AND YOUR KIDS ARE HOLDING THE HANDLE!! SURRENDER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look, people, y'all need to accept this as FACT: WE MAKE GOOD KIDS! We have the recipe and we cook 'em to perfection.
Sadie is a doll. Aside from being beautiful, she is peaceful and easy. She treats us like gold. JUST LIKE ELIJAH AND HANNAH DID!! Wow - did we defy the odds?
Sadie is sleeping at 3-5 hour clips at night, which is great. She's up to 4 ounces of formula for each bottle and she's up a lot during the day. She's going to be a month old in a few days!! Soon she will be smiling!!
Meanwhile, Elijah is moving right along in Kindergarten and his 6th birthday is this weekend! We are going to Lincoln Financial Field for a tour on Saturday to celebrate. He's quite the Eagles fan! Hannah is learning to go on the potty and she's so incredibly lovable and squeezeable - it's awesome. She's all love all the time.
It's a BEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL DAY!!!!
Every morning when I go into Hannah's room to get her, I open her shades and she yells that statement out loud. I told her that EVERY day is a beautiful day and she loves telling me that every morning. "Look Daddy, it's raining REALLY hard and it's VEEERRRRY chilly outside but it's a BEEEEEEEEEE-UTIFUL DAY!!!! I love her.
Got a big month coming up with cousins Luis, Sabrina and Sophia coming from Colombia next week!! It's going to be a great holiday season!!!
Always more to come...
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Party of Five
So now what?
Here we are....huddled around the TV....watching the Eagles game. In moments like this, it does not seem any different - two kids vs. three kids. Actually, so far, it's been pretty easy. Deb and I have been working the system while I've been home from work. Deb's been really bonding with Sadie and has taken on most of the duties with her while I have been concentrating on Elijah and Hannah. Tomorrow the test really begins when I go back to work and Deb is here all day with Sadie. I know she can do it, she's been incredibly amazing from day one of the pregnancy. She hasn't complained, hasn't "played the pregnancy card" at all and has maintained being a wonderful mom and wife at the same time. There were times during the pregnancy where Deb was more active and involved than before she was pregnant! You would never know!! I am proud of her. She's a terrific mommy.
Meanwhile, I've managed to spend alone time with both Elijah and Hannah this week - taking them shopping and on various errands outside and playing a lot with them here. They have both been very accepting in their own ways of Sadie and they are both very happy that she's here. Hannah tells everyone about her "little thithter" and then moves on to the next subject. I was feeding Hannah soup the other day and wanted to put a bib on her to protect her clothes and she pulled it away and said, "this is HERS! this bib is my little thithters!" Elijah is all over her - ALL THE TIME. Yesterday, Hannah's Godparents, Spencer and Lynne, were over and their daughter Sydney was leaning over Sadie. Elijah stepped in and said, "not too close to the face please, Sydney." He's so overprotective. Last night before bed, Elijah told us that if we needed help during the night, to wake him up and he would help us feed and change her. It was adorable.
Sadie has been sleeping for 3-4 hours at a shot at night, which is great. She gave us 5 hours once a few nights back. She's been easy to feed and falls asleep on her own each time. All we have to do is swaddle her and lay her in her bassinet. 30 minutes most. It's great.
We have had tens of people stopping over and bringing food. Right now, we have a dozen or so meals sitting in the fridge waiting to either be eaten or go bad. Hey - we can't eat everything!!! We have chinese food, two chickens, mashed potatoes, corn, beans, eggplant parm, briskit, roast beef and chicken salad in the fridge. Wanna come over?
So there you have it. It was a nice, easy week and Deb and I had a chance to relax, play video games and get some peace and quiet. Now it's time to get on with life!! Work at 8am tomorrow.
Speaking of work....a lot of you are wondering what's going on with me with the whold move thing. Well, I'll have more information for you all later this week but it appears that the move will be more like March or April 2006. Lots of reasons for this but I won't bother boring you with those. I'll update again later on in the week.
So thanks to all who have been here and helped us out this week. We are now a party of FIVE and yes, I can assure you, it will never be six. :-)
So now what?
Here we are....huddled around the TV....watching the Eagles game. In moments like this, it does not seem any different - two kids vs. three kids. Actually, so far, it's been pretty easy. Deb and I have been working the system while I've been home from work. Deb's been really bonding with Sadie and has taken on most of the duties with her while I have been concentrating on Elijah and Hannah. Tomorrow the test really begins when I go back to work and Deb is here all day with Sadie. I know she can do it, she's been incredibly amazing from day one of the pregnancy. She hasn't complained, hasn't "played the pregnancy card" at all and has maintained being a wonderful mom and wife at the same time. There were times during the pregnancy where Deb was more active and involved than before she was pregnant! You would never know!! I am proud of her. She's a terrific mommy.
Meanwhile, I've managed to spend alone time with both Elijah and Hannah this week - taking them shopping and on various errands outside and playing a lot with them here. They have both been very accepting in their own ways of Sadie and they are both very happy that she's here. Hannah tells everyone about her "little thithter" and then moves on to the next subject. I was feeding Hannah soup the other day and wanted to put a bib on her to protect her clothes and she pulled it away and said, "this is HERS! this bib is my little thithters!" Elijah is all over her - ALL THE TIME. Yesterday, Hannah's Godparents, Spencer and Lynne, were over and their daughter Sydney was leaning over Sadie. Elijah stepped in and said, "not too close to the face please, Sydney." He's so overprotective. Last night before bed, Elijah told us that if we needed help during the night, to wake him up and he would help us feed and change her. It was adorable.
Sadie has been sleeping for 3-4 hours at a shot at night, which is great. She gave us 5 hours once a few nights back. She's been easy to feed and falls asleep on her own each time. All we have to do is swaddle her and lay her in her bassinet. 30 minutes most. It's great.
We have had tens of people stopping over and bringing food. Right now, we have a dozen or so meals sitting in the fridge waiting to either be eaten or go bad. Hey - we can't eat everything!!! We have chinese food, two chickens, mashed potatoes, corn, beans, eggplant parm, briskit, roast beef and chicken salad in the fridge. Wanna come over?
So there you have it. It was a nice, easy week and Deb and I had a chance to relax, play video games and get some peace and quiet. Now it's time to get on with life!! Work at 8am tomorrow.
Speaking of work....a lot of you are wondering what's going on with me with the whold move thing. Well, I'll have more information for you all later this week but it appears that the move will be more like March or April 2006. Lots of reasons for this but I won't bother boring you with those. I'll update again later on in the week.
So thanks to all who have been here and helped us out this week. We are now a party of FIVE and yes, I can assure you, it will never be six. :-)
Monday, November 14, 2005
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Sadie the Pretty Baby!!!!
She's here!!!! I don't have much time so I am copying the e-mail I sent to friends and family here and will include some additional pics!!!
Hope to speak to you all soon!!!!
Dad (times 3!)
She's here!!!! I don't have much time so I am copying the e-mail I sent to friends and family here and will include some additional pics!!!
Hi all!!
Yesterday afternoon at 4:19, we welcomed the newest Borenstein into the world!
Her name is Sadie Pearl Borenstein and she weighed in at 7 pounds and 3 ounces. She was 18.25 inches long. Everyone is doing great and I still can’t believe this happened.
Hope to speak to you all soon!!!!
Dad (times 3!)
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
She's Almost Here!
OK - quick update here.
We saw the doctor today and we got confirmation that Deb is checking into Virtua Hospital on Friday morning around 10am!!
She will be put on a Petocin drip (she's already 2 cm dialated) and we will let nature take it's course!! I am predicting baby girl will be here by Saturday AM!!
We have the name too!!! Finally!!!!
I'll update here again soon!
Dad (times 3!)
OK - quick update here.
We saw the doctor today and we got confirmation that Deb is checking into Virtua Hospital on Friday morning around 10am!!
She will be put on a Petocin drip (she's already 2 cm dialated) and we will let nature take it's course!! I am predicting baby girl will be here by Saturday AM!!
We have the name too!!! Finally!!!!
I'll update here again soon!
Dad (times 3!)
Thursday, November 03, 2005
The Waiting is the Hardest Part
It seems like life is one big WAIT at this point. Littlefoot is fully cooked and whenever she's ready to join us is perfectly OK! Deb looks great and her last day at work is tomorrow. I am going to celebrate with her office at the end of the day and then it's WAIT time! We are scheduled to be induced on Friday the 11th unless Littlefoot comes sooner.
Most of you know by now that the move to Utah was slightly delayed due to construction and permit issues in our building in Salt Lake. It's good and bad. It's good because I get to be home more for Deb to help with Littlefoot. She does not have to worry about me leaving two weeks after the baby was born. Instead, it looks like we will be starting in early January and the official move will be in late January. It's bad because I am eager to get this business going!!! It's all good, though.
The house is still on the market. It's been eight weeks or so and we have lowered the price by about $15K but NONE of the houses in the hood are selling at all. The market STINKS!!! Still, no panic. We have another open house (our 4th) this Sunday and still hope to sell ASAP!!!
Halloween was hysterical. Elijah was Anakin Sywalker and Hannah was Cinderella. She was a TROOPER!! She walked up to each house and said "TRICK or TREAATTTTTTT" and got TONS of candy. She konked out a few blocks from home and I carried her the rest of the way. I don't have a picture handy here but here is one of Elijah (not his Halloween costume).
Short and sweet today....I need to post more and I want to but I am on limited time today and have to get to Hannah's back to school night!!
LITTLEFOOT IS COMING SOON!!! :-)
It seems like life is one big WAIT at this point. Littlefoot is fully cooked and whenever she's ready to join us is perfectly OK! Deb looks great and her last day at work is tomorrow. I am going to celebrate with her office at the end of the day and then it's WAIT time! We are scheduled to be induced on Friday the 11th unless Littlefoot comes sooner.
Most of you know by now that the move to Utah was slightly delayed due to construction and permit issues in our building in Salt Lake. It's good and bad. It's good because I get to be home more for Deb to help with Littlefoot. She does not have to worry about me leaving two weeks after the baby was born. Instead, it looks like we will be starting in early January and the official move will be in late January. It's bad because I am eager to get this business going!!! It's all good, though.
The house is still on the market. It's been eight weeks or so and we have lowered the price by about $15K but NONE of the houses in the hood are selling at all. The market STINKS!!! Still, no panic. We have another open house (our 4th) this Sunday and still hope to sell ASAP!!!
Halloween was hysterical. Elijah was Anakin Sywalker and Hannah was Cinderella. She was a TROOPER!! She walked up to each house and said "TRICK or TREAATTTTTTT" and got TONS of candy. She konked out a few blocks from home and I carried her the rest of the way. I don't have a picture handy here but here is one of Elijah (not his Halloween costume).
Short and sweet today....I need to post more and I want to but I am on limited time today and have to get to Hannah's back to school night!!
LITTLEFOOT IS COMING SOON!!! :-)
Monday, October 10, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Spicing Up the Routine
Elijah is growing up so fast and it's freaking me out. He's beginning to understand metaphor and the hidden meaning behind things we say and it's becoming more difficult to "talk in code" when he's around.
I've also found pleasure in teaching him some phrases that are not quite inappropriate yet bring out a shocking reaction in those he says them to. I know, I am a mother's worst nightmare....
Several months ago, I gave Elijah a cup of juice and he said "Thanks Dad." I took that opportunity to give him an alternative response and told him that "Spanks" had the same meaning as "Thanks." So next time we were in Target and we paid for his Star Wars figurine, he took the bag from the cashier and said, "Spank you very much." I gave him a hi-five as the cashier tried to comprehend what just happened. Priceless.
I am getting more and more tired of the term "potty." Who invented that word anyway? Millions of kids around the world are announcing that they "have to go potty" to their parents four times a day. Let's spice it up a bit!! A few weeks ago, Elijah went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I asked him if he was pinching a loaf. He said, "I am going potty." OK. When he stood up I pointed at the results in the toilet and told him "that's a nice loaf!" Ahhhh....now he gets it. Well....kinda....
Next time Hannah smelled funny, Elijah ran up to me and shouted, "Hannah made a REALLY BIG pinch-a-loaf!"
Now he gets it. Now, when we are sitting at the dinner table and he's eating fishsticks (or fish dicks, as Hannah puts it), he excuses himself from the table the RIGHT way, "Daddy, I have to go pinch a loaf. I'll be right back." That's my boy!
When I was growing up, parents would get extremely upset at their kids when they said something "sucked" instead of "stunk." What's the damn difference? Is "suck" a bad word?
Last night, I told Elijah at bedtime that he was going back to school Thursday (he had been off for Rosh Hashana). He gave me a look and said "that SUCKS." I didn't correct him. It was shocking and hysterical. Why should I blast him for that? I mean, if he had said "School? Ew Dad, that fuckin' sucks ASS" then I would have to have a talk with him, right? "That sucks" is not that big a deal to me. As a matter of fact, it's pretty damn funny.
******************************************************************
The Happy and the Sad
The Happy
My sister-in-law Sandra delivered a baby girl last night at 1 in the morning. Daniela Alberti. Sandra spent the better part of three hours before going to the hospital sitting on my couch making noises that, had my eyes not been open, could have harkened back to the night when the baby was conceived. Thank goodness the seriousness of the evening was tempered by Sandra's husband Steve, who, in a roughly seven-minute section of the night, managed to send his wife into all-out labor by leaving a stink bomb in my bathroom that that nearly put MY WIFE in to pre-mature labor. Elijah would say that Steve pinched the entire Wonder Bread factory. Needless to say, my couch was spared of bodily fluids (though my sink was not) and Sandra was successfully transported by her coach (Amy), bo-legged husband and parents to the baby hospital and had the baby 3 hours later. Arianna has a sister! Congrats on the healthy delivery and everyone's bad if we don't recommend Steve's method as an alternative to petocin.
The Sad
"Our Pasquale is no longer in pain."
This was the e-mail many of us received on September 29th from my mom. Pasquale (Pat) Pasquerella passed away peacefully after fighing lung cancer for nine months.
Patty was my father's best friend. One of the only true friends he's ever had. Patty's wife, Nora, has been my mom's best friend for 35 years. They all grew up together. This was not supposed to happen this soon, but life has a way of throwing us a curveball every once in a while.
Deb and I went to the viewing on Sunday night and, there in the room, were most of the people I had grown up with in my younger years. Some I had not seen in ten years. Amazing how death brings people together.
We will never forget Patty's laugh. Rest in peace.
*******************************************************************
Utah Update
It's getting closer and closer and our house has NOT SOLD YET! We are not in panic mode yet but it's getting more and more evident that I will be living in a Residence Inn in Salt Lake City for a period of time before we buy a house out there. I am travelling on October 16th for several days to recruit and house hunt. I have 15 interviews scheduled in a 2 day period and hope to assemble a staff that is ready to start training in Philadelphia on November 3rd. That's when the RUSH starts....fasten your seatbelts!
That's all for now. Here is a picture from Candice's birthday party...
Elijah is growing up so fast and it's freaking me out. He's beginning to understand metaphor and the hidden meaning behind things we say and it's becoming more difficult to "talk in code" when he's around.
I've also found pleasure in teaching him some phrases that are not quite inappropriate yet bring out a shocking reaction in those he says them to. I know, I am a mother's worst nightmare....
Several months ago, I gave Elijah a cup of juice and he said "Thanks Dad." I took that opportunity to give him an alternative response and told him that "Spanks" had the same meaning as "Thanks." So next time we were in Target and we paid for his Star Wars figurine, he took the bag from the cashier and said, "Spank you very much." I gave him a hi-five as the cashier tried to comprehend what just happened. Priceless.
I am getting more and more tired of the term "potty." Who invented that word anyway? Millions of kids around the world are announcing that they "have to go potty" to their parents four times a day. Let's spice it up a bit!! A few weeks ago, Elijah went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I asked him if he was pinching a loaf. He said, "I am going potty." OK. When he stood up I pointed at the results in the toilet and told him "that's a nice loaf!" Ahhhh....now he gets it. Well....kinda....
Next time Hannah smelled funny, Elijah ran up to me and shouted, "Hannah made a REALLY BIG pinch-a-loaf!"
Now he gets it. Now, when we are sitting at the dinner table and he's eating fishsticks (or fish dicks, as Hannah puts it), he excuses himself from the table the RIGHT way, "Daddy, I have to go pinch a loaf. I'll be right back." That's my boy!
When I was growing up, parents would get extremely upset at their kids when they said something "sucked" instead of "stunk." What's the damn difference? Is "suck" a bad word?
Last night, I told Elijah at bedtime that he was going back to school Thursday (he had been off for Rosh Hashana). He gave me a look and said "that SUCKS." I didn't correct him. It was shocking and hysterical. Why should I blast him for that? I mean, if he had said "School? Ew Dad, that fuckin' sucks ASS" then I would have to have a talk with him, right? "That sucks" is not that big a deal to me. As a matter of fact, it's pretty damn funny.
******************************************************************
The Happy and the Sad
The Happy
My sister-in-law Sandra delivered a baby girl last night at 1 in the morning. Daniela Alberti. Sandra spent the better part of three hours before going to the hospital sitting on my couch making noises that, had my eyes not been open, could have harkened back to the night when the baby was conceived. Thank goodness the seriousness of the evening was tempered by Sandra's husband Steve, who, in a roughly seven-minute section of the night, managed to send his wife into all-out labor by leaving a stink bomb in my bathroom that that nearly put MY WIFE in to pre-mature labor. Elijah would say that Steve pinched the entire Wonder Bread factory. Needless to say, my couch was spared of bodily fluids (though my sink was not) and Sandra was successfully transported by her coach (Amy), bo-legged husband and parents to the baby hospital and had the baby 3 hours later. Arianna has a sister! Congrats on the healthy delivery and everyone's bad if we don't recommend Steve's method as an alternative to petocin.
The Sad
"Our Pasquale is no longer in pain."
This was the e-mail many of us received on September 29th from my mom. Pasquale (Pat) Pasquerella passed away peacefully after fighing lung cancer for nine months.
Patty was my father's best friend. One of the only true friends he's ever had. Patty's wife, Nora, has been my mom's best friend for 35 years. They all grew up together. This was not supposed to happen this soon, but life has a way of throwing us a curveball every once in a while.
Deb and I went to the viewing on Sunday night and, there in the room, were most of the people I had grown up with in my younger years. Some I had not seen in ten years. Amazing how death brings people together.
We will never forget Patty's laugh. Rest in peace.
*******************************************************************
Utah Update
It's getting closer and closer and our house has NOT SOLD YET! We are not in panic mode yet but it's getting more and more evident that I will be living in a Residence Inn in Salt Lake City for a period of time before we buy a house out there. I am travelling on October 16th for several days to recruit and house hunt. I have 15 interviews scheduled in a 2 day period and hope to assemble a staff that is ready to start training in Philadelphia on November 3rd. That's when the RUSH starts....fasten your seatbelts!
That's all for now. Here is a picture from Candice's birthday party...
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
It's Becoming REAL!
Each day that passes, the reality of moving to Utah becomes more and more real. Last week, after spending a few days in Denver at our office there, I met Deb at the Salt Lake airport for the start of a three day neighborhood-hunting visit. It was both of our's first trip to Utah ever.
The first thing I noticed that was different was at the Hertz counter. The woman welcomed me to Utah and smiled at me. I knew right away that I was not in Philadelphia. I said this to her and she laughed. I wanted to give her a hug and a kiss! We stayed at the Residence Inn directly across from where my office will be. We went to bed almost immediately because we had a big day planned with the realtor on Friday.
Friday morning after breakfast, we met our realtor for the first time. Sheila Gelman has been in Utah since 1971 after moving from...Philadelphia! She's been in real estate since 1979 and knows every area like the back of her hand. She was a dream and made everything so easy for us. We spent the next seven hours or so getting in and out of Sheila's Audi looking at houses and taking notes.
One thing is for certain: Utah is the single most beautiful place I have ever seen in America. No question. EVERYWHERE you look - mountains. Not hills and small peaks...I am talking MOUNTAINS. Just for example - here is a picture of one of the many houses we looked at. The view is virtually the same at every place we saw.
The first half day was really eliminating a bunch of neighborhoods for one reason or another. We want to live in a more diverse area and our best bet is closer in to the city of Salt Lake. The further out you venture, the less diverse the community is. The statement that Mormons dominate Salt Lake is absolutely false. We learned a lot of things out there and this was one of them. First off, the Mormons are very wonderful people and very accepting of outsiders. Specifically, they are very close with the Jews. Seeing a Church of LDS on every three street corners can be a bit intimidating, however, they become part of the backdrop after a few days. Besides, the Ward Houses, as they are called, are absolutely immaculate. Beautifully landscaped and mostly newer buildings, the LDS Ward Houses merely add to the curb appeal of the city. They are some of the most gorgeous structures there.
The city has one real synagogue, Kol Ami. The picture here shows the view from the parking lot.
There are 300 families that belong to the ONLY synagogue. So different from here! We plan on joining right away. It's important to make immediate bonds with some of the Jewish families out there so we can continue to bring the kids up in a Jewish world.
Some interesting facts about our trip and about Salt Lake City:
Each day that passes, the reality of moving to Utah becomes more and more real. Last week, after spending a few days in Denver at our office there, I met Deb at the Salt Lake airport for the start of a three day neighborhood-hunting visit. It was both of our's first trip to Utah ever.
The first thing I noticed that was different was at the Hertz counter. The woman welcomed me to Utah and smiled at me. I knew right away that I was not in Philadelphia. I said this to her and she laughed. I wanted to give her a hug and a kiss! We stayed at the Residence Inn directly across from where my office will be. We went to bed almost immediately because we had a big day planned with the realtor on Friday.
Friday morning after breakfast, we met our realtor for the first time. Sheila Gelman has been in Utah since 1971 after moving from...Philadelphia! She's been in real estate since 1979 and knows every area like the back of her hand. She was a dream and made everything so easy for us. We spent the next seven hours or so getting in and out of Sheila's Audi looking at houses and taking notes.
One thing is for certain: Utah is the single most beautiful place I have ever seen in America. No question. EVERYWHERE you look - mountains. Not hills and small peaks...I am talking MOUNTAINS. Just for example - here is a picture of one of the many houses we looked at. The view is virtually the same at every place we saw.
The first half day was really eliminating a bunch of neighborhoods for one reason or another. We want to live in a more diverse area and our best bet is closer in to the city of Salt Lake. The further out you venture, the less diverse the community is. The statement that Mormons dominate Salt Lake is absolutely false. We learned a lot of things out there and this was one of them. First off, the Mormons are very wonderful people and very accepting of outsiders. Specifically, they are very close with the Jews. Seeing a Church of LDS on every three street corners can be a bit intimidating, however, they become part of the backdrop after a few days. Besides, the Ward Houses, as they are called, are absolutely immaculate. Beautifully landscaped and mostly newer buildings, the LDS Ward Houses merely add to the curb appeal of the city. They are some of the most gorgeous structures there.
The city has one real synagogue, Kol Ami. The picture here shows the view from the parking lot.
There are 300 families that belong to the ONLY synagogue. So different from here! We plan on joining right away. It's important to make immediate bonds with some of the Jewish families out there so we can continue to bring the kids up in a Jewish world.
Some interesting facts about our trip and about Salt Lake City:
- There are exactly ZERO Dunkin Donuts in Salt Lake City. ZERO. Amazing not to see one every few miles on the road. There are several Starbucks - I think two. Mormons don't drink caffeine.
- I put on NBC to watch Saturday Night Live on Saturday night. Not on. Turns out that the NBC affiliate in SLC won't show it. Too racy. We did, however, get to watch Steve Young give his testimony at BYU and cry about his devotion to his Mormon faith....on network TV.
- We ate at a FANTASTIC Mexican restaurant (Red Iguana) and all the employees (save the chef) were white. We ate at an excellent sushi restaurant (Mikado) and all the employees (save the chef) were white. So different!!!!
- At 10pm, as we were finishing at the sushi place, another couple noticed my Phillies shirt and asked if we were from Philly. Turns out, the guy grew up in West Chester! He met his wife at the University of Utah and moved here. They have two children the SAME age as our kids and live in a development that we were looking at!! I gave him my contact information. Small world!
- It was 95 degrees there on all three days and I DID NOT SWEAT ONE BEAD. So wonderful!! A Borenstein didn't sweat! The maximum humidity was 35%. This explains why almost every home has a fully finished basement with bathrooms and bedrooms down there. There is almost no such thing as mold and mildew there. My allergies will be put to sleep!!
When it was time to come home, we had pretty much decided on a few neighborhoods we would concentrate on when it was time to buy. I will be traveling out there a few more times and, depending on when our house sells, it will be UP TO ME to pick the actual house we will be spending the next few years in. Gulp. Pray for me. Actually, I feel confident because Sheila has a good idea of that Deb likes and I may ask Mom to fly out there to check some out because she knows Deb's tastes pretty well, too.
Our house went on the market last week. If you know someone who wants to move to Cherry Hill in a GREAT location - send them this link!!
http://homes.longandfoster.com/Buy_Home/Search/Property_Details.aspx?coId=5&mlsNum=4586789
If you sell my house I will invite you to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir FOR FREE when you come visit us in Utah!!!
That's all for now. No bats this week. If there are more bats, however, my father-in-law gave me an easy solution - throw a ball at it.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Batman
Elijah's young life has been marked by distinct sections when it comes to his passions and interests. In his first years, he was into Baby Einstein and Bear in the Big Blue House. Now his life is literally consumed by Star Wars. He's become an expert at all things Star Wars and even competes with the adults at Star Wars Trivial pursuit. He's Jedi E.
The time between his Bear in the Big Blue House, Buzz Lightyear, and Star Wars phases was spent idolizing super heroes. He loved Superman especially but collected all the figures and watched the Justice League all day long. For some reason, and I'm sure many Dad's feel this way, there is a sense of "man, if I could only fly through the air with a cape and defeat Lex Luthor then maybe he will look at ME the same way he looks at Superman." I always wondered what that feeling would be like....what if Elijah thought of me as a SUPER HERO......
It was Sunday night and Deb was sleeping next to me. Elijah and Hannah were tucked in, sound asleep and I was on my bed watching 'Entourage' on HBO. Sometime in the middle of the show (around 10:15 or so), I heard a scratching noise just for a second on my bedroom door, which we keep closed at night. It diverted my attention for just a second and then I continued watching the show (it's one of my favorite shows). I thought it was Elijah and he would either come into my room complaining he could not sleep or just go back to his bed. I didn't hear the sound again. The show ended at 10:30 and I eventually turned off the TV around 11:00. Now that there was complete silence in the room, I could more easily fall asleep.....
Insomnia.
I tossed and turned for several hours completely unable to fall asleep. No real reason. Probably this whole Utah thing and worrying that everything would be pulled off perfectly...you know - typical job related stress. I finally started to get sleepy around 1:00. It was a hot night and I was hearing various noises outside. Living in a lot of trees results in hearing a lot of noises. At one point, I heard the pitter patter of what I thought was a squirrel galloping across my roof. It's kinda spooky late at night in the summertime in my house because of all these noises.....
So I finally fall half asleep...and about 1:25 I was awaken by a VERY distinct scratching noise. Similar to the one at the bedroom door but MUCH more clear and this time coming from Debbie's side of the bed. I jump up. Deb jumps up at the same time. She heard it too. If I had been wearing underwear I would have had to change them right away. Deb handed me a mini-flashlight and I got on the floor. I was expecting to see mouse eyes staring back at me. We had mice in our old house so I really was not all that freaked out....at that point. So I scanned the floor of the room with the flashlight and saw nothing but a few stray toys, a pacifier, and a six-month old peepee diaper that I hoped, for just a second, was indeed walking itself to the garbage can. Nothing.
So, thinking we were hearing things we settled back in bed and I got cozy and ready to fall back asleep. Deb was awake at that point and cannot fall asleep without the TV on so she grabbed the remote and clicked on the TV. 'Entourage' was on HBO again and she began to watch it...
Remember when you were a young kid, you used to play that game with your hands and the shadows on the wall? You would make a dog or a wolf with your hands and it would appear on the wall as a ten-foot monster and scare the living crap out of you? Sometimes you would make a huge bird and make flapping noises with your mouth to add realism while this 200 pound killer vulture flew past you on the wall. Remember that flapping noise???????
FLAP FLAP FLAP. Deb yelps and bounces up as I turn over...JUST IN TIME to see the 200 pound shadow of a vulture flap past my TV screen. Circling the room and it's prey as it prepares to strike. "There's a bird in the room!!," Deb yelped as she covered herself with the blanket. I jumped out of the bed and got downstairs so fast I still have no idea how I got there. Next thing I knew I was standing in the living room with every single light in the house on. Oh yeah, somehow I had my underwear on at this point as well.
Deb was smart. She ran down the hall and closed the kid's bedroom doors. Elijah's ceiling fan was on full speed and how gross would THAT have been? Deb ran downstairs and Jonathan Livingston Seagull followed close behind. We both started doing laps around the inside of the house for no reason....screaming. I yelled for Deb to get me a broom and propped the front door wide open so more birds could come in and join us. I figured I would swat this thing out the door and be the hero. Just then I heard Deb half-crying from the kitchen. She was sitting on the floor near the family room steps grabbing her ankle and yelling that she twisted it. Tears were coming from her eyes. Screams were coming from my mouth as I ran past her full speed with my straw broom screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Then it hit me...
What bird would be wide awake at 1 in the morning?
Just like that my whole demeanor changed. I went from shooing a stray blackbird from my house to trying to stab a blood-sucking vampire bat through the heart. I thought of grabbing a knife. Still doing laps around my downstairs with the straw broom the thoughts of my neighbors waking up and taking notice of what was going on hit me. Door wide open, 1:45 in the morning, underwear clad husband screaming "get the fuck out of my house" while swinging a straw broom while his crying, seven-month pregnant wife lay lame on the ground clutching her ankle and unable to move.......I was going to jail because a fruit bat lost it's way and ended up in my bedroom.
Finally, Deb got up and I ordered her upstairs and into the bedroom. By the time she limped upstairs, both kids were up. They all went into my bedroom and closed the door. Elijah wanted to know why Daddy was screaming and yelling bad words. Deb told him there was a big moth flying around and Daddy was trying to neutralize it. That's a great visual I want my son to keep with him for life. Then again, if Elijah ever knew there was a bat in the house, he would need therapy to ever have a chance of sleeping again.
So the bat and I ended up in my living room. It was shooting from one end of the room to the other....just six feet off the ground and whizzing past my head. At every pass, I would swat at the thing with a broom that was six times it's size.....and miss. I felt like Bugs Bunny in that Who's on First cartoon when he swings and misses at every pitch 4 times. I sounded more like Monica Seles on every swing, grunting so families in Utah could hear a preview of the new neighbors they would be getting soon.
Finally, on a wild backswing, I made contact. The rodent hit my broom, then the wall and then..thud...on the ground. I was sweating so much I was shining up the room. I closed the door and got my breathing down to a normal level. I decided to get a plastic bag, sweep the bat into it and dispose of it. I got the bag and approached the carcass...
Did you ever walk up to a sleeping cat and scream, scaring the shit out of it? What happens? Exactly - it jumps on all fours about 3 feet in the air and lands 10 feet backwards with it's fangs drawn and tail in the air.
About two steps from Lucifer it started flapping it's wing and screaming. I am not exactly sure how I ended up in the garage but that's where I woke up.
So I come back into the living room and the bat is still there on the ground....injured and certainly not able to move. I decided there was not an exterminator that would come out at 2:20 in the morning. So, I did what every homeowner would do to protect his family....I covered the bat under a Calphalon Soup Pot. Ever use a Calphalon Soup Pot? It weighs about 30 pounds. Of course, an injured fruit bat would be able to lift it easily so I weighted it down with two more soup pots and a 10 pound fire extinguisher. It looked like a 5 foot metal tee-pee.
I went upstairs and into my bedroom. My family was staring at me. Mouths agape. Complete silence. "WELL???" Deb asked. "We are OK....for tonight." Nothing like making your family feel safe, right?
The next morning, the exterminator came and took care of the bat.
I was putting Elijah to bed the next night. I was laying next to him and he said,
"Dad, you were soooo brave yesterday catching that moth!!"
"Yep, Elijah, it was very brave. I am here to protect my family, son. I will make sure there is never any evil here. EVIL NEVER WINS! Mommy is cleaning the sheets now and I'll be able to go back to my room soon as well."
"Dad - you were like a SUPER HERO!"
"Call me.........BATMAN."
Elijah's young life has been marked by distinct sections when it comes to his passions and interests. In his first years, he was into Baby Einstein and Bear in the Big Blue House. Now his life is literally consumed by Star Wars. He's become an expert at all things Star Wars and even competes with the adults at Star Wars Trivial pursuit. He's Jedi E.
The time between his Bear in the Big Blue House, Buzz Lightyear, and Star Wars phases was spent idolizing super heroes. He loved Superman especially but collected all the figures and watched the Justice League all day long. For some reason, and I'm sure many Dad's feel this way, there is a sense of "man, if I could only fly through the air with a cape and defeat Lex Luthor then maybe he will look at ME the same way he looks at Superman." I always wondered what that feeling would be like....what if Elijah thought of me as a SUPER HERO......
It was Sunday night and Deb was sleeping next to me. Elijah and Hannah were tucked in, sound asleep and I was on my bed watching 'Entourage' on HBO. Sometime in the middle of the show (around 10:15 or so), I heard a scratching noise just for a second on my bedroom door, which we keep closed at night. It diverted my attention for just a second and then I continued watching the show (it's one of my favorite shows). I thought it was Elijah and he would either come into my room complaining he could not sleep or just go back to his bed. I didn't hear the sound again. The show ended at 10:30 and I eventually turned off the TV around 11:00. Now that there was complete silence in the room, I could more easily fall asleep.....
Insomnia.
I tossed and turned for several hours completely unable to fall asleep. No real reason. Probably this whole Utah thing and worrying that everything would be pulled off perfectly...you know - typical job related stress. I finally started to get sleepy around 1:00. It was a hot night and I was hearing various noises outside. Living in a lot of trees results in hearing a lot of noises. At one point, I heard the pitter patter of what I thought was a squirrel galloping across my roof. It's kinda spooky late at night in the summertime in my house because of all these noises.....
So I finally fall half asleep...and about 1:25 I was awaken by a VERY distinct scratching noise. Similar to the one at the bedroom door but MUCH more clear and this time coming from Debbie's side of the bed. I jump up. Deb jumps up at the same time. She heard it too. If I had been wearing underwear I would have had to change them right away. Deb handed me a mini-flashlight and I got on the floor. I was expecting to see mouse eyes staring back at me. We had mice in our old house so I really was not all that freaked out....at that point. So I scanned the floor of the room with the flashlight and saw nothing but a few stray toys, a pacifier, and a six-month old peepee diaper that I hoped, for just a second, was indeed walking itself to the garbage can. Nothing.
So, thinking we were hearing things we settled back in bed and I got cozy and ready to fall back asleep. Deb was awake at that point and cannot fall asleep without the TV on so she grabbed the remote and clicked on the TV. 'Entourage' was on HBO again and she began to watch it...
Remember when you were a young kid, you used to play that game with your hands and the shadows on the wall? You would make a dog or a wolf with your hands and it would appear on the wall as a ten-foot monster and scare the living crap out of you? Sometimes you would make a huge bird and make flapping noises with your mouth to add realism while this 200 pound killer vulture flew past you on the wall. Remember that flapping noise???????
FLAP FLAP FLAP. Deb yelps and bounces up as I turn over...JUST IN TIME to see the 200 pound shadow of a vulture flap past my TV screen. Circling the room and it's prey as it prepares to strike. "There's a bird in the room!!," Deb yelped as she covered herself with the blanket. I jumped out of the bed and got downstairs so fast I still have no idea how I got there. Next thing I knew I was standing in the living room with every single light in the house on. Oh yeah, somehow I had my underwear on at this point as well.
Deb was smart. She ran down the hall and closed the kid's bedroom doors. Elijah's ceiling fan was on full speed and how gross would THAT have been? Deb ran downstairs and Jonathan Livingston Seagull followed close behind. We both started doing laps around the inside of the house for no reason....screaming. I yelled for Deb to get me a broom and propped the front door wide open so more birds could come in and join us. I figured I would swat this thing out the door and be the hero. Just then I heard Deb half-crying from the kitchen. She was sitting on the floor near the family room steps grabbing her ankle and yelling that she twisted it. Tears were coming from her eyes. Screams were coming from my mouth as I ran past her full speed with my straw broom screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Then it hit me...
What bird would be wide awake at 1 in the morning?
Just like that my whole demeanor changed. I went from shooing a stray blackbird from my house to trying to stab a blood-sucking vampire bat through the heart. I thought of grabbing a knife. Still doing laps around my downstairs with the straw broom the thoughts of my neighbors waking up and taking notice of what was going on hit me. Door wide open, 1:45 in the morning, underwear clad husband screaming "get the fuck out of my house" while swinging a straw broom while his crying, seven-month pregnant wife lay lame on the ground clutching her ankle and unable to move.......I was going to jail because a fruit bat lost it's way and ended up in my bedroom.
Finally, Deb got up and I ordered her upstairs and into the bedroom. By the time she limped upstairs, both kids were up. They all went into my bedroom and closed the door. Elijah wanted to know why Daddy was screaming and yelling bad words. Deb told him there was a big moth flying around and Daddy was trying to neutralize it. That's a great visual I want my son to keep with him for life. Then again, if Elijah ever knew there was a bat in the house, he would need therapy to ever have a chance of sleeping again.
So the bat and I ended up in my living room. It was shooting from one end of the room to the other....just six feet off the ground and whizzing past my head. At every pass, I would swat at the thing with a broom that was six times it's size.....and miss. I felt like Bugs Bunny in that Who's on First cartoon when he swings and misses at every pitch 4 times. I sounded more like Monica Seles on every swing, grunting so families in Utah could hear a preview of the new neighbors they would be getting soon.
Finally, on a wild backswing, I made contact. The rodent hit my broom, then the wall and then..thud...on the ground. I was sweating so much I was shining up the room. I closed the door and got my breathing down to a normal level. I decided to get a plastic bag, sweep the bat into it and dispose of it. I got the bag and approached the carcass...
Did you ever walk up to a sleeping cat and scream, scaring the shit out of it? What happens? Exactly - it jumps on all fours about 3 feet in the air and lands 10 feet backwards with it's fangs drawn and tail in the air.
About two steps from Lucifer it started flapping it's wing and screaming. I am not exactly sure how I ended up in the garage but that's where I woke up.
So I come back into the living room and the bat is still there on the ground....injured and certainly not able to move. I decided there was not an exterminator that would come out at 2:20 in the morning. So, I did what every homeowner would do to protect his family....I covered the bat under a Calphalon Soup Pot. Ever use a Calphalon Soup Pot? It weighs about 30 pounds. Of course, an injured fruit bat would be able to lift it easily so I weighted it down with two more soup pots and a 10 pound fire extinguisher. It looked like a 5 foot metal tee-pee.
I went upstairs and into my bedroom. My family was staring at me. Mouths agape. Complete silence. "WELL???" Deb asked. "We are OK....for tonight." Nothing like making your family feel safe, right?
The next morning, the exterminator came and took care of the bat.
I was putting Elijah to bed the next night. I was laying next to him and he said,
"Dad, you were soooo brave yesterday catching that moth!!"
"Yep, Elijah, it was very brave. I am here to protect my family, son. I will make sure there is never any evil here. EVIL NEVER WINS! Mommy is cleaning the sheets now and I'll be able to go back to my room soon as well."
"Dad - you were like a SUPER HERO!"
"Call me.........BATMAN."
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